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by Boolovesyou

There are the ones who are broken,

dangling from the tall oak tree,

and while it grows taller on false roots, 

branches die and fall further to the ground. 

They lie and wither

with little hope of life.

They are the simple rejects 

and society grows out of sight.

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Points: 574
Reviews: 3

Tue Feb 12, 2013 6:15 am
ANwesha01 wrote a review...

The poem, I believe, is open to more than one interpretation, through the readers' and the poet's variegated perceptions.

The language is eluding and yet veritably stark in reaching out to the readers, of how mechanical can be the process natural selection of the living, the efficacious, over the dead or the effete.
It raises the timeless question- is life more real that the surreal end to it?
Perhaps it is. For which even at the threshold of death, we still look up to for that last pervading scree of light, to crack through the closed doors, the insignia of our all forgotten streak of existence.
This precise verse, stands verbose in its expression. Very well written!

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884 Reviews

Points: 28282
Reviews: 884

Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:40 am
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...

Hey, here to review!

First of all, I love the concept; really, it is great, and you worked around it pretty well. Still, I feel as though you need to do a bit more with your wording and kind of get this poem into its own element. It feels almost...I don't know...almost half-baked? Perhaps it should be longer, and perhaps it should be revised, but in either case, it shows massive room for potential.

There are the ones who are broken, [Now in this line, for some reason, the vagueness of "the ones" irks me slightly; even changing it to "those who are broken" settles in my mind with more natural fluency].
dangling from the tall oak tree, [Tall oak tree? Why? Why oak? It felt like a funny adjective to include, unless it has resonance].
and while it grows taller on false roots, [Love this line]
branches die and fall further to the ground. [This, however, falls a little flat].
They lie and wither [Not a fan of this line].
with little hope of life. [Or this one].
They are the simple rejects [Again, this makes me excited about the concept].
and society grows out of sight. [I was kind of thrown off by the sudden rhyme, but I like the idea].

Overall, as I've said a couple of times already, I really do like the concept of this poem. That being said, it is most definitely lacking a certain...something. The ending almost feels rushed, and I kind of wish that you'd taken the time to expound further on this idea. I think this would work out really well as a longer poem, and this is undoubtedly a solid starting point. It's a good poem as-is, but I would love to see it expanded.

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

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50 Reviews

Points: 822
Reviews: 50

Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:41 am
Pencil2paper wrote a review...

Hi Boo!

I love the whole idea of the poem, and I think that it is mostly true- although I am a reject myself and am certainly not broken. I loved the metaphors you used in the poem and I think you executed it perfectly. Overall a good piece. However, I think you should make it longer to further explain your purpose. That's my two cents worth.

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:13 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there boo! Dogs here with your review! Before I jump in, Is your username a subtle reference to "To Kill a Mocking bird?" If so I think that's rather clever and witty of you :). Anywho, lets dive in shall we. Firstly I think you could do more with your slightly generic title, but I looovveee the concept and imagery of this poem. You shape this around a wonderful metaphor and you keep a rather consistent and reasonable flow, while retaining the readers attention. Well done there. So you've covered the basics wonderfully, so your next step is to start improving these basic steps.

The only problem I really find here is that you use incredibly old and overused words that I read every single day. You need to mix up your vocab a little bit, use more exciting words. Not only will this make your imagery stronger, but it'll help with increasing the reader's interests. The best way to do this is to look up some of these boring words in a thesaurus. I do it every single time I write a piece.

"Branches die and fall further to the ground."

You could certainly do better with this line, maybe try something along the lines of: "Branches perish and plummet to the earth" I know you could certainly do better than the little snipit of an idea I gave you. It's just these little things that will really make your piece pop more than it already has.

That is really the only issue I have. Certainly try to use stronger words wherever you can, look back into your poem and thing about other words that you could replace, adjectives are usually the best words to use the exciting descriptors but entirely up to you. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay