The bell rings as she steps outside of the cafe, still drenched in her usual smell of coffee and teas. She releases a big sigh before crossing the road, carelessly. Her eyes and will fighting to stay awake after working for so long. She stands in front of the lake as she watches the swans carry their cygnets on their back.
“ugghh nooo”, she groans annoyingly, seeing the kids feed the swans. “I forgot again-“, as she shuffles the pockets of her trousers.
“yeah- nothing”
She settles down on the bench beside the lake, ties her hair up and puts in a pair of earplugs to relax for a bit. Letting her head hang off the backrest. She closes her eyes as the sun rays hit her face, eyebrows still furrowed. When suddenly-
“Hey-y, excuse me?”
Someone softly taps her shoulder. She pulls her head up, pulling out her earplugs,
“Yes?”
He hesitated before speaking.
“Hyuna?” his voice cracks slightly, barely noticeable. Her eyes roam around, trying to understand what’s happening. ‘Hyuna? what is this guy on about?’
She could see a lump forming in his throat, “Oh- no. Have we met before?”
He doesn’t say anything. Stares at her for some moment before his eyes start to well up. In a panic, she looks around and ends up pulling him to settle down beside her. His tears start to flow, “I’m sorry Hyuna. I’m so sorry” he covers his face with his hand, ears turning red. In confusion, she shifts closer to him, hand hovering over, hesitant to soothe him. She tightens her lips, not knowing what to say- she looks at her watch, her break was almost over.
“I didn’t mean to leave, Hyu-” he cuts off his own words as he tugs her sleeve slightly. The breeze sieving in his scent to her, she looks into his eyes; which are saying something she couldn’t understand.
A humming voice buzzes in her ears, soothing and sweet like honey- a hallucination?
She pulls herself out of trance and tries to handle the situation.
“It’s alright” she takes his hand and pats it gently.
She smiles, trying to calm him down. Short of breath, he takes his hand out of her hand and reaches to hold her face. She tries to move away without trying to escalate the situation. She was used to people crossing her boundaries, it wasn’t something new to her. His fingertips touch her face slightly, when suddenly,
two people in black tailored suits pull him away in an instant.
“Mr. Sigl, we have to go.”
Caught off guard by the sudden action, she gasps, still grateful of them.
“Thank y-”
“We are very sorry for Pietro’s behavior, ma’am” he bows down deeply, his face unreadable.
She looks at the guy being carefully taken away,— ‘Pietro’
He looks back, eyes still puffy and shining, sending shivers down her spine. Something familiar, yet uncomfortable. She caresses her right ear, wondering if that sound was real.
“We sincerely apologize. It’ll never happen again Ms. Yu.”
“It’s oka—” , before she could even complete her words, he walks back to a black limousine with that guy.
“How did he know my-”
“SARAH YU!!!” Her boss screams at top of lungs, her roar waving in all the way across the road. She jolts up from the bench.
“THE BREAK WAS ONLY 15 MINUTES!! GET BAC-”
“Coming! coming!”, sprints her way back to the cafe.
“Thank you for coming!”, Sarah says with her usual smile as the customer leaves. As she watches them leave, her gaze catches that bench again— ‘How did they know my name?’
“Okay everyone— That’s it for today. Don’t expect me to excuse the late coming again tomorrow…”
The sun starts to settle down slowly, painting the sky pink and shining on her face again. She notices her reflection in the facade of the storefront, a uneasy sense of somber pulling her heart heavy.
She touches her cheek as she moves closer to her reflection— The humming was back, more clear now. “Sarah?”
“Yes?” she answers the call like an instinct, “Yeah- I’m coming”
She puts her apron down and plugs in her earplugs.
“Here”, the girl says as she hands Sarah her jacket and scarf. “Thanks Amy, I almost forgot”
“Almost” she scoffs, “Just say you forgot” Amy remarks as she walks out of the cafe. Sarah juggles through her phone, trying to put a sound on— to cancel out the hum.
She turns off all the lights out and closes the cafe quickly and sprints towards Amy,
“Wait up!” she shouts. Amy looks back to Sarah,
“Catch if you can”, she giggles as she starts to run away.
“What? I can’t hear you—”
They both race to their apartment, laughing and giggling. The street lamps’ warmth feeling like a smile towards them— for them only.
Amy halts and throws a snowball towards Sarah, landing right on her face
“Get those earphones off already!—” she laughs as her stomach starts to hurt from the run.
“You’ll get frost-tips Amy!” she says while making a snow ball. Both of their laughs echoing up in the alleyway. After some while, they both sit down on a snow.
“I can’t anymore” Amy says as she releases a big sigh, “I just ate something before coming”.
“I agree on stopping too”, Sarah rubs her hands together.
“It was hectic today. More than usual”, Amy comments as she looks up at the sky— the moon looked like an eye slightly opened.
“Yeah—” Sarah looks down.
“Who was it?”
“What?” Sarah exclaims.
“At the lakeside— that guy with red hair”, she leans closer, “You were crying when you came in”
“No I wasn’t—” “You were..”
Sarah stares at her face for a while before looking down to her boots.
“I was?”
The previous warmth of the lights felt like nothing now. All Sarah could feel was the cold snow beneath her— and the hum coming back.
“I don’t know why—” she looks up the Amy, “Just a creep probably”.
“Oh my god Sarah- was he harassing you or someth-”
“NO” Her pupil dilate.
“I mean— No. No”
She takes a big breath, “I don’t know Am, lets just go home. I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Amy looks at her, trying to find her answers. Sarah stands up and leaves, Amy sighs and sprints up close to Sarah…
They both reach their apartment, total silence on their way. Amy could feel the tense between her and Sarah. She stuck up behind Sarah till they both entered their room,
“Sarah I’m—”
She stops as Sarah looks back, “What?”
She sighs and walks past Sarah, hanging up her coat.
“Look, I was just concerned bout you”
“It’s fine”, Sarah bends down to take her boots off, “I overreacted actually. It wasn’t anything new really.”
Amy looks blankly— in confusion “What do you mean nothing new—”
“What do you want for dinner Am?”
Amy’s eyebrows still furrowed.
“Fine… You gotta eat from my taste tonight then”, Sarah stretches as she walks towards the washroom. Am just stood there, still processing.
[To Be Continued…..]
I can't think of a proper title for the story yet. I'm thinking of assigning a title after completing it. I would like any type of feedback from my other writer or reader fellows....
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Sarah works at a cafe. A man was talking to her, calling her another name, before being taken away. Sarah doesn’t think much of the man initially, but when she talks to Amy about it, she begins to wonder…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love the whole interaction with the guy and Sarah, it seems strange, but I feel like there’s more to it, especially since he called her “Hyuna”. I wonder if that’s Sarah’s real name and if the guy might come up again, but maybe not. Another pressing question is the fact that the guards somehow knew her name. How did they know? Why would they know?
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an amazing first chapter to the story! As for your note at the end, this is only the first chapter, so I don’t know any other title that could fit the vibes of this story. Your title that you chose seems fine, I like it. I’m excited to see what will befall these characters and if any past memories will get jogged for Sarah and with that…
I wish you a fantastical day/night! ^v^
Thank you for your review >,<
I kinda in the middle of my exams that's why I haven't been able to write- but I'll continue soon. As the story continues, the answers will be revealed too! Stay tuned! ^^
Okay!
A FANFICTION BASED ON ALIEN STAGE????
YESSSSSSS
A bid fan of ALNST <3.. But the names are just inspiration T_T
Dw I'm making a fanfic of ALNST too =P
Hello BrownMatter, and welcome to YWS!
I'm already intrigued by this start to your story-- who is that man, and how did he know Sarah/Hyuna's name? Did she lose her memory or something? (I'll just refer to her as Sarah from now on, since it looks like that's what's she's called by most people.) Anyways, you also do a good job of making your scenes lively, such as with Amy and Sarah's banter.
I think the main piece of feedback I have is related to grammar. You have a lot of fragments that don't make sense as standalone sentences. (Sentences need at least one subject and verb. For example, "Still drenched in her usual smell of coffee and teas." is missing those. A proper sentence would be, "She is still drenched in her usual smell of coffee and teas.", since the subject would be the "She" and the verb would be the "is".) While I have seen this used by authors of published books, it's usually pretty rare and only for intentional pacing. In most cases, you can connect the fragments to other sentences, like this: "The bell rings as she steps outside of the cafe, still drenched in her usual smell of coffee and teas." This makes it flow better instead of sounding choppy to the reader. ^^
Alrighty, on to some specifics!
I quite liked this section, especially how she can't understand what his eyes are saying (which is in contrast to the common saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul). The humming voice also has a supernatural feel to it, which is always fun to read :0
You have some typos throughout your story. (For example, here, "look" should be "looks". Also, in the American English I'm used to, thoughts are put in italics, like this, instead of single quotation marks.) Using a tool like Grammarly or Google Docs or perhaps reading your story aloud could help you catch some of them!
This sentence is beautiful :')
I wonder what that hum means... Perhaps some hidden past is returning... >.>
Once again, welcome to YWS! Let me know if you'd like me to clarify any parts of this review, or if you have any other questions :] Keep writing, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!!
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really needed it. My grammar is kinda weak and I'm a quite impatient person- I noticed the grammer details after posting it actually T_T. I'll keep your feedback in my mind whenever I write it. Also, I'm not quites satisfied with this version, I've made some change (including the ones you recomended). That's why I'm thinking of posting the new ver. P.S.- I actually did try to add the italics but I don't know how to do it here. Can I please get you help with that? Again, thank you so much?
I'm sorry for the typos again. And- yeah! I found a way to edit out the mistakes! : )
You're welcome! And haha no worries, I actually think typos/grammar "mistakes" are super interesting and not a problem in informal communication, because usually the meaning is still understandable. It's just that it looks more professional to follow the standards when publishing stories =P
Also, for adding italics, there should be a setting at the toolbar near the top of the Publishing Center! So you can highlight the section you want to italicize, then click on the "I" button, which is circled in green here: