What if??

WOW! first of all I'm Pointe and I will be reviewing you today .

#FF0000 ">1. i have redone the poem into a poem format
#FF0000 ">2. It's easier to read now

What if he did what i think he did now?
What if he tried to hide it and succeeded?
What if?What if? What if?
What ifeverything he told me was a lie.What if its true that i never knew what wasnt true?
What if?What if?What if?
What if I found out thats nothing was true and i break down and cant#0040FF ">can never recover?
What if everything was true and i feel stupid thinking that it wasnt?
What if?What if?What if?
What if theres a happy ending after the depression and coldness?
What if its mINE HAPPY ENDING?
WHAT IF
#FF0000 ">just completely re-do this part


#FF00BF ">overall: this poem needs ALOT of workALOT! it doesn't flow and doesn't feel poemish.
~there are to many WHAT IFs
but other than that this is a great base for what could be a great poem so keep at it
i give you a for a good try
p.s. WELCOME!
p.p.s.
don't take my review to heart. when I first came I got really mad at people for being mean. But we are just trying to help you become a better writer!
~pointe

Flower~Child wrote :Hey there, Flow here and I will be your reviewer. I hope you have been enjoying the site so far. Please don't take my review as harsh because it isn't meant that way. I know what it was like to be new, and I thought everyone was being rude. Just getting that out in advance.

Ok. Well you can't really consider this a poem until you put it into a proper stanza form. I will set that up in a second for you. I also noticed that you have a good amount of repitition in this. I think some is good, but to much is annoying. Anyway onto the poem.

Boycrazy wrote:What if he did what i think he did now? I would get rid of the word "now".
What if he tried to hide it and succeeded? Hide what? We need details in this.
What if?Space here.What if? What if? These are not really nessecary. It makes it sounds more like a song, in which you should put this in lyric poetry, or just lyrics.
What ifspace.everything he told me was a lie. What did he tell you? We need to know that as well.
What if its true that I never knew what wasnt true? This line is very confusing. It doesn't make much sense.
What if?What if?What if? Space between these.
What if I found out thatsemit the s. nothing was, true and I break down and cant recover? Also I would put this on the next line. After the comma that is.
What if everything was true and I feel stupid thinking that it wasnt?
What if?What if?What if?
What if theres a happySpaceending after the depression and coldness?
What if it's my HAPPY ENDING? No caps please. It gives nothing to the poem, it actually takes away.
WHAT IF?

Ok, so that is proper use of stanza, now do you see the repition. All of the lines say basically the same thing, what if? It's not good to start every line with the same thing. I also thing you need to give some more story behind the poem. It just says basically what if, but we want to know what comes after that.

I hope I helped, if you need anything feel free to pm me.

-Flow-

A lot has already been said about this poem, and most is very true. The former reviewers are probably much more experienced at this than I am, so this might not be helpful. But maybe it will. Anyway, one major way to help this poem is to try setting it up as a poem and taking out a few of the 'what if?'s. Also, try not to make as many careless mistakes, grammer wise. Such as:
"What if he did what I think he did now?
What if he tried to hide it and succeeded?
What if everything he told me was a lie?
What if it's true that I never knew what wasn't true?
What if I found out that nothing was true and I break down and can't recover?
What if everything was true and I feel stupid thinking that it wasnt?
What if there's a happy ending after the depression and coldness?
What if it's my happy ending?"
I took out that last what if to try and give the last question a meaning. Try to add more poetic devices as well, to improve the poem.
I really hope this helped! And remember, never give up on your own ways to express yourself and believe you can do anything!
<3 ya

Okay, there was a lot to reveiw and edit in this but I think Flow pretty much hit the nail on the head so I won't say to much. This peice was really confusing and to me it didn't sound like poetry at all. Possibly this could fit into a different catagory but I wouldn't label this as poetry. I kind of understand this in a way but maybe putting in an introduction would help us understand the background a little better.

Hey there, Flow here and I will be your reviewer. I hope you have been enjoying the site so far. Please don't take my review as harsh because it isn't meant that way. I know what it was like to be new, and I thought everyone was being rude. Just getting that out in advance.

Ok. Well you can't really consider this a poem until you put it into a proper stanza form. I will set that up in a second for you. I also noticed that you have a good amount of repitition in this. I think some is good, but to much is annoying. Anyway onto the poem.

Boycrazy wrote:What if he did what i think he did now? I would get rid of the word "now".
What if he tried to hide it and succeeded? Hide what? We need details in this.
What if?Space here.What if? What if? These are not really nessecary. It makes it sounds more like a song, in which you should put this in lyric poetry, or just lyrics.
What ifspace.everything he told me was a lie. What did he tell you? We need to know that as well.
What if its true that I never knew what wasnt true? This line is very confusing. It doesn't make much sense.
What if?What if?What if? Space between these.
What if I found out thatsemit the s. nothing was, true and I break down and cant recover? Also I would put this on the next line. After the comma that is.
What if everything was true and I feel stupid thinking that it wasnt?
What if?What if?What if?
What if theres a happySpaceending after the depression and coldness?
What if it's my HAPPY ENDING? No caps please. It gives nothing to the poem, it actually takes away.
WHAT IF?

Helo

First off Welcome to YWS.

Secondly, this kinda is not a poem. So I can not review it as one, however I shall contemplate it as another matter if you would.

I think this would be an amazing opening to either a novel or a short story, and if you could incorporate it into either it would be amazing.

The caps on the last night need editing in my opinion as they just are annoying frankly. And personally, and this may just be me, but I think that What if? is repeated one or two times too many. so maybe re-read and edit.

A good starting piece.

(As a welcoming note, if you have any questions at all either Private mail me or post me comment on my wall and I will help as much as possible)

Keep writing

~Retro Disco666