Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

fargles these days," Tanner muttered to himself as he fumbled with his keys. With a clang they hit the ground. He grumbled as he bent over to pick them up. When he stood up straight, his brown eyes flickered upwards to peer at the window. Rain poured down onto him and he barely made out a figure in the window. At first, he thought the person was in his car but at a second glance, he realised that they were behind him. Damn old man, he thought to himself, thinking it was the pub patron who had bothered him inside. Tanner brushed the brown hair our of his eyes and glared at the figure. "Can't leave me alone, eh, old man?" he called out. The figure walked closer until he saw a girl standing drenched in the rain. By what she wore, he could tell she wasn't from around there. Atlanta was one of the worst cities. Ever since the demon take over, it was never the same. Or so Tanner had heard. He'd only been around when demons roamed the streets. The girls dress was a blue silk that matched her eyes, and it clung to her wet body. His eyes drew her figure in, appreciatively taking in every curve. There was a sadness that lurked behind her peircing eyes. Her feet were bare; all she wore was the dress. And when he thought about it, it looked rather like a nightgown. "What are ya doin' out so late, girlie?" "I..." she hesitated, "Are you Logan Tanner?" He frowned and tilted his head, "Who wants to know?" "Me." A smirk crossed his face, "An what's 'me's' name?" Her mouth twitched and she took another step forward. There was some sort of determination on her face. From what Tanner didn't know. "My name is Bethanie," she paused, as if hesitating to go on, "Bethanie Hawkkin." She didn't need to state her last name; Tanner already knew who she was. There was one other person with the last name Hunter that tanner knew, and that was Cam. Especially when she spoke with such formality. No-one who lived life as it was spoke like that. Emotion boiled up within Tanner. "I'm Cameron Haw-" "I know who ya are!" he snapped, "Now, what do ya think ya doin' around here, girlie? Ya daddy ain't gonna be very happy with ya. Best if ya go back," The girl frowned. She obviously hadn't expected such harshness from him, not that it mattered - she'd gotten it anyway. "I don't care if my father is worried - which, by the way, he isn't-" Tanner raised a hand to cut her off short again. He rubbed his face and let out a loud sigh to show his frustration, "Look here; Cam loved ya, right? But that ain't mean anythin' to folks 'round here. They see ya as another girl lookin' for a good night. Besides, them demons gonna eat ya up lookin' all bare like ya are!" he threw his arms in the air in exasperation. She snorted, "Woah! I came here looking for my brother's best friend. I didn't expect a crazy guy in his place-" "Wait! Hold up. Rewind, hun," Tanner inclined his head closer, studying the expression on the girl, "Crazy? What the fu-" Beth's face froze, her blue eyes watched something above Tanner's head. Before he could react and giant screech came from behind him. They both fell to the floor covering their ears. In a squat position, her turned around and saw a figure on the roof of his car. It was one of the most obvious types of demons; with froth foaming at it's mouth and ugly appearance. This certain one had no teeth so it bared it's gummy mouth at Tanner and snarled. There was a green tinge to it and it dripped with a sticky liquid that trickled over the window of his car. Simple to say that it was a basic of basics demon. A Penth demon. Slowly, Tanner reached into the side of his boots. The demon hissed at him, causing it's slime to spray at him. It hobbled back and forth, making dints in the roof of the car. Tanner cursed at the demon as it launched itself at him. It hit him like a tonne of bricks, but after a moment it jumped off of him. He didn't have much time to react because a scream peirced his ears. Turning around, the small demon stood in front of Beth. Fear radiated off of the terrifyed adolescent and she scrambled backwards, towards the pub. Another curse escaped Tanner's mouth as he dived at the Penth demon. It turned at the last minute, it's black and yellow eyes staring into his soul as it were up for grabs. With a grunt, Tanner pulled it away from Beth and threw it back. As if it never got hurt, the Penth jumped back up again and charged at him with a high-pitched war cry. Later, Tanner would laugh at the ridicule of the minor demon. A flick of the wrist, he let the dagger sail straight into the demon. Towering over it, Tanner raised his second dagger. The Holy Water laced dagger. The one that would kill the demon quickly. "Stop!" it screeched, "Boon! Boon!" Tanner snorted, "I have everthin' I ever wanted, ya got nothin' ta offer me." After a moment of silence, the demon's upper lip peeled back revealing several rows of pearly sharp teeth. Where the hell did them come from? he asked himself. Penth demons never had teeth. It must have been a type of shapeshifter demon posing as a Penth. A cackle erupted from it's mouth. "Hawk's blood! Hawk's blood! We all want Hawk's blood! Hawk's blood!" it sung. At Tanner's befuddled expression it snickered at him, "Silly, silly, Mr Tanner! You want Hawk's blood. I want Hawk's blood. He wants Hawk's blood. She wants Hawl's blood!" the demon threw his hands in the air laughing at something unknown. It's plain white eyes widened and looked inquiring at Tanner, "Who will get Hawk's blood?" After a moment's hesitation, Tanner forced the Holy dagger down into the shapeshifter's chest. With a grunt, he turned around, pushing the brown locks out of his face. Once he saw the girl sprawled across the gravelled parking lot floor, he let out a groan. "Damn, girl," he muttered while walking over to her, "Ya couldn't have been ugly could ya?"

Hey Erica! Black dropping by for a really quick comment.

Firs off I really enjoyed this piece! Your originality is really nice (earth invaded by demons is a whole new thing to me), and that means a lot to me. Your idea seems to have a lot of prospectivity and your characters are extremely cool sounding.

The only problems I could find in one quick glance-over where your grammar and your formatting. But there are probably more. The formatting problem is simply that you have a story here , but it's all one paragraph. I'll assume that's formatting and not your style . . . either way, you need to break the dialogue away from your telling and explaining (or action) and then divide appropriately.

I don't have enough time for a proper review right now so I'd like to just comment on your grammar and spelling really quickly and try to give you a solution to them. From what I see you're probably just fairly young (as a writer) an not very familiar with them. What you need is practice. You need to try to sit down and decide on what you want and don't want in a chapter, plan a bit, and write it. So, practice writing You'll get over it with time! Maybe a bit of reading and review ing too would help!

And so, that's it for now! Really nice work on the originality! I really love it! Remember what I advised you (a quick add on I just realized, it's really hard to understand who the girl is . . . her name, anything. You should revise that area!). And remember: KEEP WRITING – Writers advance through practice! Don't expect to get better without it! Classes, books, and work can only get you so far. In the end it's the practice that makes you a winner!


~Black~

Hi there!

This is a very interesting chapter. I like fantasy stuff so I was immediately drawn in. I hadn't expected the demons though, so kudos to you, taking me by surprise. Your dialect here is great. I like how you kept the dialogue true to an Atlanta town. I read all the dialogue with the accent. Good job there. And I like the relationship between Tanner and Bethanie. I know we just met them, but I can definitely feel some tension between them. I can't wait to find out more about their relationship.

A few things I want to point out:
1) This is one large paragraph. This makes it harder to read. I was able to read through it fine, but I still had to concentrate to keep track of where I was. Some places to break into another paragraph could be when a new person speaks, when a new thought occurs, when there's a change of subject. And once you split this up, it'll be easier to read.
2) There isn't much description in here. I want to know what the demons look like, what Tanner looks like. Well, maybe not Tanner because this is in first person. You did do a good job describing Bethanie though.
3) When writing the thoughts of a character, you should put them in italics. That makes it easier for a reader to distinguish between their thoughts and the rest of the story.

Overall this is a good start. You did a good job moving the story along and keeping the end wide open to continue it. I can't wait to read more! Post on my wall when you add another chapter and I'll be over to review it.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**