He smiled and a feeling in my stomach erupted as if a million little butterflies had just decided to flutter about at the same time. In that moment, my heart dropped, my face turned white and a realisation that hadn't occurred to me before had suddenly dawned on me. "Stop. You can't do that!" He looked at me puzzled.
"Stop what?" He asked, turning his head like a confused puppy.
"That!" I said, turning my back to him, a million thoughts racing through my mind. I can't believe I hadn't noticed the signs before. He walked in front of me so that we were face to face, still confused as to what had just came over me. "What is it?" He asked again, this time gently tilting my chin upwards so that my eyes met his. His hand felt warm against my skin and for a minute nothing else mattered, I could stay like that forever. The sudden realisation of what was happening snapped me out of his enchantment and I shook his hand away turning my back toward him again. "I don't know how to put it into words" I said, looking down at my shaking hands. "Try" he said turning me to face him again. I took a deep breath in and felt his gaze on me. "I don't know" I said with a nervous giggle, "everything stops".
"What do you mean?"
For a moment there I was glad that he was so oblivious. Maybe I could just say 'oh don't worry' and then we can just stay friends and I won't mess it up like usual, but a frown formed on my face. Some part of me wanted to tell him what I had realised even if I didn't want to hear it myself. I tried again, took a deep breath in, this time I looked at him. His blue eyes sparkled in the evening sun, full of wonder and questions. "Every time you smile I get this weird felling in my stomach and I get that same feeling when ever I see your name or hear your voice and when I'm with you, like I said, everything just... Stops. Time. Everything. Nothing else is around and nothing else matters except you and me" I stopped and registered what I had just said. A cool shade of red brushed across my cheeks. "W... Why did I just do that?" I stuttered to myself, intending to keep it to, just myself, but apparently I spoke to loud and he heard me. He stared at me silently for a while, I wasn't looking at him but I could feel it.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
First of all this is a very cute story! You should always start a new paragraph after dialogue. Also, I feel like we should get names of the characters, at very least her love interest, because, and I'm assuming that this isn't the whole story, it could get confusing to refer to him as he the whole time because there will be other characters. Does that make any sense? I hope so! Looking forward to more from you!
Hi!
So like the previous reviewer I think this story is adorable and cute. You described the feelings of the main character very well, and I love it.
What I think you could work more on is how you break your piece into more paragraphs. Reading on a PC with chrome, I think four lines, which equals to 90 words, is the maximum length of a single paragraph. It just helps people to read it easier, which is somehow a key to attract readers.
Maybe you would wish to separate this dialogue, as well as all the others in this story, into new paragraphs, and you may want to add a comma after the 'know' so that it feels more natural.
This is a short story describing a moment, which is fine, but I think it could really use some more background story to add in the depth, because right now it seems like it could be applied to everyone (though it might be your intention). Perhaps adding some experience or background story about them? It's up to you.
All in all this is such an adorable story, and I hope to see more from you!
Hey, priceofwords here
I really liked this story, it was adorable and something that a lot of people can relate to. The way you described this boy whom the narrator liked was beautiful, particularly the line, 'His blue eyes sparkled in the evening sun, full of wonder and questions.' It was so cute and told me a lot about their friendship. I also like the fact you added the, 'full of wonder and questions,' part, because that way it didn't become a cliché.
However here and there, there were a few small spelling mistakes. For example, 'felling' should be 'feeling.' But there weren't many and, to be honest, we're all a bit guilty of leaving a few typos here and there, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.
Some sentences could also have been worded more adequately. For example, 'I took a deep breath in,' should really be something like,' I drew a deep breath' or 'I inhaled sharply.' It would just make it sound a little more sophisticated, but you don't have to use any of mine. I have also noticed that you use this same phrase throughout the story. Repetition is often very effective in short stories, but in this case you can do without it. Try to think of another bodily preparation action, such as she could grit her teeth, shut her eyes tight to brace herself for what she has to say, etc etc? It would just give your piece of work more of an edge.
Overall though this is a good piece of work, it is very emotive and the descriptions you include within it help those who are reading it to get more in touch with the character's feelings. Also, as I have said before, the story itself is adorable and very relatable for young teens.
Keep writing!
priceofwords
I think that was pretty good. She sounds like she's afraid of having him like her cuz she doesnt want to tarnish the relationship. I think she's really brave by opening up, most girls wouldn't have the guts to do it so i applaud her. In summary; i think its pretty good and you should write more. Maybe in tge next chapter he'll be too stunned to reply and run out. It would be too cliché if he agreed immediately.
WELCOME TO YWS
i was new not so long ago and i can tell you this is a amazing site and promise you gonna love it.
nice short story hope to reed more from you
sorry about such a short review don't know much about reviewing in general and i am just starting myself writing stories
Puls: english is not my first languages so sorry about that
Hey BonnieorClyde,
WELCOME TO YWS!! Have a blast here and post and read to your heart's content.
Great story you got there and wonderfully descriptive and sweet. And the title of the story is mysterious and alluring. Nice narration and great imagination.
It's heart-warming and the feeling it gives is nice and generous. Keep writing better and better and also, try to make it more unique.