Published January 27, 2012
I miss you so much,
I can't stand it,
every once in a while,
I will catch myself thinking about you,
I loved you, I loved what we had,
but we let it go,
now its too far gone,
you have moved on,
I have too,
I'm in a better place now,
but I still wish I was with you.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hello BrokenSkye,
many times throughout this you've skipped capitalizing your "I"s and it looks scruffy. Make sure you remember that in future!This was sweet and cute but also a little bit too cliche for my liking. This idea that you've used is honestly far too overused and the way you wrote this wasn't much if any different from the way that this idea is usually written. For this to be interesting or to really appeal to the reader you needed to take a twist on this idea or change it dramatically so that it has an effect on the reader. There isn't really anything new here and it doesn't hold value because it's not a new or exciting idea and it isn't strong.
As far as layout went that was a little plain as well. This would have been better in stanzas because it looks scruffy in one large bulk of text. Try spacing this block of text into four line stanzas and already you'll notice the flow increase and the pacing become more fluent and less choppy. This is easy to do and takes so little time and the result means is surprisingly good! Try this an already you'll notice an improvement!
Next, what's with all the commas?! Try using a full stop or an exclamation mark now and then! It will add expression to your words and will also help with the flow issue that you have here. Commas aren't enough punctuation for even a free verse poem.
Also while we're on the subject of punctuation make sure you remember to write "I" In place like these:
Now let's looking at description and imagery. The line with the most description that I could find was this: and even this barely described anything at all. Try using a metaphor or a simile now and then! Even a basic adjective can sometimes transform a sentence so just try focusing on that when editing your work!
So in conclusion I think this was a little rough and you do have a long way to go but keep at it and with practice you can only improve! I really hope I didn't come off as too harsh or mean I actually just want to help and you're actually a pretty good writer.
From DreamingForever