Why Is It such an ordeal to gain the attention
of you, pompous youth of this "Modern millennia",
without risking high levels of tension?
Hah, more like the youth of "Modern dystopia".;
Now, for those who are still Interested,
I am here, doing a last ditch mission,
wherein all my spare time has been Invested,
to smack some sense into your brains that lack Intuition.;
Show the magnificent fortresses of solitude,
which stood isolated in their duty of guidance,
even a wee amount of true, heartfelt gratitude
and It shall bring to you ethereal blessings in abundance.;
For those who never looked at you rebels in disdain,
and on whom you leaned for support and assistance ,
like an old grandpa on his trusty cane,
would, by your loyalty, be filled with boundless exuberance.;
O! Only if you, hot-blooded youth, had enough reverence
to show such benevolent souls recognition,
for their selfless acts that molded your mortal essence
In the almighty forge, that is, heated education.;
And so, conscious youth, go to thy mentor,
praise their divine sacrifice and Immolation,
for to make joyous the humble soul of your tutor,
It requires nothing but true, unadulterated appreciation.;
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I like the rhyme scheme and the theme.
Last line was the Ultimate Show Down!
Hey there, Brave0Heart066! I'm here to give you another review, hopefully it'll help.
So I suppose you earn points for that.
Why Is It such an ordeal to gain the attention
This is more of a personal question than a nitpick, but why do the first three words begin with capital letters? In my mind, I can imagine this being presented in a fairytale sort of way, where the first few words are written in a calligraphy-style font and are kept separate from the rest of the first line. Is that what you were wanting to achieve? I know formatting can be a little hard on Yewis. Anyway, I'm just wondering why you did that.
Hah, more like the youth of "Modern dystopia"
I'm sure many teachers go into a classroom with high hopes, only to have them crushed by a seemingly dystopian group of pimple-faced monsters.
I like the extremely formal language you used. It's so formal, in fact, that this almost becomes a comedy piece. I can imagine the teacher parading around in a white toga, waving a lightning bolt about their god-sized head. Because I definitely get the feeling that this teacher sees himself as a god.
Your lines were a good length, and overall the words flowed well from one to another. I liked this poem, and had a few laughs as I read. Thanks for sharing.
Hey there, welcome to the site! I'm going to give some comments as I read through first and then try to summarise my thoughts at the end.
Specifics
1. In free verse poetry, especially modern free verse, it's generally best to not capitalise at every new line. That's a very traditional/ structured way of writing poetry and is generally not followed these days but people instead capitalise much as they would in prose - only after a full stop.
2. I think you could cut 'To show' from the first line to make the flow a bit snappier and I feel it should be 'which stood' instead of 'that stood' in the second line.
3. The phrase 'ethereal blessings in abundance' is a bit of a mouthful and doesn't flow very well. I'd suggest tying the word blessings to an image instead, like maybe you could have a simile which describes the blessings as being like a thousand Chinese lanterns or like rows of origami doves? The poem at the moment is quite literal and it would be nice to see some strong imagery added.
4. The beginning doesn't feel like it's following the rhyming structure because the words simply have the same word ending so when the second set of four lines have more obvious rhymes, that kind of felt like a change in direction. You were then more subtle with your rhymes again in the later lines and I think the subtle rhyming worked much better for you. I'd probably suggest making 'sane' and 'cane' a less direct rhyme to fit in better with the half/ subtle rhymes you use elsewhere.
Overall
I'm not sure about the use of archaic English like thy and thine in this. On the one hand I like that it's a poem about education and where else would we hear old English but on the other hand I don't think you'll reach your target audience. If you want to reach out to modern young people and to express the feeling that they should show gratitude toward their teachers then I think the poem would have a better chance if written in modern language. I also feel that old English should only be used for poems written using an old structure, such as the sonnet, or poems which make strong use of irony.
Other than that, I think the theme of the poem is good and it was fun to read and for the most part very easy to read so nice work on the flow.
Keep writing!
~Heather
Hello Rydia! I am honored to see that a member of your status has took the time to read and review my humble poem. As you can see by the flaws, this Is my first and rather feeble attempt at free-verse poetry. I Implemented some changes upon seeing your advice, although I was hesitant to remove the archaic words. But your point is correct and I accept It wholeheartedly. Hope you see this 'version'. Thanks again, your advice Is truly Invaluable.
We're all just people under the coloured user names so no problem! And this version is much better and I think adding the more modern language has given it a strong rhythm - it would be a great poem to read out loud!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So, to start off I want to welcome you to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here, I know I have so far. If you need anything, please let me know, I'd be happy to help!
Now, on to the actual review. I really like this poem! I don't see a lot of actual rhyme-scheme-incorporating poems here on YWS, at least, not ones that are very good. But this one, I felt, was very well executed. You got your point out quickly, which id good because it keeps readers engaged. You were very clear yet poetic throughout the poem, which I also liked, because it made it easy for readers to understand you. Going along with that, I liked your use of old English! using words like "thy" and "ye" can be a little confusing, but I thought that it helped you develop a voice of your own, which I really liked. Anyways, I just really liked it as a whole!
I had a couple things that I wanted to point out to you, just to make sure you were aware of them. They aren't too important, feel free to ignore them, but I feel that the poem might be improved if you incorporated them. First, stanzas. Because of the rhyme scheme you used, I feel like stanzas would help the poem become clearer to the readers, by giving them another pause to take in the information they have just received. I suggest making a stanza every four lines. If you need help on how to do this (formatting is weird here), please just ask me, I'd be happy to help you out.
The other thing I had was very nit-picky, it's about your fifth line. You have the word "cane(s)" at the end. I feel that this interrupts the flow of the poem, and that the parentheses are not necessary. I imagine you included them to show that the fifth line rhymes with the seventh line, but the predetermined rhyme scheme already shows that, and if you think that they don't rhyme because of the "s" at the end, that's alright. You can still use assonance, and it doesn't interrupt the flow. I suggest just taking the parentheses out and leaving the "s".
Anyways, overall, really good job! Try to adjust those things I mentioned, if you feel they are important. Otherwise, please ignore me! I look forward to reading more of your works, and good luck!
herbgirl
Hello there herbgirl! I am truly grateful for your review. I was quite hesitant to publish this as I had my doubts, but I am so glad that you liked it. I like to write rhyme-scheme-incorporating poems and I am happy to see your compliments. Now, about the poem Itself, I agree with you. Stanzas are Important for many reasons. The thing Is, I actually tried to Implement that factor, but failed as I did not know how. I guess leaving lines just do not cut It. The second mistake which you pointed out Is about the "(s)" In the poem. I was concerned about It from the start, but feared that removing the parentheses would deter/disrupt the flow of poem but I realize that It actually did the opposite of what It was Intended to do. On the whole, your review was really helpful and I thank you for taking your time to read my poem and review It. I would really like your help because I feel a little lost, presumably because I am new. I would be Indebted to you If you show me the ropes. Thanks again!!