This is not anywhere near my best, nor is it even that good at all I was just bored in math and quickly scribbled a little poem
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My heart is beating within my chest,
you claim that you know best.
From within this dark hole of mine,
the words of which you define,
cause my restlessness and anger to combine.
The world has shun you, this I know.
My once peaceful love is your deadly foe.
Death by sin, 'tis a lovely hymn,
untill faced with reality.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I thought the rhyme was quite forced in place, especially at the beginning. I also think it's clear this hasn't been edited - some of the lines are clearly non sequiturs and don't really bring your concepts out as clearly as they could - the first 2 lines for example.
You also use some words that are too loaded to be very powerful, such as "anger and restfulness" and "reality". Try something simpler; it will make the reader find their own meanings and make a more meaningful poem.
Overall though, I liked it, especially your token internal rhyme. Good job
It's a fairly good poem, it doesn't really have any standout descriptions or words which really would draw my attention.
I'm a bit puzzled about what your saying here and define seems to be a very forced rhyme as the line doesn't seem to fall into place as easily as the rest.
I like the internal rhyme here, not sure why you abbreviated "it is" to 'tis, it doesn't seem as serious and loses some of the formality that your word choice had created.