You use some very good rhymes, "her" and "Myrrh", "raised" and "amazed" just to name a few. Because the rhyme is so inventive it adds a new layer to the poem.
"Hello, you are real" were the words that caught my eye,
I lingered for awhile as my heart wondered why,
and it skipped with a beat so refreshing and new
as I breathed in the air and the essence of you.
Nothing I can really add to that, it's very good.
to a place in the sun that she warmed everyday.
Phrasing comes over a bit awkwardly, everything else up to here read easily and flowed well.
She inscribed on my heart the sweet vision of her,
and the scent of her love had the fragrance of myrrh.
Nice comparison here, though it does seem a tiny bit like myrrh was just chosen randomly because it rhymed.
whispers of her secrets beckoning me to go
near her light in the mist of the ramparts she raised.
Lonely hours, dying flowers, I stood there amazed!
The lines don't really seem to flow onto each other, I think there is a change of rhythm and it distorts the rhyme of the last two lines.
"Hello, you are real" her words enchanted me so,
The "Hello you are real" repetition words well, but I don't think you should repeat the "her words enchanted me so".
with her wonderful lyrics and beautiful song.
I like this line a lot, it's very good.
"Hello, you are real!" - Effective ending. Nice poem.
Points: 890
Reviews: 227
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