Hiya, I have somehow found myself doing Team Tortoise this month so here goes day 6!
Nit-picks:
Creating a wall around the half-octagonal were pillared speakers
The half-octagonal what?
The tight clothes, drinks, and black mini-skirts composed the throng of people on the dance floor
This doesn't really make sense. It seems like you were trying to go for synechdoche but that doesn't work if you mention the people. It would make sense if the throng was made up by the objects, because you would just be drawing attention to those objects. But saying that the people themselves were made up of those objects, that sounds like it's trying to be more literal and just doesn't work.
(whom snuck in or carried a fake ID).
It's just who because the teens are the subject rather than the object of the sentence.
most men in the club were not even going to be able to go to the bathroom
...why?
My eyes carving an outline of the mask of the second shortest nymph
I just don't understand what this says here.
I crossed the sweaty pit of dance fanatics and I stumbled on a shoe or a leg
This would flow better if you took out the second "I".
Her friends were looking around at the unkempt actions of their group member and immediately dissolved into a disheveled entanglement of arms and legs groping for a dance partner.
Again, why? Why not just continue on as before?
They were about to start complaining that there are no good men around, yet they seem content in giving their sin-fueled bodies away for less than a three-second stumble for eye candy, like myself.
I don't know if this is the sort of attitude you are trying to be satirical about, but just know that if this character continues to talk about women in this way I am really, really not going to like him. There's nothing inconsistent about wanting a relationship with a good person and having casual sex in the meantime, and there's nothing shameful about women who have lots of casual sex.
Overall:
So, I'm a little unsure what I'm meant to be thinking by the end of this. A guy goes to a club, is critical of people who go to clubs, objectifies some women, seems to pull (? maybe doesn't go home with her or they don't spend the whole night together?), then wakes up with a hangover that he tries to get rid of. What is your story about? This seems extremely ordinary. In order to be hooked, I would have to want to read more about your character, but I don't really know why I would be hooked on your character either. He seems like a very average guy, going through the motions of an ordinary weekend night. Maybe more of a cliffhanger would help, or tell me how he knows the woman he is looking at out the window so that I can infer something about a story that could happen between the two of them. Otherwise I don't know what I'd be continuing reading for.
What you did do was make a very vivid image. I could imagine all the situations very well - the friends getting annoyed because one of them's going off with a guy (it took me a bit to get that, but I think I recognise the interaction). The women trying to invite men in to be customers? I'm actually not certain that's what that was. This at some points seems to be a strip club/with prostitutes, but what sort of girls' night goes to a strip club. Actually that could do with some clarification.
Anyway, main point is that I need more hints about what I'm meant to be caring out within this pretty everyday scene.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
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