A/N: This is my second poem. I felt like writing some poetry, so I decided to come up with something romantic. And I hardly write poems, so I'd love your advice and thoughts on this...which, I think, is quite a pathetic attempt in romantic poetry.
A dash means a new stanza...
----------
Whenever I look up to glance at him,
I suck in my breath, my heart leaps to my mouth,
I get butterflies in my stomach,
and a blush tints my cheeks red.
-
I admire his modest smile,
the strong line of his jaw, and the shape of his chin.
The voice God has gifted him is smooth like velvet,
it has a touch of innocence,
a rather childish tone to his professional vocabulary,
that makes his words so enchanting to my ears.
-
In his mouth is a perfect set of teeth,
and this, it is no exaggeration!
Not a speck on their surface, not an indenture in their edges.
One gets lost in their white spectrum,
and in his charming laugh which so often follows their revelation.
-
At first glance, he is not the finest specimen of man,
but to me, his features are elegant.
A pair of spectacles takes away the true beauty of his round eyes,
and with the glasses on, it directs one’s attention from his fine-sculptured nose.
One often misses how he gracefully moves his hands,
or how he walks with character and automatic caution.
-
Mystery in personality is what interests me most of him,
he is sometimes an adult, but still a boy in some ways.
Not many are the chances I get to talk to him,
not much is the personal information he shares.
He is secretive, but friendly,
he is confident, yet confused.
His true character, I have no clue,
but isn’t that what makes him so charming?
-
It is wrong to feel the way I do for him,
this fact, nobody knows better than I do.
We are bound by age and law,
our relationship is never meant to go beyond teacher and student.
It leaves me feeling hopeless and miserable at times,
but what is there to do about it?
-
He will never notice me, and for that I do not blame him,
for I know that I fade into the background when
the radiance and brilliance of my beautiful friends surround me
and distract him.
One day this feeling will go away,
one day I will look back and laugh at how stupid I was,
but for now, I will just smile,
and admire him from a distance.
-
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Nice poem!
Here's a few tips:
"Whenever I look up to glance at him,
I suck in my breath, my heart leaps to my mouth,
I get butterflies in my stomach,
and a blush tints my cheeks { red } ."
I would change " red " to " pink " . Red is most commonly used to describe embarrassment or anger. Pink, however, is the common crush-type color. If a girl likes a boy or a boy likes a girl, or any other crush, "pink" is more common. Just a suggestion
I love the description of how his glasses disguise his even truer beauty.
-- sbf1102
Wow, This is amazing. Truley, I felt emmersed (If that is the correct spelling..) into this poem and it is very true as it shows us the thoughts of someone in love. I am a man, just pointing that out, and I have these thoughts when I see the girl I have a huge crush one.
I especially like the final four lines as they are the enlightening and heartbreaking of the entire poem. It's the mind of a girl but I have the same thoughts which is quite embarrassing, the thoughts about how stupid I was with previous crushes, on how I admire her from a distance and how one day I will laugh about it one day.
I say you should keep writing, don't ever give up on what you enjoy because this makes people think, it relates to people and emmerses them which is very important. Good Job.
Your review made me elated. Really, it did-- especially since I was so insecure about it at first. I'm happy to know that although you are of different gender you can still relate to the narrator.
Thank you!
Hello! I'm here for a review as requested.
As you'd already know by now, I am not a professional poet. However, I did spot some mistakes that were easy to see.
This poem was too narrative, in fact it seems like you've just converted an indirect story into a poem. A poem is meant to be simple, and not over-exaggerated. I felt like you've over-described most parts in this work of yours, because you seem to expertise in fiction (?) Just keep your poems short and simple; I felt like I was reading a book.
"... for I know that I fade into the background when the radiance and brilliance of my beautiful friends surround me ..."
This part was a little over-the-top. There wasn't any purpose for the words 'radiance' and 'brilliance'. To describe a person (especially in this case), you could talk about their personality, their influence towards this man. However, remember to keep it short and simple.
Here I'll be going back to what I mentioned earlier: over-describing. Your descriptions are remarkable, for that I do not blame you. However, it is not suitable for this type of genre.
"One gets lost in their white spectrum.."
Here is the part that I think you're struggling with. I wouldn't emphasize so much on the colour of the teeth or how bright they shine etc. I'd focus on how it completes his look, or how it just catches everyone's eye. Those words you put together were quite weird for that stanza, some might assume you would be going into a more scientific depth as you described "white spectrum".
Okay, I wouldn't want to say more because I can't really comment on anything else. Do remember to keep it clean and simple. Poems are hard to tackle, but once you get the hang of it, you'll be a pro in no time! I look forward to seeing more.
-Lisa
Thanks!
I agree, I guess I have made it a bit too story-ish. xD
I'll take all of your advice into mind, and thanks again for a kind review!