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Other Side of The Ocean -Chapter 1

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A/N: I haven't been on YWS for a while...and suddenly I decided to post this up here. Personally, I think the imagery is a bit off. I haven't received constructive criticism in ages.

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‘I can’t shoot you. I’m supposed to, but I can’t. I couldn’t bring my damned self to pull the trigger.’

The voice was deep, soft and full of regret…

‘I’m sorry….you did nothing wrong. None of you have. You women don’t deserve to die.’

Somebody gripped her hair. It was painful, she remembered, releasing the muffled scream against the bound in her mouth. She struggled, but her wrists were bound. She wanted to see, but her eyes were covered. She could hardly breathe, her whole body ached and the tears soaked into the fabric around her watery eyes.

Then something hard slammed against the side of her head, and her mind fell into a black abyss…

.

Sindell awoke with a jerk. Her eyes flew open and she took in a quick gasp of air, before coughing out in a terrible fit. The bare concrete was cold against her face and palms, the lack of oxygen suffocated her, and the throbbing pain in her head further complicated her movement.

Her breaths became steady after a few minutes, but her heart pounded against her ribs as she squinted in the darkness. It was as black as pitch and as silent as night, in which all she heard was her own breathing. For the next few minutes she remained in position, face-down on the ground, which was long enough for her to realize the painful sensations throughout her body; the sharp pang in her stomach, the soreness of her elbows and knees, the cramping pain in her ankles.

It took a while for her to register the presence of light about three metres away from her, the gleam merely a thin, white strip just on the same level as the ground. Courage built up within as she sucked in her breath and struggled to get to her feet. With the pains in her joints, doing this was no easy feat, for she collapsed a few times and restarted before finally getting to a sitting position.

At this point Sindell fumbled in the darkness. When her hand unexpectedly made contact with something cold and solid, she gasped and pulled away before the pain in her stomach bit again horribly. Suppressing a groan, she inhaled deeply, slowly reaching out again. She discovered it was wall, and with regained confidence, used it as support as she rose to her feet.

She leaned against it heavily, feeling weak in the knees, and used the wall as a guide. Sticking to it, she moved towards the light, wincing at sudden pangs of pain and taking sharp gasps for air frequently. It took a few steps to realize she was barefoot and barely clothed—and the chilling sensation bit at her feet and palms, forcing her to rub her arms to keep warm.

Suddenly, her path was obstructed by a large object, and having not known it was there, Sindell tripped and fell painfully on her left.

A whimper escaped her lips and she grasped her left elbow, laying still as though it would make the pain go away. It did, however, and she directed her attention to the object that caused the fall—her legs were still over the unknown entity, leading to the discovery the thing radiated warmth and was breathing.

Upon realizing it was alive, she widened her eyes and struggled to get away, pulling her legs away from it, staring with horrified bewilderment at the blinding dark.

She listened, with alarm, as the thing shifted, moved and released a low, suppressed sound similar to a deep hum. However, Sindell flinched and held her breath when the next sound that followed was a sharp gasp and a low moan.

Terrified, she hurried to her feet, ignoring the awful pain which struck almost every part of her body. Arriving at the light, tumbling, she groped around and discovered something smooth sticking from the wall, and, wrapping her hand around it, learned it was a door knob. Vigorously she twisted it, but the door did not comply and failed to open.

Her other hand wandered around the wall nearby and met with what felt like switches. A trembling finger flicked one and immediately the room was flooded with light, blinding Sindell with the sudden brightness, forcing her to look away.

Lifting her eyelids, she stared wide-eyed at the concrete floor, at her own feet, and at the air blowing in from the space between the door and the ground. Finally, her vision adjusted to the brightness, and she snapped her head back up, looking around to register the environment she was in.

It was what looked like a small warehouse. In general, the walls were tall and strongly built, the floor was cold and bare, the room was windowless, empty and mundane; Sindell shuddered at the unfamiliar atmosphere.

Then she realized she wasn’t the only soul there, for three other women laid about the floor, barely dressed and unconscious. There were some red marks at one corner of the rectangular space; probably from where she woke up. Her hand subconsciously wandered to the side of her head, where her head throbbed so much, and she winced at slight contact. Looking down, dark red blood had appeared on her fingers.

Further inspection revealed bruises all over her body, with an exception of her face, which did not hurt when she touched it. Leaning against the door, Sindell looked down at the closest woman to her; the one which caused her fall.

She was in a fetal position. Bluish bruises were strewn about her long legs, cuts with dried blood covered her long, slim arms, her wrists and ankles had blatant rope marks from being bound. Her long, wavy reddish hair covered her face, and she was of dark complexion.

Sindell’s lips trembled as she struggled to speak. Her voice came out cracked. “M-Malvina…?”

The woman on the floor shifted and groaned. When she rolled over, thre curly locks fell back from her face, revealing her features.

“Malvina!” Sindell gasped, breath hitching. The person before her was one of her dearest friends, and to find her in such ill condition astonished her.

Malvina Gasher coughed and wheezed, before turning her head in the other woman’s direction. An expression of tired perplexity crossed her face, and she whimpered, “Sindell?”

As Malvina proceeded to groan and sit up, Sindell looked to the other two women among them.

The next one near to her was lying on her back, facing up. Immediately, and much to her horror, she learned it was Myste Delane, a woman whose friendship she treasured. Her tan body was exposed due to the lack of clothes—revealing multiple cuts, especially around her legs. The medium-length, dark locks which usually framed her face were now a mess, as though somebody had tugged and pulled on her scalp repeatedly.

The farthest woman was Lightana Zhao. The Chinese beauty lied on her right in a corner, facing the three. Her graceful features were settled in a gentle expression, as though she was asleep, but her fair skin was scattered with scars and bruises. Her long, brown hair was in the same condition as Myste’s, ruffled and messed. Strangely, her wounds were rather light compared to Sindell’s, but the rope marks around her wrists and ankles were similar to Malvina’s.

“Where are we?” Malvina asked, her voice thick with pain. She had succesfully gotten into a sitting position, and after sweeping her gaze over the room, looked at Sindell in fear. “It’s Myste and Light…oh my goodness, Sindell…what happened?”

“I don’t know…” Sindell croaked as she shook her head, voice cracked and eyes close to tears. It was violent, heartless, horrifying. The soft, regretful voice from memory flashed back at her.

She turned around, twisted the knob, and the door swung outwards unexpectedly. A strong gust of wind howled against her face and forced its way into the room, biting at her bare skin and sending a shudder down her spine.

A thick forest presented itself before her, the countless trees bare and very dark, their branches collected the endless falling snowflakes that rained down from the clouds, which hung low in the heavens above. The forest floors were completely white, covered with thick layers of snow and ice, not hinting a single sign of flora or greenery. Two snowy and vast mountains settled far in the horizon, blurry from where Sindell stood, majestic in all their glory as the golden sky gleamed behind them.

There was no trace of civilization—no sign, no technology, not even a trail through the woods.

Sindell knew not where she and her friends were, and the simple thought of being lost in nowhere, without having a clue as to what was going on, suddenly made her dizzy.

After closing the door, she leaned against it and slid down. Malvina watched with sympathy and confusion as Sindell buried her face in her hands and broke down, her sobs and whimpers echoing about the empty warehouse.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hey, I'm Erika! I thought I would write a review since I'm new here and I'm trying to review a lot of stuff! I used to be a pretty prominent reviewer on Figment so hopefully I'm not too rusty.

First I'm going to do some grammar stuff:

?Somebody gripped her hair. It was painful. She remembered releasing a muffled scream against the bound in her mouth, but she was blind."

This is awkward, I think you might mean:

Somebody gripped her hair. It was painful[, s]he remembered[,] releasing a muffled scream against the bound in her mouth, but she was blind.

Still, the “but she was blind” seems a little stiff and unrelated. Maybe put her thoughts “somebody gripped her hair, it was painful” in italics? Is that what she's remembering or is she remembering something else?

"Her eyes were covered[;] she couldn’t see him or where she was."  These are two separate sentences that need to be divided somehow.

She could hardly breath[e]. Breath is a noun, breathe is the verb. :)

"...which was long enough for her to realize the painful sensations throughout her body[,] the sharp pang in her stomach[,] the soreness of her elbows and knees[, and] the cramping pain in her ankles." And in this case, you don't need the semicolons. Since you're listing things, you would use commas.

I'm going to stop correcting semi-colon/comma placement because there's quite a bit of it that needs to be corrected and if you go through and figure out where it's actually needed you'll be able to do it fine.

I personally think describing eyes as “orbs” is really awkward, but that might just be me.

I don't think “Chow” is really a Chinese surname. Try Zhao.

Okay, now some general comments:

I'm a little confused, especially by the beginning before she "awoke with a jolt." I'm not really sure what's going on there. By the end of the chapter I'm more aware of what's happening, like when she gets into the warehouse, but as for the rest I'm very confused about where she is and what she's doing. I don't need you to spell it out for me, but I think that with all the description you include you lack a bigger picture. I think maybe you need to use the active voice more instead of the passive? Could be that.

On the other hand, your descriptions really are well-written. I think you might just need a little more substance. I personally suck at descriptions and I think yours are really great! Also, the characters at the end were introduced very well. I think you have a really good grasp on your voice and overall this is written very nicely.

Hope I was at least a little bit helpful!

A little bit helpful? xD You have no idea how useful your review was. I don't know how to it up better, but-- Thank You!

User avatar
methrirr123
Review

Hello. I am Methrirr. I read this chapter, and will now review it, if you don't mind.

I had very few problems with this story in the beginning. As far as a story goes, it doesn't do much, but when I bear in mind that it is a first chapter, I can see that it is actually pretty well done. Some nitpicks that I have:

First, I do not like the way you used the word "orbs" to replace the eyes of the character. It was questionable the first time, and the second time I read it made me feel a certain wrongness. Just say eyes. That's what they are, and the word "eye" is much prettier than the word "orb" anyway. I would accept it if you used the word orb to describe the eye in a simile or metaphor. her eyes were dark brown orbs, whose depth descended into her darkest thoughts. as opposed to the depth of her dark brown orbs descended into her darkest thoughts. Can you see where I'm getting at?

Furthermore, you use some questionable words in your piece.

She turned around, twisted the knob, and the door swung outwards unexpectedly. A strong gush of wind howled against her face and forced its way into the room, biting at her bare skin and sending a shudder down her spine.


this word, although acceptable, would be better replaced with gust. I realize that everyone expects to hear the word 'gust' when referring to wind, which takes away from its appeal as a writer, but still. Gush seems to fluid to me, and makes me think of a broken water hose.

Also, there's this bit:

the leaves rustled in harmony with the strong wind which repeatedly blew.


I think that "repeatedly blew" could be replaced with "blew repeatedly". Just my thoughts.

Other than that, I don't know anything about your characters, other than what they look like, and thus far it's kind of sounding like the plot to an anime almost. Your language works contrary to that, however, which makes me think, as I hoped, that you didn't have anime in mind when writing this. Speaking of your language, other than the parts I noted above, I love it. You're writing voice is excellent, and you seem to know what you're doing grammatically.

This works very well as a chapter one. Excellent job! Keep writing!

Methrirr123

Anime? O_o That was definitely not my intention! I'm glad it didn't give you that impression.
By the way, I appreciate your review. Really, I needed this kind of advice, it's been a while since I've received one. Especially with the orbs part, that advice is most definitely forever remembered. I've had a lot of problems on how and when to use that word.
Anyway, thanks again :)

I do what I can :) Keep it up! This site is great for writers!



When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are.
— Mikhail Baryshnikov