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The Slender Man. Chpt.1

by BoneDaddy


Johny was a boy no older than six, and he was running for his life. His lungs and legs were burning but the cold air froze the sweat on his skin. He felt no pain, the fear was blocking it all out from him.

He looked back at his home, hearing gunshots and a scream. it was a simple two story home out near the wood line, no neighbors for atleast a ten minute walk. It was painted white with yellow window shades. All the lights were off on the first floor, only a few were on in the living room. One from the hallway near the stairs, the other was his room, with his mothers blood covering the window.

The moon shone brightly, so Johny saw the back door opened noiselessly. The figure had to bend over and croutch to get through the door. It stood up to eight feet tall at least, and was incredably thin. It wore a buisness suit, which hugged his body perfectly. It had no eyes, no mouth, no ears or hair and a noes or anthing for a face, but Johny felt it stareing at him with a murerous intent.

Johny turned towards the forest and ran, even though his father told him to never go in the woods at night. the thin trees were easy to dodge, but the small branches still stracthed at his skin as he ran. Every few seconds he would turn around and look. one second he was alone, another he saw it close behind him, reaching for him. He made sharp turns in another direction, hopeing to confuse it.

Suddenly, Johny tripped. his body slammed into the gound hard, causeing the fear to be forgotten and all his pain halt his body. He layed curled on the floor crying and gasping for breath, snot dripping down his face. The image of his mother being torn apart burned in his mind no matter how much he tried to forget. He could still his father grabbing him, yelling at him to run. ' Why did i talk to that thing?' 'why did i show it my home' he thought crying more and more

Even through all of Johnys sobbing, he heard something drop infront of him. slowly he opened his eyes, he had to brush away his tears to see clearly what it was. Johny's heart stopped when he saw that his fathers dis-embodied head drop infront of him, eyes full of fear.

Johny sat up and tryed to crawl bakwards, but a arm slid on the ground like a snake and grabbed his left ankle. before he had a chance to scream, the hand started to pull him between the trees. Desperately, Johny flaied his arms around, hopeing to grab a tree to help him. Luck was on his side for this moment, and he grabbed a rock. He started slamming the rock into the hand pulling him, it only took two hits for it to let go and disapear in the darkness.

As soon as his legs were free, three more arms grabbed him by his arms and chest and pulled him upwards. Johny faught; he kicked, he screamed, he used words he was told not too, but the harder he flailed, the more hands that grabbed him til he could no longer move.

He was pulled higher and higher till he reached the top of the tree line, where he was face to face with the slender man once more. He was noticeably differnt then last time, to say the least. his legs were long enough to be twenty feet tall, his torso also noticeably longer. He sprouted arms from his arms from his arms from his arms, Johny couldnt count them all. It reminded him of a spider web, the web being the creatures arms, he was the fly, and the slender man was the spider.

All Johny could do was cry silently as he felt arms grab every part of him. upper and lower arms, upper and lower legs, hands and feet, even two on his spine. Just like what happened to his mother.

The last thing Johny, a boy no more than six years old saw, was the Slender man's face-less smile


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Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:33 am
SkylerLestrange wrote a review...



Oh my god! I love the slenderman. I'm deffinately gonna jeep track of this story.

I think this last sentence was very well crafted;

"The last thing Johny, a boy no more than six years old saw, was the Slender man's face-less smile"

Reading it gave me goosebumps! But good ones. You have a real talent for writing and I do hope you continue this totally awesome story. I wish I could write like this dude!

Keep up the goodwork... :L




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Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:37 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey BoneDaddy

Welcome to YWS! Let's jump straight into this work, shall we.

Presentation!

Remember that there is a difference between writing for yourself and writing for others to read. even though yws is designed to hep you impprove as a writer, you still have to begin with at least a little standard. Before you post anything to anyone (not just on yws) make sure you proofread. In this piece, for example

- Check all sentences start with a capital letter.
- Running a spell check should get rid of the simple spelling mistakes (you can probably find copy and paste spell checkers online if you don't have one.
- Spell check will also get rid of simple typos.
- Put different pieces of dialogue on different lines.

Harnessing technique is important but technique is redundant when you haven't got the basics- knowing them and also implementing them.

Positives:

On the positive I like the choppy style of this. The short sentences and clauses are disruptive but it works in this piece.
In the beginning you've jumped straight into the action and rounded the chapter off nicely, and catching your readers attention straight away is one of the most crucial parts of this kind of fiction, so well done.


Ps- Don't forget to do a few reviews before posting your next chapter.




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Wed Feb 01, 2012 9:17 pm
BoneDaddy wrote a review...







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