Young Writers Society

This is a touching, emotional story that does adequate to capture the feelings of a young cancer patient. The word choice is strong and shows that you're a powerful writer. To run through it really quickly:

I’m dying, Sam. I’m actually dying, and it isn’t like in the movies. There’s no last words that get cut off that are the key to life as we know it. It isn’t a fast, sudden thing. I am just drifting into oblivion, hoping there is an afterlife to catch me when I get to the bottom of the rift of what we call death.

I’m tired of staying alive just so I can live in fear of imminent death! If I’m going to die, fine! But this cancer stuff better get going and kill me, because I’m tired of sickness. I’m tired of chemo and recovery and having no hair and throwing up every time I eat and… Sam? Will you fix me? Because I’m tired of being broken.

Hi there BlueDaisy and welcome to little ol' YWS!

I like the brevity of the story you have portrayed here. As the others have said, it seems like you are trying to create a sense of time and cancer using your sentences.

So, some critique - I think you captured the urgency of a gliblastoma patient pretty well. however, I think you need to make it more realistic, research into the symptoms of glioblastoma and have those acutely affect the way your MC thinks. Especially in your third para, I think it would help strengthen your story if you added some more poignant details.

Another thing is, I couldn't understand the story line of the narrator's diagnosis and relationship with Sam and the story narrative. In the sense, typically there's diagnosis and a certain median years of survival, so at some points it seems like the narrator is describing events close to point of diagnosis whereas at others it seems like she's been on cancer care course for a while.
Cheers!

Hey there, I was browsing through the Green Room and spotted this, so I thought I'd drop by and review.

This is a pretty simple and short story, but in a way its brevity is its greatest advantage. The story doesn't take readers by the hand and guide them in slowly - it drags them in with its first sentence, and then it continues to hammer in more and more points. Cancer itself is a thing which strikes all of a sudden, so I found this very apt.

I believe the greatest strength of this story (and perhaps your greatest strength as a writer) lies in its pacing and tone. Not only do the points follow a logical flow (and cover most of the bases in terms of what cancer patients fret about), it does it in a way that is relentless. In the story very few literary techniques are used, and on initial read it seems to be written in a most pedestrian style of English, but it is my opinion that this easy-to-process style of writing was used in a most deliberate manner, allowing the narrator to connect with the audience and do so incredibly quickly.

I think what is remarkable about the characterisation of the narrator in this story is that she (or he?) is largely a dynamic character. Here and there you see contradictions in her thought process - at one point she cherishes life and at the same time criticises it as a world of falsities and lies; at another point she says she doesn't want to die, only to accept her death and beckon for it later. Whether these contradictions were intentional or not, they have added to the chaotic atmosphere of the story, mirroring well the sort of emotional torment cancer patients experience.

I was going to say that you could have afforded to break the story up into paragraphs to make it more easily accessible to readers, but I think I'll retract that, because the condensing of the story into a single chunk added to the chaotic tone you were going for. Just bear in mind for other writings that big chunks of text scare away readers!

Regarding points for improvement, I don't really have much to say, but I'd like to suggest that you explore the use of other punctuation marks to further enhance your writing. I can see you're establishing a rather spoken tone in this story, and that you've substantiate it with things like ellipses (...), but there are many more opportunities to add in more. Consider using em dashes (-) and semicolons (;) to break up longer sentences and in place of some commas, among other uses, and consider using italics to further emphasise the points of some sentences for added tension and dramatic effect.

All in all, I thought this was a great piece of writing. I'm keen to see what you have to offer next! Keep up the good work~

My, this is a vivid story. Well done, BlueDaisy2018! I love the emotions that you spread throughout this exceptional story. They are powerful, and they leave a large, noticeable impression in the reader's mind. Better yet, they are also wonderfully communicated. I can see and feel the despair of the narrator, who is suffering from this wretched cancer without a single way to escape, having to go through all these treatments while knowing that she is going to die eventually, but they will continue to make her miserable for the purpose of science. I can even imagine the pain that she feels, not just only from the medicine and the cancer treatment, but the fact that she isn't with the person that she loves. They are apart, and, for her, that stings worse than the presence of death itself. In all, this story is vivid, powerful, and your details do a wonderful job of conveying the wide variety of emotions in this story, even if the entire story was only communicated within the space of a single paragraph. Therefore, I must commend you for your details and emotions.

Furthermore, there were a few parts of this story that I liked the most. For instance, I liked it when the narrator talks about the way that death is different from the movies. She made it clear that it isn't sudden, it isn't quick at all; it's slow, drifting into death's awaiting arms, hoping beyond hope that there might be something on the other side. I especially liked the way that she explained that she didn't want to kill her own misconceptions of living, that she didn't want to leave a world of 'false happiness' and 'hope in shallow ponds'; that was particularly powerful, and left a large imprint in my mind. It was intense, it was unique, and it surprised me immensely. It made me think about our place in the world, the world around me, and the sorrow of imminent death. Beyond that, I also liked the way that she describes how she's not happy staying alive, not happy being faced with the sickness, and how she's going to die either way. That was vivid, and it communicated a powerful point. The narrator is faced with this deadly situation. She is going to die, no matter what. The only thing that makes a difference is whether or not she wants to die slowly and painfully, fearful of death and faced with treatments that are, at the most, slowing the inevitable, or die sooner, knowing it will come to her eventually. This point was beautifully conveyed in the course of the story, and was certainly among the highlights of this work. As such, I must also praise the beautiful way that your story is presented, and the ideas that you display to the reader.

In conclusion, this story is beautiful. Your emotions are intense and powerful, as are your descriptions, and there were many parts of this story that I loved immensely. It was enjoyable to read from start to finish, and I found this to be an amazing story. I would like to suggest that you should perhaps break up the story, as it was hard to read, being one whole paragraph and all. Maybe you could break it up at different points, like when the narrator is switching from one idea to the next, or perhaps break it at points that you feel could provide the most emphasis. That way, the story could be a little easier to read, and it would also display more clearly and powerfully the points of the narrator, and the way that she is suffering. Nonetheless, I like this story for the beauty that it is, and I'm impressed with your abilities as a writer. Well done!