“ Crazy ” Elisa spits the word like its some foul, disgusting thing of evil. “ Mentally Deranged? INSANE!?”
“ Elisa, honey calm down.” Martha tries to soothe her.
“ CALM DOWN. That fucking doctor with her little degree and stupid office. Yeah, I know the meaning of crazy and I’m not it Martha!”
“ I know that, the doctor just didn’t realize, don’t freak out sweetie.” Martha gave Elisa a look that said I know what I’m talking about.
Elisa had been to the therapist. Her mom forced her to go today, and Elisa had been at her worst. In the end the therapist had proscribed Psychotherapy, Self-help groups, Lexapro, Lithium, and Xanax. All these, of course, had been backed up by a doctor. The doctor had also ordered that Elisa be put in a mental health hospital and observed for a week or so.
“ A fucking, god damn mental health center!”
“ Elisa! I don’t want to hear you cussing anymore!” Martha slapped her. “ People with mouths like that go to hell, dear.”
“ Fuck you.” Elisa spat at her.
Martha gasped and went to slap her again, but Elisa pushed her away. Martha left long scratch marks down Elisa’s arm anyway. “ You're going to the hospital whether you like it or not!” She picked up a knife.
“ What are you doing, Martha?”
Martha just glared at her. Getting anxious Elisa backed away from the mirror she stood facing and hid in a corner.
“You know you can’t hide from me!” Martha stabbed Elisa’s leg, pushing the knife in deep.
Elisa’s scream echoed through the house. Martha pulled out the knife and turned her head side ways saying, “ I thought you liked hurting yourself, isn’t this what got you in trouble with the doctor in the first place?”
“I-I” Elisa shuddered as tears flowed down her cheeks. “ I’m sorry!”
“ You will be.” Martha smirked, and slammed the knife into Elisa’s side. Elisa bit her hand to keep from screaming, instead whimpered in agony. “ I HATE YOU.” Martha pulled the knife out.
“ Elisa, I’m home!” A door slammed in the kitchen. Elisa didn’t reply, quickly trying to hide behind a laundry basket in the bathroom.
“ Elisa?” It was her mom’s voice and foot steps coming toward the bathroom. “Oh my god. Elisa!” Her mom pulled a phone from her pocket and dialed 911.
“ In English!” Mrs. Marsset screamed at the doctor, who was explaining what had happened to Elisa.
“ Mrs. Marsset, I’m sorry, but your daughter seems to have lost it. Her multiple personalities killed her. She hadn’t started the treatment yet.”
“ I don’t understand, I was just out picking up a few things for the drive! I was going to come home, and bring her to the hospital!”
“I’m sorry.”
Mrs. Marsset stood outside a big tinted window starring in at a padded room. A girl with brown hair that extended to her waist sat inside. She was huddled in a corner whispering to her self. The room was white and padded. She was dressed in white with straitjacket on.
Mrs. Marsset pressed her forehead against the glass and whispered, “ Oh, Elisa.”
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I can only echo everything that lilymoore said. All of those comments are high quality.
Especially the one where you don't really tell us what Martha is to the Elisa. Given by the "honey" and the "sweetie" kind of talk, we automatically assume that she's her mother. But because if it were told well, we would know that Martha is the same age as Elisa...unless her split personality is older than Elisa. Then that would be all right. But by the end, when we learn about the multiple personality, the assumption that kind of turns around on itself and we're totally lost.
Also, seek to inject a unique personality (or personalities?) into your characters. Granted, this is very short, but beside the stabbing, we can pretty much predict everything that everyone will say before they say it. Angry teen. Coaxing mother(?) figure. Back and forth. It's more like an idea than a fleshed out story.
An extreme example of the sparse descriptions. It happens so quickly and with little notice, that we double-take and wonder if that's really what happened.
Also, "slammed" isn't quite the right word. "Slam" often denotes a heavy, thudding kind of thing. Slam a book down. Slam a chair down. Slam a door. You don't slam thin little things that slice through objects with ease.
But on the other hand, we get too much description here. She pulled a phone from her pocket. Okay. Whatever. Why not just say "Her mom dialed 911"? Or "Her mom ran to call an ambulance"? Something either more concise or more dramatic than "She pulled a phone from her pocket."
What? But she's still alive....
Anyway, I think everyone else covered most of the major points pretty well.
I liked this very much even if its slightly creepy lols. it had a nice plot but you need to describe more haha. I couldn't find any spelling errors that anyone before me has already picked up so nothing there. All in All I truly enjoyed this ^^. Keep up the good work and I hope you describe more I was slightly confused on who Martha was and still am? I really don't know who she is was she a friend? Or something? I don't know lols. Either way good job and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3
Hey there, Boo! Sorry it took me a while to get to this. I was a bit distracted getting my reviewing team ready I guess.
So, I’ll start off with something at did sort of irk me and that’s the spaces between all of your dialogue marks. I don’t know if it was a personal choice for you or if it was maybe a copy/paste error but I guess for me, it’s just a little distracting.
I won’t pick through little things as Harpo did a lovely job pointing out nitpicks. But I will say that you could do a lot more with this. The description is sparse at best and I think you could definitely tie it all together better. You could have done something very trippy like describing Martha before/while she’s attacking Elisa and then describe Elisa when she’s in the cell in the same way just to tie together the fact that they’re the same person.
I was especially confused at the end by the jump when Elisa’s mother showed up because until the last of it, I didn’t realize that Martha wasn’t her mother or possibly a sister. That makes the story definitely read differently. I was rather convinced that Martha was her mother so if Martha was described as a younger girl then that would have probably cleared it up.
If you have any questions or if you need anything, PM me or go ahead and leave a post on my wall!
~lilymoore
GREAT WORK just have a look at some of the changes I think should go in.
“ Crazy ” Elisa spits the word like its some foul, disgusting thing of evil. “ Mentally Deranged? INSANE!?”
“ Elisa, honey calm down.” Martha trys to soothe her.
It's spelt 'tries' and I noticed that throughout the story it is all things such as 'gave'. Consider this.
“ CALM DOWN. That fucking doctor with her little degree and stupid office. Yeah, I know the meaning of crazy and I’m not it Martha!”
“ I know that, the doctor just didn’t realize, don’t freak out sweety,” Martha gave Elisa a look that said I know what I’m talking about. Sweetie.
Elisa had been to the therapist. Her mom had forced her to go today, and Elisa had been at her worst. In the end the therapist had proscribed Psychotherapy, Self-help groups, Lexapro, Lithium, and Xanax. All these, of course, had been backed up by a doctor. The doctor had also ordered that Elisa be put in a mental health hospital and observed for a week or so.
“ A fucking, god damn mental health center!”
“ Elisa! I don’t want to hear you cussing anymore!” Martha slapped her, “ People with mouths like that go to hell, dear.”
“ Fuck you,” Elisa spat at her.
Martha gasped and went to slap her again, but Elisa pushed her away. Martha left long scratch marks down Elisa’s arm anyway.
“ You're going to the hospital whether you like it or not!” She picked up a knife.
“ What are you doing, Martha?”
Martha just glared at her. Getting anxious Elisa to back away from the mirror she stood facing and hid in a corner.
“You know you can’t hide from me!” Martha stabbed Elisa’s leg, pushing the knife in deep.
Elisa’s scream echoed through the house. Martha pulled out the knife and turned her head side ways saying, “ I thought you liked hurting yourself, isn’t this what got you in trouble with the doctor in the first place?”
“I-I” Elisa shuddered as tears flowed down her cheeks. “ I’m sorry!”
“ You will be.” Martha smirked, and slammed the knife into Elisa’s side. Elisa bit her hand to keep from screaming, instead whimpered in agony. “ I HATE YOU.” Martha pulled the knife out.
“ Elisa, I’m home!” A door slammed in the kitchen. Elisa didn’t reply, quickly trying to hide behind a laundry basket in the bathroom.
“ Elisa?” It was her mom’s voice and foot steps coming toward the bathroom.
“Oh my god. Elisa!” Her mom pulled a phone from her pocket and dialed 911.
“ In English!” Mrs. Marsset screamed at the doctor, who was explaining what had happened to Elisa.
“ Mrs. Marsset, I’m sorry, but your daughter seems to have lost it. Her multiple personalities killed her. She hadn’t started the treatment yet.”
“ I don’t understand, I was just out picking up a few things for the drive! I was going to come home, and bring her to the hospital!”
“I’m sorry.”
Mrs. Marsset stood outside a big tinted window starring in at a padded room. A girl with brown hair that extended to her waist sat inside. She was huddled in a corner whispering to her self. The room was white and padded. She was dressed in white with straitjacket on.
Mrs. Marsset pressed her forehead against the glass and whispered, “ Oh, Elisa.”
Make the charcters clear. I was confused a bit throughout the story about who was who. But good jobs
Oh my word. :O This was really well written. Well done. (: Wow. This was...gruesome. But, I LIKE!
I was just slightly confused. She didn't die, did she? Everyone was talking like she did but then she was in the hospital?
Its really well written...and sad :'(. Its really descriptive and really pulls you in. I thought it was good =) I'm not very good at story writing so I can't add any suggestions but I see nothing wrong with it anyway =) Keep writing =D