(Note: I'm not sure if this belongs here or under Narrative Poetry...? )
It didn't happen immediately.
I worked with him for a month
Didn't really pay attention to him much
until one day
Wow.
I can't remember when it was exactly
Maybe two or three weeks ago
or a few days? I dunno.
But all of a sudden I noticed
these big dark chocolate eyes
with the long lashes
below the pierced eyebrow.
And I noticed his smile
a slightly cheeky grin
coupled with a soft wink
and a gentle laugh
And I was totally smitten.
He is shorter than me
just a little shorter
with bronze skin
a smooth face
and chiseled hands.
I couldn't stop watching him
so cool, calm
Kind of like me
He came up to me one time,
asked me a question or something,
but I was focused on his hand on my back
and his eyes on mine
and his soft voice
and that smile
and those eyes.
I watched him when he wasn't looking
admired the way his eyes moved when he read
the way his hand toyed with a pen.
And then
I found out he was gay.
It sounds kind of funny
but man did that suck.
His roommate told me that
he came to work high sometimes.
And man did that suck.
Sucked all the air
out of my heart shaped balloon.
Well, almost all of it, anyway.
Maybe someday I'll meet another guy.
One who's straight, sober and clean.
Ha ha.
Like that'll ever happen.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked this poem, because it reminded me of life situations I've been in. It really put a heap of reality into it.
The end stanzas were a little too short, I think, though they still flowed alright. Still, I like how the first half of your poem works out, and in the end it just seems very abrupt. May consider revising? The drug reference also seems a little out of place admits the general boy-girl feelings.
Otherwise a very good piece, very realistic. I applaud you.
EDIT: Also agree wity ST's comments.
I liked this... But I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I know this isn't much help so I think I'm going to review later when I've thought it through.
I agree with ShadowTwit slightly though.
Good! Yes, I think it should be moved to Narrative. Drop a Mod a PM.
It read more like a story than anything, which might make some people say you should move it to Other Fiction, or that it isn't a poem. I don't know, but it's something you might want to think about.
When I started this, I was thinking, "Yeah, yeah, girl likes boy, same old cliched junk yawn" but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't! Good twist, and easy to read. But I think you should make it clearer what the girl's mood is at the finish. Cynical? Twisted? Hopeful? At present it's hard to tell.