Young Writers Society

Very interesting, the good way, of course. The rhythm flows well, but it kind of rushes here and there. A few grammar mistakes, but that can be fixed. I like the choice of words, though. Remember, "choices made are choices lived."

Ooooh boy. Where to start? Grammar is a -must- dear. It would help alot, otherwise readers just ....jerk from one line to the next, or each verse runs into the previous as the lines all meld together as though there was no pausing for breath and the rhythm was the only thing that indicated that the next line what about to begin but you couldn't really tell because you were too busy trying to get to the bottom of the poem before you ran out of breath from asphyxiation. *gasp*

You see my point? Also, don't do the reverse and put, way too much punctuation into your poem. Then things, just like, tend to stop, and start, and have a very, jerky, rhythm.

Generally, a pretty good poem. Don't change the wording, but punctuation could polish it up ALOT. Make it shine, so to speak.

First stanza;
Choices made are choices lived;
you get back whatever you give.
When you're down and feeling blue
the blame lies within you.

That's the sort of changes I'd make. You don't usually put capital letters in random places in a sentence, and since a poem has sentences in them, albeit in a different structure, Why would you do the same with a poem?
Eek, I just realised that in the sole poem I did the very thing I'm saying -not- to do...*shame* My bad. But aaaaanways, pressing on...>_>

I liked the last line, how you repeated the first, but I -dont- like how the first is a sentence all on it's own. Hence why I showed an alteration to it. What that seemingly random period does, for me, is jutters that line out of sync with the rest of the stanza, nay, poem.

That's just the alterations I'd make, your choice of course, but just a little nudge in the right direction.

Tata mwa!

I liked this poem, it kept my attention really well.

Some of it was a bit...out of place, as though you were rhyming for the sake of it. For example:

Feet will burn without a hand

Experience the closing of the door
Step over the cracks in the floor