Published March 28, 2010
I die awake and you die asleep
As you grow tall I will fall in a rest
It can't be broken and you have my token
As the world gets taller
I get smaller
When the world comes to an end
I will die and you will cry in tears
As you fear of bad things
It may soon come to an end
And that will soon attend
As I die you will see me in a great sleep
As I die and you die the world can never survie
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
You did a great job with your poem. But the are some things you should consider.
Firstly there were words that were unecessary and the lines didn't fit. And this is all because of the second reason you wanted to make rythm but in the way the poem lose its meaning left was the rythmic patterns if you are able to create a reasonable poem with nice rythm then you would be a great writer. keep up the good work
Good job. But try to make things together and not just so...'random.' I think that's how you could say it. Try to make the lines stay with the subject. And try not to have such a struggle with rhymes! I have problems with that too. So, you're not the only one out there! You can make poems that don't rhyme! It's kind of hard to do that too. But it's worth it!
Like I said, nice poem. But you could use some work. For a beginner it's pretty good too! ^_^
Thanks! <3