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Art class

by BookDragon


In the very beginning of art

The very first day of the year

I noticed you and I noticed your work

Here’s a list of what I wish I had said.

Dear girl in my art class 

Your work is supreme

I watched you work with a smile. 

I saw how you smile when complimented.

I saw how you looked so proud.

Dear girl in my art class

Now I just watch you 

I’ve learned things about you

Like how you tug on your hair

And know English and French

Et tu aimes apprendre.

Dear girl in my art class

My friends have caught on

They say that I have a crush.

In case you were wondering 

When I ran into you

It was my friends that pushed.

Dear girl in my art class

Your friends now know

Though you still don’t, thank goodness.

When we pass in the hall

Our friends both laugh

But you are completely oblivious.

Dear girl in my art class

I now sit next to you

You’re  right next to me

(I think the teacher ships us together)

I’ve said one word

You chatter away

I can’t say a word

But you certainly now know me.

Dear girl in my art class

Are we now friends?

You smile when you see me

Your face lights up

I say more than one word at a time.

You’ve told me the things

I knew by watching

I compliment you

And you tug on your hair.

Dear girl in my art class 

Today you were different

Loud and talkative 

Blushing.

Your friends nudged you 

When we passed in the hall

Have they always done that?

Dear girl in my art class

You stuttered a few times today

Turning as red as an apple 

Your friends cracked up behind you.

Dear girl in my art class

I’m sorry for that

I meant your project, not you

Oh I’m so embarrassed 

Though you didn’t seem mad

When I said that your beautiful.

I meant it’s.

I meant it’s.

It’s beautiful.

But, you know

You are too.

Dear girl in my art class

Today you said

You had something to say

This wasn’t what I expected.

You said that 

You’re moving away.

Dear girl in my art class

Today’s your last day.

And I must gather my courage.

I’m going to tell you.

It can’t be what I wish I said

I’m going to tell you right now.

I must practice first

Here in my head

I can’t stutter or freak

So.

Here goes.

Dear girl in my art class

I like you 

I like you a lot

Yes you’re moving, so what?

You’ll be here in Oregon 

An hour away 

You aren’t in Florida 

Or up there in space.

You’re in Oregon 

And you are here in my heart

I like you

I like you a lot.

Love, the guy in your art class.


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Points: 256
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Tue Nov 05, 2019 2:02 am
ivythe1st says...



This is so sweet oh my god!!! It's excellently worded and pulls the reader right into the story of the poem. The parallel structure is amazing too. My only advice is to maybe focus on the showing, not telling of the piece a little more. You do a great job at it overall, but it could be improved in a few places.




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Mon Oct 28, 2019 11:34 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



This is a really cute poem. I love how you display simple yet fervent affection. You've also shown both the inside of the narrator's mind, as well as outside happenings. I feel like this shows that the narrator isn't totally consumed in his own thoughts so as not to notice anything going on. He is watching and observing.

I really like the part where you wrote about him complimenting her art and accidentally saying "You're beautiful." I also like how it doesn't end sad or bad, but simply sweet. You don't specifically tell us whether the narrator expresses his feelings to the girl or not, or whether she definitely likes him in return, so you've given the reader's mind room to imagine. Good work.




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Mon Oct 28, 2019 9:24 pm
StudentAH wrote a review...



Awww oh my god I love this!! The end is really adorable and I love how rhythmic it gets.

Especially when "an hour away" rhymed with "up there in space" and that "Florida" and "Oregon" have the same inflection.

I can't explain how cute this piece is, its sad but I like how the narrator is uplifting about it. "Yes, you're moving, so what?"

I want a guy like this!! Lol.




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Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:08 am
SidPorter1 says...



God another hot one. This is ultra good I thought I'll read something mediocre but this impressed me. The build-up was astounding and truly impressive. It is narrative poetry at it's finest, he meets the girl and slowly the story goes and the story progresses, they become friends, they start having feelings towards each other but the sad part comes when they both seperate ways. Beautiful and simply lovely




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Mon Oct 28, 2019 8:01 am
SidPorter1 wrote a review...



God another hot one. This is ultra good I thought I'll read something mediocre but this impressed me. The build-up was astounding and truly impressive. It is narrative poetry at it's finest, he meets the girl and slowly the story goes and the story progresses, they become friends, they start having feelings towards each other but the sad part comes when they both seperate ways. Beautiful and simply lovely




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Sat Oct 26, 2019 1:39 am
EverLight says...



No review is necessary.
This is sublime.




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Thu Oct 24, 2019 1:20 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

This was super cute and I absolutely enjoyed reading it. You have such a cute story told from a very sweet perspective. I really loved the repetition of it. It almost felt like a Dear Diary of sorts! We could really get into the speaker's head and picture the evolution of everyone's feelings. It was just really, really cute and well done.

I imagine your draft might have formatting in it, so I'll only mention possible stanzas to break it up. I know formatting has been a slight confusion for some, so that could be what this is. The poem itself definitely seems like it would do a lot better breaking it up into stanzas for each "Dear girl in my art class."

I think the punctuation was a little off here, and I only mention it because you already have some punctuation already. There are some sentences that go without periods, and it can be a little jarring to read reliable punctuation here and suddenly zero punctuation there. Just something to keep in mind as you go through this!

OKAY so the meat of this poem is just beautiful. This poem definitely thrives on the narrative. I think it would be fun to see if perhaps some of the wording could be tweaked to make it flow a bit smoother. This could just work hand-in-hand with my punctuation comment, though. Both will, overall, help with good and smooth phrasing for a better flow of words.

But I ultimately want to discuss the ending because this is clearly heartbreaking. I feel like it can't decide between whether he's making a desperate plea for her or ease her worries that everything's going to work out. Or perhaps he's just trying to convince himself it'll work out. I don't really know! He starts with a "so what" for the words, but the lines kept going as if he's trying to convince her or himself that it really DIDN'T matter for these reasons, and then suddenly brings it back to a romantic finish that felt a little awkward. So I'd definitely recommend tweaking the ending a bit to make it better reflect the theme of this poem, which is to express his feelings for her. The move itself isn't as relevant as how he and she might handle the situation emotionally in relevance to their feeligns for each other. Hopefully that makes sense! Just to tie the theme up better for the piece.

That's all I really have to say, so it's not that much constructive commentary. I really did enjoy the read. It was cute, sweet, and did a great job making me feel sad for the guy.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Mon Oct 21, 2019 11:29 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hey Book Dragon!
Stellar Jay here for a quick review! First off, this is really good. I actually felt sad for that guy at the end. I'm gonna pass off some good advice that I got on my poem. Make your lines a little longer. When they are short, it takes the reader longer to get through the poem. If it's a short poem that short lines are fine. But your poem is pretty long, so I would make the lines longer. It'll make your poem smooth and easy to read.

Also, I would put in breaks and create stanzas. It isn't a huge problem because you have a short lines and all. But it would be like creating paragraphs if you know what I mean. I would add in the breaks right before the "Dear girl in my art class." It would define each stage of your story. I think that's all! overall your story was really nice. I hope you keep on writing!!

- Stellar Jay





If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde