The Orbit
I woke up with my eyes half closed, peering at the sunlight streaming through my window. I listened to the morning chirping of the goldfinches as the word “Mercury” wheeled in my head. I had no idea where it came from. No idea how it had become my name. However, I can relate to Mercury, planet wise. The planet’s nights are very cold, having scorching days. I can, at different times, get super angry, or extremely upset. Mercury is a small planet, showing off my ever-so-thin body shape. It also has no moons at all. The moons can represent friends- I have almost none. Nobody to circle around me, and keep me company. Mercury is also impossible to live on. Maybe that’s why everybody tends to avoid me. Maybe that’s why it’s my name. But what do names even mean? Does your fate start unwrapping after you have been named? Mercury’s eyes soon went blank and he once again fell into a deep slumber.
Chapter 1
He listened to the white noise of the rain, striking his window. Mercury still had to get the mail, though. He pulled on his raincoat, and stepped out to the streaming droplets of water. In the wet mailbox, he noticed the letters, “To Mercury Tibro” written on one of the letters. He tried to keep the fancy, blue-laced envelope dry, but it was quite a challenge, with the mailbox still emptying letters at him, like clothes in an uncleaned closet. Mercury partially tucked the letter under his coat, as the piece of plastic acted as a veil. He neatly opened the letter after he closed the mailbox. He squinted at a long note that unfolded into one page that read;
Dear Mercury Tibro, you have been specially picked for a free trip to Paris, the well known city and capital of France. You, Miss Venus Galectco, Mr. Humphrey Cleevinus, and Miss Aquilia Aroz, have certainly earned this spot in a chance of a lifetime. The flight leaves at 9:00 pm TOMORROW. You will be in Paris from December 20th to January 16th. Once again, the tickets are free, and this a once in a lifetime chance, so don’t miss out!
We bid you goodnight, and a happy, jolly 6:44 pm.!
Mercury’s jaw dropped. How did they know what time it was? Who were the senders of this ridiculously accurate note?
The boy stupidly talked to himself-
“Paris?!? What the- This is Florida!”
And it was true. Mercury lived in Florida.
“But what about the airport?” The boy thought about this sarcastically and annoyed, when suddenly, just as magic, small words appeared on the bottom part of the letter. "Just stay in your yard-we’ll be there."
Now Mercury was getting a bit shaken. He swiftly ran up his yard, opened the door, closed it, and firmly turned the lock. He still held the letter in his left hand, for a spark of curiosity subtly danced and dazzled somewhere beneath him.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Greetings Bluecat! (Love the username and avatar by the way) Holographic Ladybug ere for a review!
I'm really eager to hear what happens next, which is awesome on your part because you've written something really good!
This is really good and really interesting. You've made up a really cool and realistic character that should make for something great.
Now, enough with the introduction; let's get on with the review!
~The Nit-Picks and Other Bits~
The later seems a bit awkward. You should probably change it to something a bit like this:
'The planet’s nights are very cold and the days were scorching.'
Of course, if that's a bit too plain for you, I would recommend playing around with it to see what works.
The same as above. I do believe it's because of the (-). If you wish to change something, here is what you could possibly do:
'The moons can represent friends; I have almost none.'
'The moons can represent friends; for I have few.'
Of course, it's up to you whether or not to change it.
You're suddenly going into third person, which can possibly get confusing, so I recommend changing 'Mercury' to 'my'.
('My eyes soon went blank and I once again fell into a deep slumber.')
He neatly opened the letter after he closed the mailbox. He squinted at a long note that You've misused the semicolon( ; ). It should be replaced with a colon ( : ).
Since this is a letter, for reason unbeknownst to me, the traditional way of doing is to put it in italics (probably so the reader can separate the letter from the text). I would recommend doing this.
Also, the 'Dear Mercury Tibro,' part should be on a paragraph alone.
Spoiler
I don't really think that you need to have the second part. It's a bit repetitive, you see.
However, if you want to keep it like that, you should separate the last two sentences by semicolon.
(Like this:
'And it was true; Mercury lived in Florida.')
~The Awesome Bits!~
As I mentioned at the start of my review, this is amazing. It feels as if you've developed him so well; I can definitely see it at the beginning.
I love how Mercury compares the planet to himself. This part also gives your piece a great voice as well, which is a huge quality of most of my favorited books. Thus, I love your chapter even more. ^^
I am definitely trapped in your story even more. After all, why does your character know what his name is? I feel like this could wrap around to the letter, which adds to my captivation of your story. I wonder what other things such as this you'll include in your story....
One: freaky!
Two: Shows even more about your story and some sort of mystery behind this, in which I am so, so, so excited to hear more. I really love your story so far, so this makes the whole wondrous aspect even greater. I really hope you don't drop the mysterious parts, because they are so intriguing!
I completely get this. So many times I have seen characters just sit and wait, barely even reacting to even what could be the slightest creepy parts at all. Realism, though not really my favorited areas while I write (but still a necessary
Really, really awesome job with this/1 I love this so much and if you chose to write more, please notify me because I am definitely blown away. My only suggestion for future writings of this is to keep up the mystery and intrigue because that will really bring your story to life.
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
This is very helpful! Thank you for your long review. I will definitely add on to this because of your suggestions.
Hello bluecat,
Even tought a bit small I do find your begining intriguing as I get vibes from Harry Potter and of course I am a huge fan.
Now to the story itself, I like the introduction where you mix the name with the planet, it's different and I actually get a picture of the planet as a person so congratulations on that. As I said the first chapter is a bit too small and I don't know if you have intention of adding more to it later on but, having said that, and even if the use of a letter is not exactly an original way, still it engages the reader's curiosity to want to now what happens next and who sent the letter.
On another and more on the grammar level, you should use either italic on the text from the letter or write it bold. If not it's as if it belongs to the narrative and as if it's just another paragraph.
All in all, I liked it and hope to see more.
Thank you so much for your review! This was very helpful and I will take your advice.
I had wrote this a while ago, so I decided to take it from Google Docs and paste it here. I made a few edits, but wanted to see what others thought before making any big changes. Also, the strange looking names in the third paragraph are just the names of the kids Mercury will meet later on.