This is part one of my story for Rosey's contest. Please tear it apart!
Sandy!
She watched as the little yellow mutt sat at the foot of her bed. He had his tail in the air, and his nose to the ground; whining, as if he needed to be let out. But he couldn’t be here, he was dead.
She remembered digging his tiny grave, placing him in it; and the worst part- covering his little body with earth.
Sandy had been the only thing she had ever loved, besides Mr. Nibbs, her stuffed monkey, who was supposedly from her mother.
Mindy hated everything else: her parents for giving her up, her foster parents for not being her real parents. She couldn’t love her foster parents; she had made that mistake before. She had loved her first foster parents, and they had given her back and she would not let that happen again.
So while Sandy whined and wriggled, Mindy got up and out of her bed. As she did, the little dog dashed out the door. Mindy, not wanting to lose her beloved friend, ran after him as quietly as possible, so as not to wake the Smiths. Sandy reached the back door, and stopped, but he scratched at the door, wanting to get out. It was cold and wet outside so Mindy put her shoes, a thin coat, and her hat on. She opened the door just a little bit, and Sandy bolted outside. Mindy saw him run over to the garden in the corner of the yard, and he started digging in his favorite place to dig, that is when he had been alive.
“Sandy,” she whispered loudly “What are you doing!?”
She was about to try to pick him up when she heard his nails scratch at something.
She looked in the hole he had dug and saw a piece of wood, with what looked like a large door knocker on it. Curious and slightly confused as to why this, whatever this was, was in her garden; she began to move away the earth. Within a few minutes Mindy had uncovered a circular piece of wood, painted green, with the head of a dog, holding an iron ring near to the top. It seemed to have neither a knob, nor hinges, but she got the feeling it was a door, to where it lead she had no idea.
Sandy moved over to the door knocker and pawed at it, whimpering. Mindy was sitting with her legs folded underneath her, in the middle of the board; the knocker within arms reach. She leaned over timidly, unsure of what to do; this was all so odd. “But what’s the worst that can happen anyway?” she asked herself. Gingerly grasping the ring in her first three fingers, and thumb; she lifted it. It seemed to fall in slow motion, as it hit the forest green wood; she shut her eyes afraid to look, as if something terrible might happen… But nothing did.
“What in the world is going… ahhhhhhh!”
The door had opened up and dropped her. She was falling, fast. She fell for what seemed like an eternity, there was no sign of her little yellow dog. She was twisting and tumbling as she fell, but she caught brief glimpses of the bottom and saw that she was getting close to it. It scared her, would she be smashed against the ground and die? Would it be painful? Or maybe it was all just a dream, and when she hit the ground she would wake up. That was it, it was all a dream! She would wake up and find herself safe and warm in her own bed.
She hit the water hard; it did not hurt, but it knocked the breath out of her lungs and, she rose to the surface she gasped for air. She pulled herself onto the bank, and looked around at where she was.
She found herself in a great cavern, large and spacious; but it was not cold and drafty as she expected, no it was warm and comforting. There were flowers growing, crystals everywhere, and six different caves leading to place like she had never seen before. A boat was tied to a post in the ground; she searched inside of it to see if there was anything of use. The first thing she saw was a candle, as she picked it up it lit as if by magic.
She used the light to look further into the boat, finding; a coil of rope and what appeared to be a large folded blanket. She picked up the blanket, and began to unfold it was not as she thought a large blanket; it was a dress, wrapped in a cape, with small boots in the center of the bundle. They looked like something out of a fairy tale book. “But,” she thought “I guess anything is better then a wet nightgown.” She pulled of her wet clothes and put the dry ones on. The fabric had seemed so thin, but it was really quite warm; and everything fit perfectly, as if it had been put there just for her.
“My god,” Mindy said out loud “what is going on here?!?”
“Madam, I believe I can explain.”
She turned around quickly to see a little man as high as her knee standing on a rock.
He wore a light purple cap that covered hair the same color as cornmeal.
A beard of the same color flowed down over his forest green tunic.
A pair of dark brown boots protected his feet from the sharp rocks that covered the cavern floor, and a belt was notched around his waist.
He bowed low, bending over so far that the tip of his hat brushed the ground.
“Oh, great! Now I’m hallucinating!”
“Oh no, no, no, no, Madam.” He said straightening himself “You mustn’t think that! Everything you see here, it is all very real.”
“No,” She shook her head “It can’t be. It’s not possible for anything in the world to be like this.”
“At least not in your world it’s not.” He replied
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello, I am Kiara, and I will be correcting and critiquing your work here.
All of the quotes above should be made into separate sentences.
The question marks seem to be a bit excessive.
Inner thoughts of a character should be shown by an italic font, not quotation marks, for someone isn't speaking.
You tend to use an awful lot of semi-colons, and a lot of them are improperly used and unnecessary. This sentence should be changed to "... and thumb. She lifted it."
Overall:
The story itself reminds me a lot of Alice in Wonderland, which isn't necesarrily a bad thing. I just want for you to readers like your character more. She's in this situation, she's an orphan, and she has a dog. That's all we know about her. Make us like the character, give her life, express her personality, ect.
Wanted to say thank you for reading my piece it was nice of you and I appreciate it for a second time. Your work is well done. Oh, and another thing I just wanted to let you know that was only the beginning I have more I only wrote that much because I wanted others to get a feel for the story and tell me what they thought of it. Anyways just wanted to thank you and to let you know I'll be using any advice you gave me in the future.
I like it, the plot idea is really cool. Although I am wondering what the significance of the dead dog is. Couldn't you just make the dog a live dog, instead of a creepy zombie dog? Also I feel like the story was missing the proper emotion in some parts of the story.
This is a lot of information, and while you do a good job of mixing in a description of the setting with the action of her finding the boat, you do very little in the way of conveying her emotions. She has just fallen through a door that her dead dog led her too, and she is talking about clothes and flowers. Where is the shock and surprise? Where is the fear, this place is unfamiliar and how is she going to get back to her world? She doesn't know if she is in danger or not. There should be some more emotion other than mild curiousity.
My only other nitpick is that you don't need to start a new paragraph for each of these sentences. Good job, keep writing!
wow bondgirl your story is amazing you are an excellent writer i think you will make a great author one day!!!!
thanks for posting
Hey BondGirl! Stella here!
I'm entering the contest too, and I'm checking out the competition...
I. NITPICKS
A downward dog position?
That should be a small "c"...
I think the "but" is redundant...
comma after "Mindy."
reached...
whatever is all one word...
she, not She...
brushed, not brushing...
II. ENDING
Is this the end? Because it seems like it should carry straight on from this point. If there is another part, this does seem a bit of an odd place to end it... I don't know, I just didn't think it was an ending, it just stopped. Even if you turned it round so you described him and then he said "I believe I can explain" it might be better...
III. OVERALL
There was very little wrong with this- it was well written, but it just seemed to end... also, just be careful when you're proofreading to make sure you catch up on all those tense slip-ups...
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
I really like it. It's quite different to anything that I've read. The only thing that did confuse me a little bit was the first line
. I didn't understand it for a few moments, but I'm now gussing it was the thing Mindy thought when she first saw her dog.Once again, it's really good. Keep writing!