[i] I remember it like it was yesterday, the thin mist in the distance of the dense forest. The sun was hiding behind the clouds, it was too incredible to be real. We are leaning against a tall willow tree, the light wind blows the drooping leaves repiditivaly. We lay their in silence, no words are needed for this. I look up at your beautiful face, how could you be mine? Your too perfect, to good to be true, your the best thing thats happened to me in such a long time. I turn my head in the other direction of you. your cool hand lightly touches my cheek softly and gently. I turned my head, i couldnt resist the smile that appeared on my face. I closed my eyes to feel you soft lips touch my neck gently. Your work your way up to my frozen lips, even though I always feel warm when your arms around around me. Thats when it hit me, how did this happen? how did we get here? i dont remember anything. Just then the annoying buzzing sound of my alarm clock awoke me to the sun shining through my window hitting my face and making my eyes squint. This always happens to me, Why me? just when I think I have something worth living for. It ends up to be non existant to me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
kierstyn,
i loved this. i would have to agree though with everyone else... don't switch tenses. but i loved how you described everything so vividly. maybe describe more about the characters in here
-lindsey =]
I like this. I would have liked a longer post, but this is fine. As for the editing, just stop switching tenses. It makes the reader a bit confused.
Welcome to YWS!
Did you mean for this to be in italics?
You changed from past to present tense.
Did you mean Repetitively?
I loved this sentence.
Grammatical/Other Spelling Errors
Overall, I think if you provide a little bit more description at the end and correct your grammatical and spelling errors it would be quite a pleasent short story.
OHOH I WIN I WIN.
idk what I win at but I think it's that I know you in person, yay!
Okay, time for one of Olivia's THOROUGH reviews, readyy for it!?
kay(:
(first, did you do the 2:1 ratio thing?)
All right so in the beginning you used past tense. Then you start to switch to present like in the sentence above. Try and keep it all past or present.
there*
You're*
too*
you're*
'your' should be capitalized.
I couldn't*
Repetitive.
You work*
How*
I*
Why should be lower cased.
Just should be upercased.
Put a coma after 'for' and lower case 'it'.
Overall
It was short and sweet. Cute, petit, realistic. You did a good job for your first post! You had a lot of grammatical errors, though. I suggest maybe spell check or read through after you're done writing. Good job!
Peace,
Olivia.