Fred

"come all the way from the bottom of the spine. "
my*

This is unfinished.. It should defiantly be longer, it seems like a prologue..

"walked away in my own exile..."

I believe this is a double negative.. not sure. Anyways good luck I hope you write the whole thing or more!

Bobby, my friend.

What a belligerent story. I am not much for stories like this; bloody scenes, I mean. But I wouldn't be here doing this review if your writing wasn't so catchy and neat. You've done a great job!

BUT!... There's a little big problem with punctuation when it comes to the dialogue. You can have the period (.), or comma (,) inside or outside of the quotation marks, I have heard it's okay both ways. Although, I would like to tell you in most books it is inside, just in case you want to know and change it. Hahah. Just suggestions.

But now, the real problem about the dialogue is...

In this part: ("Fred, you say", he coughed.) That comma after the last quotation mark should be a period. You should put a comma instead when you say things like: "he said, he screamed out, he whispered," and stuff like that... what I mean is that you shouldn't place a comma if what is next has nothing to do with the dialogue, like an action: "he gasped, he turned around, he nudged" and so on.

I think that's all I've got to say. XD I hope it made sense. Hahah.

Lovely job,
Solly<3

That is so amazing! I love how it's so short and concise. And it seems mysterious even though you explained things clearly. As Noelle said, I thought it wouldn't be much because of the length. But it left me wanting to read more! Amazing. Keep writing

Sincerely,
The World

Hi there!

From reading the previous comments, I've assumed that you've edited this a couple times. So I'll tell you it looks great. I took the suggestions well and incorporated them into your story and made it better.

I really like this. The simplicity is what gets to me. I wasn't expecting much because it's so short, but you wrote it brilliantly! There's a good balance of information your giving the reader and stuff your leaving out.

There's one part I thought you could possibly reword: "I stroked the handle of the sword, before I took it and turned it around." This is good, but I think you could make it sound better. You could say "I stroked the handle of the sword and smirked down at him. Then I jerked my hand, turning the sword." Just a suggestion. I don't know, if I were writing this, that's where I'd make the story the most intense. It's the breaking point of Fred so I think it should be big.

Another point I wanted to bring up, this is one big paragraph all scrunched together. I think it might be better if you broke it up. You know, start a new line each time someone talks. Not to mention, if you make some sentences take up a whole line it makes them stand out. For example, if you write the last sentence on a single line, it draws the reader's attention to it. It adds more feeling.

Although I am now contemplating deleting this last part I wrote. I think this works with the paragraph, but I think it'll work better broken up. I don't know. Look, now I'm rambling. *sigh* Maybe you could write this out both ways and compare. You know, see which way works better.

Overall this is a great piece for your first post. I remember my first post here. It was horrible. But yours is great. I'm excited to read more from you!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hey there!

Glad to see you posting things so early. o: But anyway, on to the review. I do agree with CStar on the use of Fred's name. I do think that some things were a bit redundant. "I looked at his face. There was anger written all over his face. Just like mine." I think that if you changed either the first sentence to "I looked at him." or the second sentence to "There was anger written all over it." Either way, I think you should remove one of the faces. The only other thing I noticed was I think "dragged" sounds a bit awkward and out-of-place in the context it's used. It sounds like the sword was in there pretty deep, so I think maybe using "yanked", "pulled", ect. would make the sentence flow better. I absolutely adore the last sentence. Overall, nicely done.

~Epic

First off, I love the repetition of Fred's name at the beginning. It gives you the information that tells you that this about Fred's death. I also love the graphic detail you used to describe the guy that was bleeding. It gave a fantastic albeit bloody picture

Woah. That was like a punch in the face good! I'm sure "thos" wasn't purposly written, but I definetly enjoyed the semi-mild+ gore and characters. Through the short time I read your story, a movie was made in my head. Quite a picture, I must say!