Me and a few friends were like: Hey, let's make a book project that we all work on. So, this is the first chapter, written by me only. I will explain more about the universe and the world this is set in later, but first I just want to give ya all my first draft of Chapter 1.
Edit: I added the second part of the chapter. It was originally a chapter 2, but it was more convenient to keep it as one single chapter.
Chapter 1 - Annabella Fenrandidrr
The rain was pouring, creating an overwhelming, yet soft sound. Annabella’s feet splashed in a hurried manner on the stone bricks that covered the ground of the silent town named Kasta. Her long, red hair was soaked in water, and it bounced rythmically along with the pace of her walk. It was dark, and the mist was so thick, she could barely see the other end of the road.
She could not stay in town any more. It was too dangerous. She had stolen two elven daggers from a caravan when a young elf saw her. She tried to get away, but the kid had already noticed that she was a half-elf, crying out to his parents. She rushed to the local inn, grabbed her stuff, and tried to get out of sight until nighttime. An hour before sundown, a huge, dark cloud appeared from the south, and the rain started pouring. It carried with it a thick mist that laid the usually silent town in an even more claustrophobic silence and darkness. A perfect cover to escape in.
A few hundred metres before the gate, she slowed down her pace, pulled over her hood, and started holding onto one of the daggers in case of emergency. When she approached the guards, she gave them a slight nod. One of the guards then cried out a message to another guard, who then opened the gate. The gate exclaimed a creaking sound as it slowly opened. She started walking faster, afraid they would see her face. If they saw that she was a half-elf, they would most likely even kill her on sight. She had two choices; kill the guards, or use her amulet of invisibilty. Killing was usually less dangerous than the amulet, as the amulet would consume her physical body if she wore it too long.
Right before she passed through the gate, a large guard shouted after her, telling her to stop. Her heart missed a beat. She paused, and she could hear her pulse in her ears. The grip on the dagger tightened, and she was ready to do what was necessary to survive. The guard walked closer to her, and she turned around to greet him. He stopped right in front of her.
“Excuse me, ma'am," he said in a calm manner. "Why are you in such a hurry to leave the town?” He looked at her, examining her face. She knew he was onto her, and she could only hope he wouldn’t get agressive.
“I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the time to share life stories,” she said in an arrogant tone. “You see, I am in a hurry.”
“Well then, ma'am. But I wonder why such a woman as yourself is walking alone in the middle of the night. The roads can be dangerous, you know.” The guard didn’t look like he believed her. Annabella knew he was going to ask her to step back into town. She couldn’t risk it. If he said anything threatening, she would attack him.
“I am a woman, not a child. I can defend myself very well, than you for asking.” Her voice was snobbish, and she spoke like she was a noble.
“And what is your weapon. I can’t see any sword or axe. Could it be… Daggers? Two stolen elven daggers?”
She did not even wait a second. With one quick swing, she stabbed his neck. Or, she would have. She felt a tight grip around her hand. The guard had stopped her mid air. She struggled to loosen the grip, but he was too strong.
“I must say,” the guard laughed. “You are good with a dagger.” He tightened his grip until the pain overwhelmed her and she dropped the dagger. “But you are a fool thinking you can defeat the captain of the guard with a dagger.” Annabella spit in the guard’s face, growling menacingly. The guard grunted, released her hand, and returned the favour with his fist. A searing pain went through her face as she dropped down to the ground.
“I rarely hit girls, but you disgust me. I hate your kind. Half human, half elf. An abomination of a creature.” The guard spit on her. “I might just kill you here as you lie, but that would be too good for the likes of you.” The guard unsheathed his sword and held it up.
“Come with me or die!” Annabella knew what she had to do. The amulet around her neck could make her invisible. But she could not keep it active for too long. But she had to take the chance.
The guard’s eyes widened as his opponent suddenly disappeared. He cried for the others, but it was too late. Annabella was already running full speed towards the forest. She counted every second of her sprint, afraid of the deadly powers of her amulet. If she held it active for too long, it would kill her. She needed to hide quickly. After twenty seconds, she deactivated the amulet and jumped behind a tree.
She sat there for a minute, catching her breath and searching for followers. The angry voices of the guards could barely be heard through the intense sound from the ever increasing rain. She had held the amulet active for almost twenty seconds. Ten seconds more, and she would stop existing. It was a scary item.
“I should get going,” she thought to herself, and started walking in the opposite direction of the town. She held a relatively fast pace, keeping herself as small as possible to avoid being seen by any guard patrols. If there were any.
She walked for several hours, following the road leading from the Kasta, heading towards Brima. Her journey lead to the capital of Qvarr, Tirdas. Tirdas was a big haven where everyone was welcome. The whole fjord was filled with boats of all factions; elves, Hokenians, Kandarians, Orcs, Andorians- none were discriminated. Not even half-elves or Dragonians. But first, she had to go through the town of Brima to get off the peninsula. Brima was a relatively small city, but the walls were higher than mountains, and the only way through was the main gate.
She had walked for half all night when she could see the Spire; the tallest building of Brima. The rain had ceased along with the mist, and the sun had started rising from the East. The Spire was a large lighthouse in the middle of the city. It was an incredible creation. On the top, there was a large lantern, and one could see it several kilometres away. She was still half an hour away, and the Spire was already visible through the openings in the treeline.
When she exited the forest, a huge field opened before her. Hundreds of people were walking around outside the city walls. The gate was open, and only two guards were guarding it. There would always be several archers and soldiers on the inside and on top of the wall, and the two guards outside would only decide whether or not you were allowed access. Annabella started walking through the crowd, keeping her hood on. Her clothes were still wet, and her protective leather vest made an annoying squirming sound as she moved.
As she apporached the gates, one of the guards walked towards her and asked:
“Who are you, and what do you want here.” His breath smelled of beer, and some of the words were a little unclear.
“Synthia Drovakhiir, sir. I just want to pass through.” Her voice sounded innocent and childish. The guard looked at her for a few seconds, before he opened his hand in front of her.
“That’ll be twenty silver coins,” he said, still sounding quite drunk.
“But, sir. That would be all of my money. How would I get out on the other side?” She looked like she was about to cry. The guard grunted.
“Uh… Well… We can go with ten silver coins.” He blushed.
“Ah, thank you so much,” Annabella shouted out, before she gave him a hug. She gave him the ten silver coins and rushed inside the gates.
She walked for two minutes straight ahead, before she took a turn and headed towards the marketplace. Inside the alley, she picked up the guard’s wallet up from her pocket. Two gold coins and twelve silver coins. She now had two gold coins and 22 silver coins total. Enough to get whatever she needed to keep going. After all, she had lost one of her daggers.
The marketplace was huge. Several hundred people were rushing through the streets. There were people of all different races; humans, elves, dwarves, half-elves, dragonians and orcs. Market stands of all kinds were scattered all over the place. Everything from weaponsmiths and armories to small food stands and cloth sellers. Annabella thought that the best thing to do was to get herself some new weapons. She walked towards a weapon stand with an elf. He had a sortment of daggers and short swords.
“How can I help you, ma’m,” he said, turning towards her. He wore a white tunic and had a tiara on his head. Most definitely from a royal family.
Annabella traded in her dagger and a gold coin for two elven daggers and a human made short sword. The blade of the daggers were about as long as her arm from the elbows. The blades had a slight bend backwards with a hook on the back side. Extremely deadly weapons. In the light of the sun, they glowed slightly green. The short sword was more basic. It was as long as her arm, was made of dark hokenian steel, and had little to no decoration. But it was balanced, and swinging it was easy; a good sword against slow opponents.
After that, she headed towards one of the textile salesman. There, she bought a backpack for exactly 22 silver coins. She now only had one gold coin left. She decided to hold back on twenty silver in case she had to pay for her leave.
After an hour at the market, she had bought food, water, a belt for her weapons, and a new, smaller cloak she could have under her backpack while travelling, as the fur coat was slightly too thick. She kept her earlier coat in her backpack for later use, along with all her food and water.
With only 66 silver coins left, she had to find somewhere to sleep for the night. After a few minutes of searching, she found an old inn named The Barrel of Gratitude. She thought it seemed cosy and welcoming, and the innkeeper looked nice.
A bell rang as she opened the door, catching the innkeepers attention. He had a warm and friendly smile.The inn in itself looked really nice as well. The reception, where the innkeeper sat, was also a bar. A few tables were scattered around the big room, and they all had four chairs around them. Only two of the tables were occupied. By one of them, there sat two young humans. They both wore a hokenian tabard. The other table was occupied by a man in black. He carried a longsword in his belt. Annabella could not see where he was from. The sword looked human made, but it did not match any of the three factions. She could not see his face completely under the hood, but it seemed like he had a scar that reached all the way over his face.
She sat down by the bar, greeting the innkeeper.
“What is a young lady like you doing alone in such an unpleasant part of the province?” the old man asked. His voice was old and raspy, but he seemed pretty nice. She thought me could be a retired pirate.
“I am travelling to Tirdas,” she responded, keeping a low tone. If someone heard her, they could follow and assault her in the forests surrounding the roads leading to Tridas.“I know how to defend myself,” she continued. The old man looked at her and smiled.
“So you want a room? How long will you be staying?” The old man took a sip from his ale.
“I’ll be staying for the night,” she responded. “And I will have a glass of your finest ale.” The man laughed loudly, before he filled a glass of ale.
“Well, that will be fifteen silver coins. Thirteen for the room, and two for the beer.” She handed him the coins, then she took big mouthful from her glass. She then sat down her glass, and took off her hood, revealing the long, red hair and her slightly pointed ears.
“Half-elf, eh,” the man said, now a little calmer. “Not a lot of you around here. At least not a lot of free half-elves. What brings you to Tirdas.” Annabella looked at him. His big, blue eyes looked right through her. She got a cold look in her face, took a sip from her ale, and looked at the ground.
“Family,” she mumbled. There was a short silence between the two.
“Well, I should get going,” the bartender said, breaking the silence. “Kari, my wife, will be out in a minute to hold the reception. If you have any questions, just ask her. Also, here are the keys for your room. Your room is the third door to the left upstairs.” He handed her the keys and left through the entrance.
Annabella drank the rest of her beer, before she walked to the room she had rent.
It was a small room, with only a tiny bed in the corner of the room, a closet, and a few wax candles. It was darker than the rest of the house, and the walls had a slightly green shimmer.
After unpacking her things, hanging some of her clothes up to dry and eating some of her food, she laid down in her bed to sleep.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Okay, Bobby! Celty here!
It was a good concept. From the top: I like her name: Annabella Fenrandidrr. The first name is pretty fantasy-ish, which fits the story, and Fenrandidrr reminds me of Fenrir the wolf. (Was that on purpose, or is it just me?) A half-elf is usually a rare character to find in such stories as well: usually it's a human, or an elf, or a dwarf (in parodies, mostly, of course). Grammar and spelling are also pretty decent.
However, beyond that, I think you could've done a lot better with the story itself.
For starters, I don't like the opening line.
An opening line should be crisp and interesting; all this line tells us is that it's a rainy day. A good line has something to do with the story itself that will get us hooked at the end of it all. Make notes here. It would've been interesting had you started with the action.
Annabella stole two knives from a caravan. It wouldn't have been so bad, except for the fact that a young elf saw her as she made off with the priceless silver artifacts.
Or something like that. Hook it, boyo!
On to the rest of the story.
There's some info dump that we don't need.
The description here is more tell than show. I suggest you cut it and weave the threads of this paragraph into the story more actively, because paragraphs like this tend to bore readers, and fast. Instead of saying how welcoming Tirdas is as a city, show us; show us the abrupt change in expressions as Annabella walks into town (the grim outsiders, the merry folk within), have them give her a random clap on the back--anything, just to show that she's welcome there. I'm not getting any further into it, but less info-dump and more showing!
On to the next: your sentences need more varied length. It feels like you mostly stuck to short sentences, and when a sentence got longer, you offset it with commas, a lot of commas. Less commas, more varied sentence length. Short, medium, short, long, medium, short, medium, long.
Pacing. There were a few fight scenes in there, but the story itself felt slow since it was so long without much happening. Don't get me wrong, I love big stories, but I think you could have culled a lot of the description and still be left with a decent story. So, my opinion is that you have to cut the description a little and make Annabella stand out more in the story itself...
...and of course, the final part of this critique deals with Annabella. From what we see here so far, Annabella's pretty feisty, a fighting type of girl...but what are her motivations? What makes her tick? You need to get deep into her mind, boyo, or she'll just be a cool character who'll get boring later on. You mentioned that she has 'family', but that motivation was also revealed rather late in the story, like you wanted it to be the answer to some question that was never asked earlier on. The plot has to make the reader ask questions, and so far, I don't really find myself curious as to why she's doing the things she is. Fix that, and you'll be halfway towards getting my seal of approval.
Sorry for this xD (Well, you told me to tear it apart! xD) Anyway, revise this some and I'll come back to review it again if you want me to
Yours ever faithfully,
Celtyface.
Hello, love!
I like the second part of the first chapter.
Alright. Technicalities first.
She thought me could be a retired pirate.
She thought he could be a retired pirate.
That's all.
Now, plot.
I don't see guards- especially drunken, common, crude, city guards as susceptible to a young/sweet face... it seems politically incorrect. At least make him not drunk or throw in a comment about a dead sister who looks like Annabella to make it more believable.
Other that that, the plot was fine.
You made me do too much math in my head!
I don't know how, but I'd suggest mentioning along the way that a gold coin is worth...100 silver? That entire part confused me. I realize that this is only a first draft, so I'm sure you'll get to fixing things as you edit later on.
Your pacing was good and I don't have any other criticism!
I hope this helped,
Keep persisting,
Evilly,
Aurora
I absolutely love her name! Annabella Fenrandidrr! And her first name and last name sound beautiful together, too.
)
Okay, so your vocabulary is wonderful and I didn't catch any bad grammar/spelling/punctuation marks that bothered me.
It is a nice, long, chapter with paragraphs of details, unlike some stories on here, which one chapter is literally just a paragraph.
There were very few spelling/grammar/punctuation errors, but those can be fixed very easily by a quick edit through.
I like the plot idea. It is unique and original! And I love that Annabella is half-elf, half-human. You have a fairly good description of her, and introduced her into the story perfectly!
This story is really amazing—I'm not joking about it. There's really not much to say because you've done everything so fine. I don't have any critisism... Nope...
But this is the first story I've liked on here, so keep it up! <3
~ WillowPaw1
(Hope it helped, even though all I said was good stuff
Wow that turned out to be a very bad review :O Sorry about that. :/
Thanks for the kind words. And honestly, although I really love harsh reviews, kind words always get my mood going :3
As always, grammar and punctuation is 90% of the time just typos that you overlook, but when someone tell you they are there, it's easier to notice them. Everything helps
-Insane Bobby
Yeah, I know what you mean. Okay, no problem. Glad I could help!
This story is so amazing! I cant wait till you make a new chapter! Keep up the good work! Annabella... Just lovely
Yeah, I love that name. I might have written Annabelle a few times. Also, thanks for the kind words. I am still thinking about how to write the next one, so it might be a while.
-Insane Bobby
Hello, love!
I love this story and will most definitely follow it! Annabella... I love her name!
The story developed very nicely, and I love the strongness of Annabella. She seemed a little too worried about the amulet- she's obviously used it before, why is she that scared? Her pickpocketing was fun to see and coaxed a laugh out of me!
I also didn't understand when she lostone of her daggers. Also, how did she activate the amulet? Or deactivate it, for that purpose! Clear these minor issues up and you'll be fantastic.
Evilly,
Aurora
As always, it is an early draft, and I do not expect anything to be perfect. But it is always nice to get positive response. I have added another part of the chapter if you didn't already notice.
-Insane Bobby
Okay, here as requested
I really hope that you find this helpful ^^ I'll just do a general overview and try not to ramble.
It's a small example, but it can stand out in those critical reader's minds. This is also just me being picky, if the rain was pouring then of course it was going down, hopefully anyways XD Just try and look out for more obvious examples, this is a more subtle one, but watch out.Requested
Pacing: As far as I can see, you've set a very nice pace for yourself and tend to keep it that way. It's hard to do that, but there is something else you need to fix that ties hand in hand with pace. Flow. Your flow needs quite a bit of work, it's choppy and strained at times. How to fix it? Well really you need to learn for yourself, but reading aloud certainly helps, sadly it doesn't fix it. The more you write the more surely you will get your flow down, but I would focus on that pretty heavily instead of the pacing. You've got pacing in the bag.
Writing: It would seem that this part needs the most improvement, I guess also the organization of your writing. The way things are introduced and the actions that happen all seem so erratic. I can keep up, and I'm sure most can, the question is if they'll want to. Things just seem to pop up just when it's convenient, like that necklace. No one knew it was there before, what you need to do is introduce it sooner so it doesn't seem like an in the moment idea. Also, mention that she's part elf before, or something with her appearance that will hint the reader in on it. Otherwise it just seems like the author has too much power, books are supposed to be between the author and the reader, let them have some power to guess what's going to happen.
Plot Development: This needs just a bit of work. So far, despite this being the very beginning, I have no idea what's happening and why any of it's happening. You introduce things randomly by manipulating characters through dialogue, but when you do that it makes the dialogue sound strained. It just doesn't work that way. You also need to introduce your character (directly or indirectly) and where she is and what she's doing. Here I see what, but I'm utterly confused as to why. I would read back and pick it apart yourself, you'll find more things than I can as long as you read it like you have no idea who this person is.
Descriptions: Your overall descriptions seem pretty good, you put what's needed and leave out what you don't really need, but I would work on making them more vivd to the reader. You have to find out how a reader's mind works first though. Don't put so much that you're rewriting Wuthering Heights, but don't put so little that you don't even know if the MC is a boy or girl. I want you to elaborate on what's happening, try spreading from vision to smell and taste and sound and all the five senses. Only when you can describe them all and entrap the reader in your world will you know you've mastered description, however, where you are right now is fine. Just strengthen it.
Side Notes
Redundancy: I noticed that you did this quite a bit, lengthening your sentences, but also taking up your reader's time. It's like when you try writing an essay that's supposed to be long, but you don't really have enough to write, so you insert all those filler words. Try to be brief, but not so much so that you become minimalistic. Just say what's needed and leave out what's not. Here's an example of redundancy that you had.
Commas: You have so many commas trying to make your sentences seem shorter, but they just don't work. If anything they mutilate your flow and make sentences difficult to process. Here's an example.
I can see why you had the first comma there for flow's sake, but the second one just doesn't work. "As" is not a conjunction, and the flow is weird here too, so there really is no reason that the second comma should exist. Personally, I don't even think "as" fits in the sentence, but the final decision is up to you. To help decide where commas should go, try reading the sentence out loud and deciding if it sounds awkward or not. It normally helps.
Actions: Some of the actions, including dialogue, that the characters did seemed highly unlikely, even in a fantasy world. I fell into this trap so many times! You just need to take some quality time and get to know your characters. I don't mean sit on the couch and talk to yourself while others think you're losing it, but just start thinking, what would so and so do? My current MC, well I'm starting to think of her as a real person. You first need to develop them to yourself until they gain their own personality in your mind that they seem to act almost on their own. That will make forming dialogue and actions so much simpler. Just let it out, what would they do???
Overall: This was fairly decent work. Despite my negativeness, this was quite good! You just need to go back and do some serious editing, which is fine, this is only your first draft after all. Just go back and do some ripping, pasting, cutting, whatever's needed. Also, get to know all of your characters. If you want to know how I got to know mine then feel free to chat me or PM me and I'll tell you how I got to know mine XD Of course, you might start talking to yourself, but that's okay ^^ Keep writing! I look forward to seeing what you do next with the plot! It seems pretty good so far!
Sushi
I just wrote a huge, good reply, explaining all my thoughts about the review... It was somehow deleted...
So, Imma cut to the chase. It was a lovely review. I didn't learn so much new, but I refreshed a lot of my earlier knowledge, and some things were great to see from someone elses PoV (like the commas). Being a non-native speaker some times screw things up a little bit.
Anyways, thank you sooooo soooo much. It was, by far, the best review I ever got.
-InsaneBobby
I hate when that happens! O_O I did that once and it just wasn't working DX I'm glad I was able to help you refresh on your knowledge :p I had no idea you were a non native speaker, considering that fact you actually did pretty well O_O (I'm impressed actually) I'm glad you liked it
Sorry it was so harsh, sadly I'm a harsh person DX
I love the harsh critics. Those who don't say what they think and believe have no right to say anything in my opinion. Also, I just did a slight edit. Pretty tired, but I fixed a few sentences, changed some info, and got the facts out a little better. Also changed the dialogue and got a litte more show instead of tell.
Will do more later.
Thanks for your help.
Also, I am from Norway. The more you know.
-Insane Bobby
Hey! IamTruant here!
Wow. The atmosphere you put into your story was brilliant.
Especially when you put: "was dark, and the mist was so thick, she could barely see the other end of the road" and "And hour before sundown, a huge, dark cloud appeared from the south, and the rain started pouring. It carried with it a thick mist that laid the usually silent town in an even more claustrophobic silence and darkness" on that note, you need to put "An hour".
"She could not stay in town any more." would sound more accurate if you put: "She no longer could stay in town" or "she couldn't stay in town any longer."
"Excuse me(,) miss" - needs a comma.
"How would (I) get out on the other side?” - capital letter needed.
I love the ending of this chapter. Maybe it would be more affective if you put: "After all... She had lost one of her daggers."
Keep on writing! Your doing great!
How could I write "and hour"... I am completely confused right now xD
Pretty much all of those things are just imperfections, things I didn't see when I read through.
Thanks anyway, and I really like that you like it
In reply, remember: "You're doing great" not "Your doing great". Sorry, grammar nazi tendencies
Thanks for the review though.
-Insane Bobby
Thanks
I always forget to put my "You're"'s in the right place! And please read my story "Truant", that would be extremely helpful! I need all the comments and criticisms I can get!
I'll see what I can get through
-Insane Bobby