Published May 1, 2010
Warning: It's not as suspenseful or thrilling, but it has some content that should not be read by younger readers
A scream with no words; how delightful it is to hear the silence on the tip of your tongue. Not a single sound leaves you, but your eyes beg for mercy, yet even with all the mercy in the world I would not allow you such satisfaction. To see your blood slowly drip down your arms and thread its way to the ground, and the fear held so beautifully on your face; how I love it.
The urge to slash those high cheeks and pouty lips you possess. To smash in every bone in your body and tear you limb from limb; how I desire to do so, my pretty little doll. So pretty and small, all chained and dressed up hanging from the wall. With such tiny wrists and ankles that I could fully grasp upon, with gorgeous hair that would bring other women to shame, how perfect you are in this small room I hold you in. And all mine. You won’t be leaving me again. We will never be alone. I grabbed the thin neck and gave it a good squeeze, loving the way her body seem to tense and coil together. Just you and me; forever.
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140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello and Welcome to YWS fellow writer
, this was good and your descriptions were colorful and fluid throughout your piece and the sentences were great too. I love horror, though I hardly wite it and I enjoyed this; plus I wish it was a little bit longer but all in all it was like I said good. Thank you for the read and ta ta for now BW.
I enjoyed this piece and I really liked the title it drew me in making me want to read it and thats what I look for when I am looking for other pieces to read so thumbs up on that for you. Keep writing you are a good writer.
First off welcome to YWS! I hope you like it around here, meet some friends, read some of our great writers, and review some good works
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Wow. I have to say, I'm not really into horror, but this is awesome. I love it, which is rare, so well done!
I love how there's no explanation, of who she is, or what happened before, you just get a glimpse into this twisted mind. I don't think it would be quite as good if you had added more to it. I actually like how you had him say "How I" to me it gives sort of gives a more freakish feeling, because it's not used that often. One thing I would suggest is that you cut down on all the semicolons, I noticed that you used a lot of them, and it kind of sticks out to me a lot. But awesome job, I can't wait to read more from you.
Good luck, and keep writing!
~Hope
Some parts seem a little cliche, I recommend rewording them.
To smash in every bone in your body and tear you limb from limb
And the phrase "how I" in how I desire to do so, my pretty little doll.. Saying "how I" before a sentence describing desire is an example of a fossil in writing, that remains in writing simply because it has remained in writing. Sort of like saying "don" when talking about putting on a piece of clothing. "Ben donned his purple hat." Nobody ever "dons" anything anymore unless they happen to be in a work of literature.
I think you could also fix this piece up by adding more descriptions about the narrator or the victim in this case. Describe the setting, maybe include a brief flashback about when the 2 characters first met each other to add some depth to your MC.
I hope this has been helpful, good luck with your work.
This is quite good! There's no explanation or anything; it just gets right into it. But it's still understandable, so that just allows the reader to decide for theselves who they are.
The descriptions are really good and vivid, so I could picture "you" hanging there.
Now, personally, this almost sounds like a poem. Some of the lines are rather poetic.
So it sounds good overall and keep riting!