Published April 16, 2010
Today is a sad song played on a new violin;
Mismatched and Ill fitted,
Singing of sorrows it cannot compute.
A waltz, danced with a forbidden eagerness,
forever restrained from revealing the life within.
And a confused dog,
Doing its masters bidding of sins
And misdemeanors.
A crimson mist of guilt,
And a day to be slowly marched through,
Like a funeral;
Sitting pretty in black,
with mournful umbrellas,
Wishing you weren't there.
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140,695 Literary Works • 673,631 Reviews
This is a very touching poem I must say. I think it's short, and even though most think because of a poems length it cannot get a message across (At least I think people believe this) your poem is very good.
Today is a sad song played on a new violin;
This is just grammar I picked up on. Sorry if it's supposed to actually be that way, but I just got out of a poetry unit in school, and my teacher seemed darn sure about grammar when in comes to poetry.
Spoiler
mismatched and ill fitted.
Singing of sorrows it cannot compute.
A waltz, danced with a forbidden eagerness,
forever restrained from revealing the life within.
And a confused dog,
doing its masters bidding of sins
and misdemeanors.A crimson mist of guilt,
and a day to be slowly marched through,
Like a funeral;Sitting pretty in black,
with mournful umbrellas.
Wishing you weren't there.
I think the grammar was standard, though I believe the content of your poem was gold. Great work on this peice, and I hope to read another.
"Ill" doesn't need to be capitalized.
'masters' needs an apostrophe.
And reading the whole poem confused me; it's like your lines jump all over the place from one topic to another. I don't really get what you're talking about. Maybe you could be more descriptive?
I like this but I think it needs to be improved. ;]
This is a very beautiful poem. However, the lines are all over the place. Try your best, when writing, to look at these things; line size, flow, etc... It was good, even with that one thing. I really like your style and the language tyo use.
Great job.
~Biffle