Love is a magical thing. It's something that most certainly doesn't happen every day. This particular romance story takes place in the most romantic city of all, Paris, France.
~*~
A waiter with a big oily mustache and an old stained apron approached William. He said something in French politely. But William couldn't understand, he was American after all. "What?" "Good morning monsieur, what would you like to eat?" " Oh, I would like the scrambled eggs with 3 slices of bacon and some black coffee, please." the man told him. The waiter grimaced. "I suggest that you don't try the eggs. The chef barely knows how to make them. Plus, we don't serve bacon." "Oh, then what would you suggest I order?" "The chocolate chip bagel with vanilla cream goes very well with black coffee." the friendly french waiter told him. "I'll have that then. Thank You." William replied. The waiter scoffed again, then went to get the food. William started to regret his choice in cafe. He was currently in a small by-the-street resturant called, "The French Kiss Cafe." It was like any normal french cafe, with creamy eggshell paint on the plaster walls, a wall of glass where the door was, and clean white tile floors. A dozen cafe tables with high standing chairs took up most of the room, with a built -in counter and menu board in the corner. He procceeded to entertain himself by watching what was going on outside. He was watching a man drop his car keys down a sewer outside when he heard the tinkling bell that meant someone had just entered the cafe. William turned to see who was coming and saw a gorgeus young woman enter. She had glossy brown hair cut to her chin in the french woman style and stylish bangs. She was wearing a white shirt and brown skirt ensemble with a blue belt and matching beret. She walked to the counter and was greeted warmly by the kind waiter with the black mustache. "Madamoiselle Rose!" the waiter welcomed kindly. "Monsieur Edward!" she replied with a stunning smile. The two procceeded to talk in French until the waiter beckoned her toward his table. He looked around and saw that only one other table had an unoccupied seat, but he wouldn't have sat there either because one, it was right next to a couple of garbage cans, and two, the man sitting there was smelling the garbage. "Monsieur, it all right if Madamoiselle Rose sits with you?" the waiter asked when he and the beautiful french woman had reached William's table."It's quite all right." he assured him. "Good, good!" the waiter pulled out the seat for the kind looking woman as William thought, "Well this should be interesting."
~*~
Rose couldn't believe her luck. She was going to be having breakfast with an American! Just when she had wanted to meet and interview one for her newspaper, "The Springtime Gazzete." He looked very handsome with a good build, a square jaw, copper skin, midnight black hair, and smoldering green eyes with honey colored specks. She introduced herself in perfect English. The American seemed impressed and relieved that Rose could speak English. He introduced himself as William Tells. "Do you think we could meet up some time so that I can interview you for my newspaper, "The Springtime Gazzette?" she asked hopefully. "Sure. It sounds like fun. Why don't we exchange phone numbers?" he suggested. "All right." they exchanged their phone numbers, then went back to eating their meals, making conversation the entire time. Little did they know that this was the first step in their story, the one where they would be together for as long as they both shall live.
~*~
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hey there Book Lover!
It's meant to be French. Easy typo to make :/I'm just going to put stuff down as I read through it.
1. Your speech is difficult to read. Try separating it by pressing the carriage return when someone finishes speaking (Maybe YWS messed up your formatting, in which case you should sort it out anyway)
2.
3. another typo
4. Your description is good
5. The ending is cute too.
6. Try separating your story a little bit using paragraphs to make it a bit easier to read.
Overall, a good story with a cute idea and nice setting.
Keep writing
~The World
Hey,
This is a great story. However, there are two things I'd like to point out:
1. The waiter being rude because of the American's taste: You made the waiter a little too rude (or rather, unnecessarily impolite) to the American. Just because he ordered bacon? It seems unreasonable that the waiter acted the way he did when you consider the fact that they make bacon at the restaurant.
2. The introduction of the lady was brusque: I expected the sentence which brings a woman into the picture to be detailed and significant. But this was not the case when you introduced the woman with "William looked and saw a beautiful woman enter".
I feel that that could have been more expressive in order to create the impression in the reader's mind that the woman would eventually be important.
But still, great story.
Thanks for pointing out what I did wrong, I just fixed it and tweaked the story line a bit. Hope you all like the new Story!
Hey there Booklover33! I saw your post and just wanted to help out! First of all, this piece is really cute. I love romance stories, and I can tell you are a fan of them too! If this gets confusing, I'm sorry, I'm kind of a n00b at reviews still.
Here are some big points:
1.
“Love is a magical thing. It's something that most certainly doesn't happen every day. This particular love-at-first-sight story takes place in the most romantic city of all, Paris, France.”
So, I really like this part even if its not supposed to be part of your actual story. Although, not for a novel. This would be great (in my mind) for if you were writing a play, because it sounds like someone is narrating. Try to incorporate your setting into the actually body of the story, to add some detail.
2.
Remember: Every time someone different is talking, start a new paragraph. For example:
Instead of:
“ "Good morning monsieur. What would you like to eat?" said the waiter with a thick french accent. "I would like the scrambled eggs with 3 slices of bacon and some black coffee, please." the man told him. “
Do:
"Good morning monsieur. What would you like to eat?" said the waiter with a thick french accent.
"I would like the scrambled eggs with 3 slices of bacon and some black coffee, please." the man told him.
3.
Spell check! Even though everyone does it, every time, you need to make sure you spell things correctly. Which, actually, you do pretty well. The only things I could find were these:
“resturant”=restaurant
“ Madamoiselle”=Mademoiselle
“Gazzete”=Gazette
“gorgeus choclate”= gorgeous chocolate
See? Six words isn't bad in my opinion.
Now some nitpicks.
"I would like the scrambled eggs with 3 slices of bacon and some black coffee, please."
Any number ten and under, spell it out. Even if it is a higher number, never use numbers in dialogue.
“ William looked and saw a beautiful woman enter. “
I think this sentence could use some oomph. Instead of just “looked” you could use “glanced over”, or even “looked up to see” would be good. And is she just “beautiful”? Or is she “stunning”, “breathtaking”, “the most elegant creature he'd ever seen”?
You don't really need to change it, it's just a suggestion.
“ She had glossy brown hair cut to her chin in the french woman style and cute bangs.”
The only thing here is the word “cute”. Try to think from different points of views when you write. Would a grown man refer to anything as “cute”? Only if it's a man referring to his daughter. Something like “nicely cut” would work here well.
“She was wearing a white shirt/brown skirt ensemble with a blue belt and matching beret.”
No /, just use “and” here. Then put a comma in between “ensemble” and “with”
“She walked to the counter and was greeted warmly by the rude waiter with an black mustache.”
Two things here. “an” only comes before a word that starts with a vowel, so it would be “a black mustache.”
Actually, I would get rid of the mustache part altogether. It would make more sense to mention his mustache earlier, when Mr. Tells is having his conversation with him.
"All right. But I'm afraid you will have to sit with annoying American."
You forgot to mention why she has to sit with him. Is the rest of the cafe full?
“He looked very handsome with a good build, a square jaw, copper skin, midnight black hair, and smoldering green eyes with honey colored specks.”
I love this descrition, but again, I would change the word “looked” to something else. It might just be me, but I like “He was very handsome”. Oh, and a comma should be between “handsome” and “with”.
The rest looks pretty good to me! Super cute and really lovely actually. You want to hear my favorite parts? TOO BAD!
My most absolute favorite part was:
“He was watching a man drop his car keys down a sewer outside when he heard the tinkling bell that meant someone had just entered the cafe. “
This sentence was super interesting to me. It really grabbed my attention, probably because it was kind of funny. I would laugh out loud if someone dropped their keys in a sewer drain. I'm mean.
“Love. It had to be love.”
LOVE! Oh goodness me, I loved this too. It's so cute!
Anyways, I hope this was helpful, and don't forget to KEEP WRITING, because I will be watching!
P.S. Welcome to YWS!
wow i cant even count or spell. I meant 5 words. And I used descrition instead of description, lol.
I'm glad you liked that sewer part. I was really hoping SOMEONE would find it entertaining. And thanks for pointing out my mistakes. I'll remember them the next time I write. Comment you later!
Hi, welcome to YWS!
Really, the same issues exist throughout, and so while this may look like a lot of overwhelming criticism it's really just the same observation being reflected in different ways in each paragraph. This story would have plenty of potential if you slowed it down and gave these characters time to actually know each other. So give them that time! :]
And now, to tear your story apart a bit, if that's alright.
Keep in mind that I am really, really picky about romantic pieces. If they are overloaded with archetypes and cliches, I will not judge them lightly.
"Love is a magical thing. It's something that most certainly doesn't happen every day. This particular love-at-first-sight story takes place in the most romantic city of all, Paris, France."
^ I have a lot of problems with this, all circulated around the general idea that it's overdone, cheesy, and uninteresting. Starting with "Love is a magical thing" is not only typical, it's also an unnecessary statement. Then I could go on to talk about the over-hyped Paris cliche, but that can slide (for now).
"It was like any normal french cafe, with creamy eggshell paint on the plaster walls, a wall of glass where the door was, and clean white tile floors. A dozen cafe tables with high standing chairs took up most of the room, with a built -in counter and menu board in the corner. He was watching a man drop his car keys down a sewer outside when he heard the tinkling bell that meant someone had just entered the cafe. "
^ I actually liked this; this paragraph felt much more natural than the one before it, and it provided a really pleasant description. This, rather than the dialogue, was what began to draw me into the story and invest something into it; this actually wouldn't be a bad place to begin your story, if you shifted some things around.
" William looked and saw a beautiful woman enter. She had glossy brown hair cut to her chin in the french woman style and cute bangs. She was wearing a white shirt/brown skirt ensemble with a blue belt and matching beret. She walked to the counter and was greeted warmly by the rude waiter with an black mustache. "Madamoiselle Rose! You would like the usual, no?" the waiter asked her kindly. "Thank you Monsieur Edward. I would like the usual." she replied. "All right. But I'm afraid you will have to sit with annoying American." he said with more then a hint of distaste. "It's quite all right." she assured him. "Good, good! Right this way." the waiter led the woman over to William as he thought, "Well this should be interesting." "
^ Aaanndddd here you lose me again. Don't take this the wrong way (especially if I'm wrong about your gender, lol) but you come off as very feminine in describing this woman; you seem more comfortable describing her than you were with describing William. While that in itself isn't necessarily a problem, it implies some sort of connection between the third-person perspective and William's;while it's a third-person perspective, we're still kind of seeing things through his frame of mind. Suddenly going into this rather technical and detached depth about her appearance seemed kind of unnatural, and again the conversation felt stilted and staged.
"Rose couldn't believe her luck. She was going to be having breakfast with an American! Just when she had wanted to meet and interview one for her newspaper, "The Springtime Gazzete." He looked very handsome with a good build, a square jaw, copper skin, midnight black hair, and smoldering green eyes with honey colored specks. Soon, his eyes were the only things she could concentrate on. They made her feel like she in the sky, flying through clouds, past birds, and away from all her troubles and worries. She immediately knew what it was."
^ Perhaps, in part, I should retract my commentary on the last paragraph, but that being said, the description again felt unnatural. And while I definitely understand that attraction-at-first-sight thing, it seems *too* sudden and dramatic to be realistic.
"Love. It had to be love. Whenever he looked into her gorgeus choclate brown eyes, he felt like they were the only two people in the cafe, in France, in the entire world. He could easily imagine one day marrying this girl, so he built up his courage and asked, "Do you want to go out some time?" "I'd be delighted to." she replied. They exchanged phone numbers, then went back to eating their meals. This was the first step in their long happy life together."
^ This was the epitome of 'rushed.' I would've let this had more time, because again it feels unnatural.
You probably saw the words "stilted" and "unnatural" quite a lot in this review, haha.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xx
I admit I saw a LOT of things I wanted to change, I'm just to lazy to!:D
Anyways, glad you liked it on the whole. Would you mind looking at my other story piece? It's called Voices Chapter One Part One. I just put a small piece to see if everyone thinks I should continue with it. Thanks!
Hi BookLover!
Also, it would make a lot more sense for the waiter and woman to be speaking french to one another, rather than English. It also seems like this American man isn't the kind of person who would understand French (he's actually a tad unlikable, with his insistence for bacon which you probably would not find in a little french cafe). If this sort of digging in isn't something you want to do, or something you feel doesn't fit the story, maybe consider another setting?
This is a sweet little story! I like the sentiment a lot, of meeting the person you might spend the rest of you life with in someplace as simple as a cafe in France (or anywhere in the world at all, really! Isn't it funny how life works like that?).
The biggest problem I found with the story, though, were the very American stereotypes of the French. Part of being a writer is understanding how the world really, realistically works. Those ideas of the French rarely take into account their cultural norms and values, which is a little unfair! While many believe the French are "rude" they simply have a high value for their own culture. I was just in France in the fall, and what I experienced were maybe not people who were the most welcoming of tourists (because, let's face it, many Americans expect the world to cater to us. We don't attempt to bend for and understand another culture's norms or values). Whenever we attempted to use French, and tried to bend to their culture, we weren't treated rudely.
Basically, try to understand another culture from an unbiased perspective if you want to write about them! It's much more honest and real.
The only other thing that I found odd was how quickly these two fell for one another? It might make more sense for them to feel attracted to one another, have a conversation, share this meal in the cafe, and make plans to meet again. Then it could be commented that this could be/is only the start of a long happy life together for these two individuals.
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this! It was cute and short, but has lots of potential! Definitely keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thanks for the tips! I'll make sure to keep them in mind the next time I write. Glad you liked it!