The chairs scrape against the cold
tile floor, the trays are placed into
the rack, voices of laughter bounce off
the walls.
The abandoned milk jugs; half empty or half full.
They are my only company, along with the silent
empty chairs and the cold hearted bare table.
Soon the voices have left, the laughter
has died, and the chairs are pushed
into place; I am alone.
Walking out the door without a soul to speak or
a hand to hand to hold. Looking around
you may see a crowd of people but
one girl stands a part from the rest.
She is hidden behind a veil of hair
looking down at a pen, and paper
afraid to meet a room of judging
stares.
The bell rings, the locker
doors echo in the halls, the voices
fade everyone going home but I
even in a crowd am alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
First of all, welcome to YWS, so I'll welcome you as I welcome all new comers; with a picture of a piece of toast.
Now, for my two cents on your piece.
Over all, I like the theme you've got here, and it features a lot of description of the room, which for me emphasises the perspective of the the character being alone in the cafeteria.
I didn't really understand what, if you were, trying to do in the first stanza. The last two words in each of them are in a completely different line. It's a little strange, because it's difficult to read. I can't really tell if it was a mistake or a choice, but it isn't a good one. It's just bizarre, unecessary enjambment. Also, it seems like a list either way, but it's a little like three sentence fragments without an "and" at the end. This is how it should be;
The chairs scrape against the cold tile floor,
the trays are placed into the rack,
and voices of laughter bounce off the walls.
That about covers what I have to say. If I had to pick a favorite part, it's the milk-jug stanza. I drink a lot of milk in my house, so we have an empty carton at all times. They make the best friends when I'm in my home alone (hahaha).
Keep it up, and have a lucky day!