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Frosty

by Boolovesyou


If I beg you not to leave
will you stay with me and believe,
in stories of Santa’s reindeer
that you whispered in my ear.

This is our compassionate moment
although filled with torment,
of knowing you cannot stay forever.
Perhaps through one more endeavor?

Stories where fear imposes
On reindeer with glowing noses,
But its always a happy day,
when the story ends the classic way.

You, my frosty, will melt,
along with everything I felt.
I will be waiting here,
Everyday till next year.


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139 Reviews

Points: 6358
Reviews: 139

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 6:22 pm
SwallowedByInsanity wrote a review...



Boolovesyou wrote:If I beg you not to leave
will you stay with me and believe,
in stories of Santa’s reindeer
that you whispered in my ear.

replacing "stories" with "tales" might work better.
Boolovesyou wrote:This is our compassionate moment
although filled with torment,
of knowing you cannot stay forever.
Perhaps through one more endeavor?

"In this lies our compassionate moment"
"But tis filled to the brim with torment"
See how simply word changes, and more of a poetic twist to the phrases can really make it flow so much nicer?
I don't know, that's just my suggestion. Anywho, Keep writing!




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59 Reviews

Points: 7308
Reviews: 59

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:47 pm
catslikebooks2 wrote a review...



This poem makes me......pensive. Not sad, but more thoughtful, reflective, I guess. You really get a full story from this poem, I can tell it was well thought out.This diction used in the poem aids the story along nicely. I can only spot one thing that may have been an error:

Boolovesyou wrote:If I beg you not to leave
will stay with me and believe,

did you mean to put a you after will? Other than that I don't believe there are any errors. I really like this piece, it has a solemnity to it that I find interesting, I haven't seen anything like it before.
Boolovesyou wrote:You, my frosty, will melt,
along with everything I felt.
I will be waiting here,
Everyday till next year.

This part sums up the piece quite nicely. I like your allusion to Frosty. The rest of the lines make me feel sad, but they do create the perfect ending for this piece.




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10 Reviews

Points: 1474
Reviews: 10

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Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:31 pm
RileyStone says...



Overall, loved it. The only error I caught was

If I beg you not to leave
will you stay with me and believe,





hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight