Young Writers Society

Hey BA,

I'm really happy to see you're home again. Welcome back.

I think this is a really descriptive poem and I can visualize what you're talking about with the family, the home, the country. I really love that about this poem. You did a great job showing us the sounds, the smells, the sensations of this location and that brings it to life. It does more than just describe it, it brings in all of your senses and allows you to feel it. Your descriptions like "lonesome whistles" and "beerey smell of my dad" are what really stand out for this poem.

I feel like you might be able to trim some of the poem out? If you tried to condense it, you might get a better result from the meandering poem and make it more of a direct route if you want to. You don't need to. I think the poem has a lot of value just as it is. You've created a good direction with it, and the images are clear to me. I like that you use all of your scenes to make details not only about the characters in the scene, but the speaker. You don't leave the speaker out, but tell us things like they probably speak Italian, and that they're by a train station, they like horses, they live or lived with horses close. They write, a lot. All of these details make the poem come alive, and if you make sure that all of them are necessary, then we'll have the best piece we can have. Right now, I think it might be there.

Hello!

I probably didn't get this to you in time, but here I am.

I loved this poem. It was a beautiful read. You have delicious memories.

Let's just go over a few things that bothered me.

FIRST THING: UNION STATION.
There are like a billion union stations in the world. I liked to think that you were talking about /my/ union station in Chicago, but who knows! Without a definite idea of the place, I don't really know where to picture this. Chicago Union Station is a lot different than the Los Angeles/San Diego/New Haven/Denver/ wherever station. Relevant: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Union_Station

At first, the transitions were confusing. From the train station to the machine shop... well I thought that your grandfather had an office /in/ the train station. Also, if you're trying to cut down on the size of this, you might consider removing a few of the (while very beautiful) unneeded details of that stanza. There's a lot of objects there.

But I see what you were trying to do with the transitions: take one detail from the previous part and insert it into this new part. That was very effective, but at the beginning, I couldn't distinguish it.

There were some parts of this that weren't as memorable as they could've been. For example, the thing with the barn and the horses? I kind of blasted through that saying "yeah, yeah, whatever." Honestly, I think I would have ended this poem right after "she only likes jelly." That's only because, yes, it is long, but also because I don't know how important these other details are to you. Obviously, some (or all) of these things really really shaped who you are. I think you should find the most important..

As it is though, I like it. I just felt like I lost focus after the jelly part. I wasn't sure where we were any more, because we kept switching states and weather and people and situations without much intro into those. Which, perhaps is how you felt. I don't know.

That's mostly what I have for this, because I don't want to go too deeply into this-- it reflects your life, and who am I to say "this isn't important."

Hope this helped! Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis

Timmy here

So just to let you know, I have no idea what I will say in this review. At a first glance, this piece is perfect. I love your message, and the story throughout. You say it is personal, and by the words you tell us in here, I am assuming it is something that happened/happens in your life. So you're saying it's a "Where I am from" poem? Good, because that is totally the image I get from this. Even without you giving me that sosubtle hint as to what and who this poem is about, I could see that it was about someone's past. Kind of "the way things used to be like for me", and "where I came from". So I think you really succeeded there.

The only thing I can do is read through again, and see if I pick up on anything as I read. Reaaady?

So now that I have read it all the way through a few times, I admit I was confused. >.< The first time it took me a moment to see what this was really about. It starts with an unknown description of a train station (or whatever station that is), but I don't really feel connected to that stanza as a piece of who you are. It's more like you're describing an image I need to see in my mind for a book, but in a disconnected way without much emotion put into the words. I think you need to put more of "where I am from" rather than "what this looks like". Or, wait. I just read through it again, and see the possible significance of Italian. Now this is a guess, I suppose, because the piece doesn't say exactly, but is this saying the character was an immigrant from Italy? If so, then that would make complete sense. But the confusion is still there, and it still took me a while to understand - and that is assuming I finally understood the message of the line correctly. I believe you need to take each individual stanza (since they seem to be separated in many ways), and ask yourself, "what am I telling the reader here?" and tweak your wording and remove needless description, also adding more on the actual characters than merely focusing on the setting.

I would say the same for the second stanza.

and announces:

she only likes jelly.

Snow swirls outside while

Snow swirling out the windows

Not sure if this review is still helpful or if you've had your class yet. But I believe I've written a "where I'm from" poem before so will try to help. I like your interesting double indentations - a clever way of sorting into semi-stanzas.

Although I adore your imagery I wonder if in a few points you go too far. (Don't give the reader enough to just work up with their imagination). I know it's hard to write something that is supposed to be personal but at the same time give the reader room to put themselves in the poem.

I think in your first "stanza" with the train station you don't need the lines:
"storefronts and kiosks,

garbled announcements about trains

pulling in, trains

ready to board."
I like the part about "trains pulling in, trains ready to board" though because trains are good metaphors and I think those to lines make it seem like your life is going through change or you are faced with choices.

The next bit about your sisters is a bit wordy too, but I think the wordiness illustrates how busy the train station is so maybe it's not really an issue. It gives me as the reader a little bit of an overwhelmed feeling to read about them swinging arms, talking loudly, laughing, and tossing their hair - it's just hard to picture that string of verbs and visualize if they are happening all at once with both of your sisters doing them in unison or not. Also it makes me wonder where you are during all of this business. Are you just observing or are your swinging and laughing as well?

The part about your grandpa is really sweet - although I'm still looking for you in the midst of it.

The line about the white board seems a little out of place unless it was tied a little more clearly to the cursive lines. It just doesn't seem to fit the mood you describe in the kitchen sweaty, cramped, homey, busy. A white board seems clean, open, cool.

I really like the line about the jelly. This starts to give me a sense of you in inside your poem. You are from your memories and stubbornness it sounds like.

I think the line "salt-kissed ocean-smelling breeze" is a little almost redundant. The reader can infer you're talking about the ocean when you say "salt-kissed" and say the Atlantic in the next line, not to mention you wrote the "ocean" a few lines prior. Also maybe take out "ocean-smelling" just because you use the word smell a couple lines before.

It's interesting that you refer to your mom as "my mother" and your dad as "my daddy" - I'm opposite I always say "mom" & "father".

I didn't look too hard for grammar issues - but I didn't catch any mistakes really. My only other overall suggestion is to give the reader some imagination liberty and credit, lead them along the way giving the important parts without spelling everything out quite so much.
It was a really good read though, and honestly even if you don't make any cuts I don't think it was too long of a poem either.

I really like the last couple lines and the entire tone of your poem. A lot of it has a heavy, busy, homey feel but then there is a contrast with the traveling and the ocean and then it ends by pulling all the strings together in a nice refreshing conclusion.

Good job, and good luck!

~alliyah

Wonderful! This reminds me of my hometown (New York City) and the beauty in the mundane.
We can’t all live in Hawaii.
I can see that office- it looks like the one in The Cricket in Times Square- different objects, same room. Maybe it looks nothing like that, and maybe it does- but that’s perception, isn’t it? Isn’t the idea what matters?
And the country house- I saw it as a different house- is so idyllic, as if an 80s family fell onto the prairie…
Anyway, enough about me. Your writing is amazing, and (obviously) I could really feel it.

Soft, gentle, and smooth flowing from one memory to another: you wrap around from the start at Union Station to an end at Union Station. You may think you can't write deeply, but this is it. The understated way you present your memories really let me "see" the movement of the snow swirls and feel the crisp air. The writing feels really, really mature and not overdone. You know, a lot of younger writers will have all of these dramatic, flourishing metaphors, but this is a great example of how that style is not necessary to create a poem that is really "poetic." It's really fantastic just how it is.

Hey there BlueAfrica! Sounds like you need this fast, so I'll try.

Overall, I really like this, though I have to agree that it's a bit long.

My sisters’ arms swinging as they stride beside me,
talking Italian-loud and laughing,
tossing their hair.

the way I lift my face to the wings of memory and then move on
before it can settle in my hair.

It's interesting very nice. It is well written and the format is cool. there are a lot of lines i liked in this work. liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!!!!!!!

The lonesome whistle in the crisp night air,

the darkness pressing against the windowpanes

then sliding past

like fish in a river.

I LIKE THE IMAGERY YOU USED.

A crowded bar on the hotel’s second floor:

a saxophonist blowing smooth covers over

a football game on TV and

the cheering of the men at a touchdown.

From the balcony, the beery smell

of my daddy beside me,

the salt-kissed ocean-smelling breeze,

the moon shimmering on the Atlantic,

and a couple plodding across the sand in the dark,

leaving faded footprints in their wake.

You use a lot of beautiful imagery well done.
keep up the good work.