Published October 23, 2010
Hello! I've recently decided that I want to write better poetry, so I'm posting one of my works on here to receive some help from y'all lovelies. I really didn't know how to go about with this...especially with the line breaks and the number of syllables per line and myriad of other things that amateur poets like me don't know. So criticisms of any kind are welcome. 
Thank you!
---
This world—
temporal.
Everything that fancies itself lasting
will think it no sooner than it’ll fade.
Everything moves, changes,
breathes the air of a world that
constantly rearranges itself.
It scares me sometimes.
It frightens me when people
speak along the lines of forever
as though they knew what that meant.
There is a danger
more lethal than the perfect lie
in getting entangled in
a man-conceived eternity.But I think all this is kind of funny.
How I ruminate on thoughts
that are obviously still too massive
for a mind of 18 years and
a heart much younger still
when all I really want to say
(breathe in, out)
is I don’t want to lose you.
I am caught in the middle of this,
and you know you are too.
We are all desperate to hang on
to that which the powers divine
might ultimately withhold from us.
We all hope that the everlasting
could but brush against the surface
of our lives, where all pain is caused
by things that are made to die.
Hmm. Thoughts? :/ I've become more uncertain of this poem now. o_O I think I still managed to say what I wanted to, albeit in a way that doesn't destroy the poem's feel.
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Hey guys
I took your comments into account and rewrote the last two stanzas. Hope it turned out better. o_O
It’s very nice indeed. Although, I collide with the other’s reviewer’s opinions: the last part was somewhat adventitious. Precise use of words.
Thank you so much everyone.
You're right, the last stanza kind of took away the heavy, pensive feel that should have come with this poem. Will be reworking it. Thank you 
.
Your poetry insecurities aren't well founded.
Really nice piece- I love the emotion and absolute humanity behind your words- though I have to agree: the last line kind of killed it for me. I like it in one sense, thought the poem was really good and was a nice build up to that last line. But in another sense, I felt like that last line killed the rest of the poem. Where you put your emphasis really depends on what exactly you want to convey, but the beginning and middle were so excellent that I didn't want it to change.
Overall, what I'm trying to say is that this is very good. What direction you take the poem in is obviously your decision; I'm just offering my opinion.
Great job though. Looking forward to reading more from you. c:
-Coral-
Hi,
First I want to let you know that I think its a great idea to write poetry, its just a way to get your feelings out, and the fact that you want to improve. That is just great.
First: I loved your poem it spoke to me in a way of that everything in this world is temporary and it changes.
Second: although I am not a big fan of free verse poetry, I thought that this poem was pretty good.
The one piece of advice I should give you though is in free verse poetry, well in any type of poetry, you should make sure it all flows together. Like what Funkymomo said the last stanza didn't really make sense towards the poem, so I would rethink and rewrite that part.
Overall though, I thought it was a good poem with a lot of thought!
XOXO
colie18
I agree. I like the tackling of this subject and your approach to this--how you can find the funny side of things and also the way that it's just plain frightening. The ending did seem out of place, I can see how it kind of connects but I still think it ruins the overall effect of the poem. My favorite lines were 10 through 11. Keep up the good writing!
I liked it- mostly. I feel you ruined it in the last line. You change the poem from questioning life and thinking about the world to love. I doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem either. Other than that, I loved the poem. I was deep and used big words, which make every paradoxical moment better.