Thanks so much to everyone that critiqued the prologue. I hope this chapter turns out better!
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The door was thrust open and a student walked into the classroom, a slip of paper in his hand. He strode over to the desk the teacher sat at and handed her the paper. Without another word, he stuffed his hands into his pockets and left, the door making a disruptive click as it shut. “Christina,” the teacher called as she read the slip. “You’re being checked out. Gather your things.”
Christie stood and pushed in her chair with a puzzled look, but still triumphant. “Yes,” she hissed under her breath.
A nearby friend leaned over. “Where’re you going?” she whispered. Christie shrugged and headed for the teacher’s desk. Her feet carried her quickly over to grab the slip and leave, eager to be out of school early.
She was soon at the doors of the building and began searching for whoever was calling her out of class. “Mom’s at work…” she mumbled. “Dad should be too.” A frown set on her face. She propped her hand on her hip as she scouted the area. It took a moment to notice the counselor that stood by the door to the office.
“I called you down,” the woman approached her, giving Christie a friendly smile. She replied with a nervous look. “I have permission from your mother. She’s letting me take you on a little personal field trip. I told her it might help you with your school work.”
“Mom’s letting you take me some place?” Christie blurted, her voice thick with disbelief.
“Actually, she did.” A crinkled hand held up a paper with her mother’s curvaceous signature sprawled across the bottom. She quickly scanned the words above it and realized that she really did have to go with the counselor.
“Where are we going?” Christie sighed, her shoulders slumped.
“Oh, don’t look so discouraged.” The woman lead her out of the building and to her car. Christie felt more nervous by the moment. “I’ve been trying to speak with your mother quite some time about it. She’s a very busy woman. She didn’t seem to care much, though, when I wanted to take you off-campus.” Christie rolled her eyes.
“Of course not,” she mumbled, her fingers running up and down the seat belt strap that wound down across her chest. “Where are we going?”
“I have something for you at my house.”
Christie’s eyes widened. “But… but… you’re a teacher. You…” She began to panic.
“Calm down! I’m not going to hurt you. I just left something at the house that I need to help you with your studies. Then we’re going to find a quieter place for you.”
She still fidgeted in her seat and rubbed her hands against her pants, trying to wipe off the sweat that warmed on her palms.
“We’re here. Why don’t you come in and help me with these books? I’m an old woman, you know.”
Christie eyed her nervously but slid out of the seat. She knew her father would give her hell if she was rude to the councilor, especially since the woman really was old. The door slammed behind her with a certain finality that made her shiver. Closing the front door after they walked through it felt worse.
She walked through the hallway and gazed at how bare the walls were. The walls were white and the furniture was almost none-existent. “You don’t decorate much, do you?” she wondered aloud in almost a drone-like voice, more interested in looking at how empty the house was. The councilor had gotten ahead of her, though. “Mrs… uh… Mrs…” She paused, trying to dig up a name. No one in the school really knew the old woman’s name. She was a new councilor and had only been there a few weeks. No one saw her name badge or anything. She was just called The New Old Woman or something along those lines, depending on who spoke about her. A few called her The Witch.
“Will you come here for a second, Christie?” she interrupted, breaking through the girl’s thoughts. Christie shuffled into the room she heard the woman’s voice come from and found her in a bedroom like room. It was simple with a bed and dresser. It was the mirror caught her attention. She approached it with an interested gaze that followed the ornate design that circled around the mirror itself in wooden knots. She found it interesting that it didn’t stand atop the floor, though, but protruded from it.
“Where did you get this?” Christie asked, finding her voice far-off sounding. The councilor approached her from behind and set a hand on her shoulder.
“From my home world,” she replied casually.
“Home… world?” Christie turned to look at her with a frown but found everything turning cold in a flash. Her councilor had pressed a small knot on the side of the mirror, making the mirror change to a vision of another room. It had wooden floors and was decorated with plants and vines draping everywhere. There was gold that lined the floors, though, in between the wooden planks. “What is this?” she asked, dazzled.
The woman reached out and touched the glass. At that moment, everything changed. The world felt like it spun around her while she stood still, making her dizzy. Her stomach churned as it felt like her entire body fell sub-zero in temperature. The mirror drew them in, almost making her feel like she dissolved into the madness. Christie heard herself scream and drop to her knees, clutching her scalp. When she looked up, though, everything stopped. She was on solid ground and the world was perfectly still. Not a thing moved. Nothing made a sound.
The silence was broken when she heard a bird chirping. “Riim, what’s the commotion in here?” a man’s voice called. Christie looked up to see a regal man standing in a doorway across the room. Her mind searched for answers; he wore earthy cloths draped over his body and a crown wound around his temples and forehead.
“Pardon the noise, my lord. I was bringing another girl for your son,” said the ‘councilor’ with a bow.
“Ahh. And what planet is this young lady from?” the lord asked, folding his arms across his chest.
“Earth,” her councilor - Riim replied. The lord nodded and smiled over at her. “She certainly is a lovely little thing. A little bland and definitely softer than he might like, but we’ll see.” A strike of offense ran through Christie and she momentarily forgot how sick she felt. She pushed herself to her feet, but the next time she looked into the doorway, the lord was gone.
“Where am I?” Christie asked, turning to Riim. She trusted the woman even less, but who else could she turn to?
“You’re on my home planet,” she replied.
“Where are we? Seriously, this is just weird! Are you some alien kidnapper or something?” She started to freak out and scrambled away, backing up. Instead of the wall that she thought was behind her, though, she bumped into a body that stood a few feet away. When she felt her back against a man’s chest, she jumped with a short yell and backed away. “Who… where did you come from?”
The muscular young man in what seemed to be a grass skirt rose an eyebrow. “I heard Father saying there was a woman in here for me to meet,” he replied coolly. He stepped forward, making a soft swishing noise from what little he wore, but his bare feet barely made a padding sound against the floor. His hand drifted out to touch her hair. “You’re not from around here, are you?” he asked, his gaze directly on hers. It made her fidget uncomfortably.
“I… I… I don’t think so,” she stammered, beginning to shrink away from the young man.
“Derek, you’re scaring her,” Riim warned and stepped forward to place a thin hand on Christie’s shoulder. “I think we should get her settled into the guests’ quarters that are designed for this occasion.”
“Where did you take me?” Christie demanded, backing away from the woman she once thought was her school councilor. “You said you were going to help me study. This isn’t even Earth!” Her voice crept up in pitch to a more frightened tone.
“I told you; it’s my home world. Everything will be explained, Christie, relax.”
“Christie? What an odd name.” Christie turned to glare at Derek when he made the comment.
“Look, I just want to get home… Or take me back to school, I don’t care! Did my mom really give you permission to take me here?” she demanded, her voice wavering a moment.
“Well, no. I suppose this is a minor form of kidnap… but if you don’t pass, you’ll be sent home safely, I promise,” Riim assured, trying to calm the girl.
“Pass?” Christie snapped, backing up into a wall this time instead of Derek. The boy followed her with a smirk. He placed a hand against the wall and leaned in close, his eyelids half covering his penetrating brown eyes.
“Yes, pass. My father is insisting that I marry,” he replied slowly. “So I requested the finest girls in the world. In fact, I requested the impossible.” His fingers trailed through her hair, his eyes as unmoving as his body that was mere inches away from hers. Christie’s chest rose and fell quickly and she seemed to draw back into the wall away from him.
“So, I’m here so you can see if you want…”
“Yes, to marry,” Derek replied with a small smirk. “You might end up my bride some day. You will clean my house and bathe my back every morning,” he whispered, tracing a finger down her jaw line, just to emphasize her fear. “And lie with me by night, eventually bearing children for me.”
“I… no!” she shouted and shoved against his chest. He didn’t budge a bit, though.
Derek laughed and walked off. “Don’t worry. You’re a soft foreign girl,” he scoffed as he left the room.
Christie sunk to the ground, her legs feeling like jelly as she stared off at the opposing wall. “Why am I here?” she whispered.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Ooh. This sounds very very interesting! So far, it's very original and unique, which---in a time where everything seems to have already been written---is a difficult thing to have. So, great job on that and keep it up! Sounds to me like Basket got all the grammatical errors, you don't seem to have a problem with that.
From the very beginning you made Christie sound like a real, average teenager, like the way she is excited about getting checked out and is forced to respect authority enough that she ignores her bad feelings and still goes with the old woman. Very believable! I don't have any concrete advice about your writing, it's very clean, but I do have a couple suggestions that you don't have to take, because they aren't vital or anything. Just opinion. I haven't read your prologue yet (I will, though, after this. I'm interested!) but so far in this 1st chapter, it seems like you rush straight into the story and we have no idea about Christie. You might want to think about having a brief introduction to her character: having her spend a little time at home with her parents or with friends, doing the things she usually does in her spare time, in a class at school, or just with herself. Because, I know you're probably going to open up her character later on, but that'll be into the plot and this other world. You might want a little bit at the beginning for your readers to get to know her on her own planet.
Also, I am just not feeling the sentence: "Are you some kind of alien kidnapper or something?" Like, no one would ask that if they're panicking and it's dawning on them that they've just been stolen off of Earth. Right? I mean, "What are you?" maybe or "Are you going to kill me?" and so on, but I don't know... it's not a bad sentence really, I just find it sort of unbelievable. Very good job though! I can't wait to read more, PM me!
Hey there Bokkaku,
-->It's probably nothing but i think it's supposed to be "non-existent". Although ^ okay as well.
--> you missed a word.
That's it though. Great work
getting interesting.
Don't forget to PM me again for the next chap.
-barney
Wow I loved it!!! It was really, really good! I'm sorry I can't add more. There's just not much to critesize. I loved it all! Please please, PM me for the next chapter. There simply has to be a next chapter!!! Wow!
I thought I had caught all of those... ^^; It didn't show up on a spell check(I always have a spell check everywhere) because councilor is a word, too. Just not the one I needed.
Hey! Basket here to critique your work today, I hope you don't mind! Okay, so, my corrections/what I will be correcting will be in bold within the cool quotation boxes we can do here!
Sound good? Lets get started!
"councilor" to "counselor".
Why doesn't Christie believe her?
Ahh, that was... quick.
Same as above.
Hmm... you've got a good thing going here. Keep it up.
Something I'd suggest you do, though, is spell check this before posting it. Good job though!
-Basket-