Published February 9, 2010
I wrote this for a project..is it any good?
When He Fell
Michael opened his eyes to a dark starlit sky. He knew right away that he was no longer in the heavens. No, it was in a much different place…. He was on earth, one of the many planets that his father had created a millennium long ago.
He stood up and stretched. His muscles screamed in protest and his joints cracked and popped. He spread his wings out, and pulled them around to inspect them.
“No.” He whispered quietly, louder, he asked to no one, “Why did this happen?!”
His breathtaking soft white wings were now a glossy black. He was so shocked that he didn’t hear the sound of leaves and twigs being stepped on until it was too late to hide.
He braced himself, eyes closed, just waiting for a scream and retreating footsteps. Instead, he heard the exact opposite; hesitant but advancing footsteps.
He opened his eyes to see a beautiful girl standing across from him. Her green eyes were wide, showing no trace of fear, only curiosity.
“What are you?” She asked quietly, gently tucking a stray strand of her auburn hair behind her ear. He was silent, thinking about whether or not telling her the truth. Finally, he said, “I’m an angel…Er, was an angel. I was thrown out, and I fell. So, I guess I’m not an angel anymore.”
“Well, technically, you’re still an angel…you’re just a fallen angel. But there is one thing that I would like to know.” She said thoughtfully.
“What’s that?” Michael replied to her.
“Why did you fall?”
“I fell because I broke the rules. I fell for mortals and I wanted war. I’m ashamed, but I know that I deserved it… But I just remembered that I’m not the first angel to fall… No, that was Lucifer, he wanted to be higher that God himself, but he was proved wrong, and he got worse than I did. He got stripped of his wings, I still have mine, but they are no longer white. Maybe that means that I still have a chance…” He said.
“You do have a chance.” The girl replied.
“I do?” He asked, hope in his grey eyes.
“Yes.” She said, “You must save a mortal person’s life, and you will earn back what you had before.”
“How am I supposed to do that? And how do you know this?” He asked her.
“Because I am the human girl you are supposed to save. I am the girl that will have you earn the title as Guardian. You are the first one that falls and keeps his wings, and you are the first one to earn this title. In order to do that, you must save me. I am also already dead.”
“How am I supposed to save you, then?” He asked hysterically.
“I cannot say, all that you can know is my name.” She told him calmly.
“Which is?”
“Gabrielle” The girl said, and disappeared into the night.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I think you've got a good concept from what I can see. The overall structure of this piece is interesting as well. Are you going to continue this story or was it a practice of what you can do?
Hey, there
So first off, I'm not necessarily a big fan of the second half of this description.
Bones cracking and popping gives more a connotation of breaking than stretching. Maybe use joints instead?
You should separate quietly and louder in this sentence. To have such radical opposite right next to each other can get confusing.
On another note, paragraphs should not be two sentences long. They were good sentences but that isn't necessarily enough. Try to include more details. We don't know anything about Michael other than the color of his eyes and wings. He's a main charcter so you should put some work into developing him.
This was good! I liked it, keep upt he good work.
Hiya! x
As all the other reviews said, the first thing I thought was 'cliche!' This could put some people off, so try thinking about a more exciting or 'different' starting. It's okay, I got criticed for my 'fallen angel, angst and sadness' starting too :\ I loved this story, is this just a prologue or a short story, or even a first chapter? It would work as all of those. It was quite a powerful ending, except for the poor punctuation.
Just change it to:
"Gabrielle." The girl said, and disappeared.
You even write 'and disappeared into the darkness' for that little bit of story magic
Did this ending take you long to think up? I thought it was very clever and well thought through. Make you go 'oh right!'
I think this would be a good project to continue with, because you've painted an amazing story. How about make it a short fantasy story?
Forgotten x
Hello, Drago here to review your story.
When I saw this, I was thinking it would be another fallen angle story. It surprised me when I actually enjoyed reading it. I like the general plot, but as said above, too much info was heaped upon the reader in the form of dialogue.
The characters knew too much about what was happening. The characters don't need to tell the story, the story needs to be placed on the characters shoulders. Know what I mean? I think the chapters should be longer, but don't force anything to avoid making the wording feel very drab.
Slow the pace down just a bit, and I'm sure the next chapter will be absolutely splendid.
Hello Bottomless Eyes and welcome to YWS. I've come here to review, just like every other story.
To begin, I liked the grammar. I didn't notice any bad mistakes, but a quick rewrite would be good. On the other hand, the info is to surprising. I would suggest the girl not come so quickly and they talked like they knew each other. Besides that, great job and the story and I will be looking for more.
Its was very creative and interesting. I could find nothing wrong with it, but that maybe you should describe everything a little but more. Other than that it was very good, and I enjoyed reading it.
This is definitely an interesting idea, and I would love to see it brought to a short story or, even better, a novel. However, there are some problems I have with this excerpt in itself, if you are to use it without editing. Mechanically, it was fine, but it seemed too short and to the point. As an author, you knew exactly what was going on in your scene--every little detail was planned out. However, your characters should not show the same premeditation. Things seemed to happen too quickly. Perhaps if you re-wrote it, you could add some pauses, inject some emotion. Make if feel real, rather than an assembly of characters vomiting up information.
Good luck, and I hope your idea takes you far.
Hi there BottomlessEyes,
I'm Tanya, nice to 'meet' you
I started reading and groaned out loud thinking 'not another one of these fallen angels stories' but you brought in it a surprising twist. Very very good. I'm impressed
So what are your plans for this project? Is it a school project? Or a book project you plan to continue? Could you please pm me when you post any more of this?
Thanks!
Tanya
That is really good. You are really imaginative and can put your imaginative thoughts to paper extremely well. Very well written with the punctuation marks in place. Achees