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Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Eight Reasons Why I Kissed Hayden Beaufort (Part 6/8)

by TriSARAHtops


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

#6: RECORD SHOP ENCOUNTERS

The next morning, I was rummaging through the pantry trying to find something for breakfast when I heard a knocking at the front door. I looked down at my pyjamas.

No way was I answering it.

A few seconds later my mobile started to ring from the kitchen table. Picking it up, I smiled when I saw the caller ID. I was in serious need of venting what had happened last night, and Tahlia was always happy to listen.

“Open the door,” she said, when I accepted the call.

“What?” I asked blearily. It was too early for my mind to be able to function properly, especially on a Saturday.

“You know that knocking sound coming from the front of your house?” she asked drily, “That’s me. Let me in.”

“Why are you here this early?” I walked out of the kitchen into the hallway, phone still held up to my ear. “It’s a Saturday. You know my brain doesn’t wake up till noon today.”

“We need to talk. What was with your mysterious texting last night?”

I opened the door and grimaced, taking my phone from my ear. “Long story. Really long, confusing story.”

Tahlia brandished her purse with a smile. “Tell me and I’ll shout you breakfast?”

“Deal,” I replied. “Just let me get dressed.”

***

“So Freddie calls you, you go get him, he acts like a douche and then placidly comes home?” Tahlia asked, as we walked out of the café. I’d spent the meal filling Tahlia in on what had happened last night and scoffing eggs Benedict. I hadn’t mentioned the weirdness between me and Eugene, and I hadn’t brought up my conversation with the strange boy, either. Mostly I’d spoken about Freddie’s bizarre behaviour, because it was – strangely enough – the most straightforward aspect of the evening. At least, it was the only thing that didn’t leave me feeling muddled.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“He’s got nerve. I mean, he screws over the guys, and dumps Audrey…”

“How is she, by the way?” I asked.

“Audrey’s fine. I mean, we mostly spent last night eating ice cream and being total clichés, but I actually think I’m more bothered about it than she is. I got the impression that she’d kind of been expecting it to happen for a while now.” Tahlia chewed her bottom lip. She kicked at a rock on the footpath as we walked along, her annoyance quickening her pace. “But I don’t get it. Like, at all. Freddie’s a prick, but this is weird.”

“You don’t say.” I shrugged. “Not that he was gonna tell me why he was behaving like a total nutcase.”

“But that’s not all, is it?” Tahlia asked. I raised an eyebrow, still hesitant to go into any further detail. In some ways, I needed to vent, but the conversation I’d had with the boy was starting to feel like I’d dreamt it, and talking about Eugene was impossible until I got my thoughts in order. She returned my expression disdainfully. “Spill.”

“Well,” I began, “This band performed, I guess, and Freddie vanished. They were really good, and, um, there was this guy, who spoke to me.”

Tahlia made a high pitched sound that was in a register that didn’t sit very well with me so early on a Saturday morning. “Details, Liv! What did you guys talk about? What was his name? What’d he look like?”

“Well, um, we talked about the band, mostly. It wasn’t all that long a conversation, really. And I don’t know what his name was.” I wasn’t sure why I was so awkward. I scratched my nose, and tried to get my thoughts into some kind of order. I cleared my throat, and attempted to speak with more assuredness, continuing, “He was about my height. Dark hair. Amazing eyes.”

“You like him?”

“I don’t know him,” I replied, my pragmatic side taking over before I could become as starry-eyed as Tahlia. “But he was interesting, I guess.”

“You guess?” Tahlia shot me an incredulous look. “Liv, in the time I’ve known you, the only boys you’ve spoken about are the ones we’re friends with.”

“So?” I asked. I became momentarily distracted by the window display of the local record shop, and examined the assortment of vinyl they were apparently having a sale on. I’d managed to coerce my way into getting Eugene’s uncle’s old – and usually broken – record player a couple of years ago, and ever since Hartman Records had been one of my favourite haunts. They only seemed to stock music from obscure, never-quite-famous artists, and a few one hit wonders, but from what I understood, they did surprisingly well enough out of it. Well enough, anyway, to pay the rent for a shop in the middle of the main street, unlike the little indie bookshop Audrey loved, or the lolly shop Eugene and I used to stare at longingly, both of which had closed recently.

“So,” I heard Tahlia say, “The fact that you’re bringing him up must mean he’s made an impression on you. So, I want details.”

“Uh huh.” Absently, I realised I’d stopped walking. A figure stepped into the window, holding a stack of records in his arms. A staff member there to rearrange the display before they opened, I guessed. I smiled at him.

“Really, Liv? Could you quit being the epitome of hipsterdom for a moment, please?” Tahlia sighed from a few steps away.

I caught the eye of the boy in the window and froze. The cordial smile slowly slipped from my face. “Fucking hell,” I breathed.

“And you say Theo’s got a mouth on him,” Tahlia muttered, “What is it?”

A pair of hazel eyes looked back at me, under a pair of raised eyebrows. The way the glass had been reflecting the light, I hadn’t recognised him at first. But now that he’d moved out of the glare, there was no mistaking the boy who was looking at me with a shocked expression on his face, one that probably mirrored the one I was wearing.

This was impossible. I’d been in this shop dozens of times. Last night had been the first time I’d seen him, and then he was suddenly gone, now there he was. In my favourite shop.

“It’s him,” I told Tahlia, without tearing my eyes from the window. Impossible. “The boy from last night.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Nope.” I shook my head, first in accompaniment to my reply, then to clear my head. “Fucking hell,” I repeated.

I didn’t hear anything, but a few seconds later the boy turned around for a moment, and nodded, speaking a couple of words to someone out of sight. He turned back to look at me, his features still pulled into a look of confusion. He frowned, and lifted two fingers.

Two minutes, he mouthed. He disappeared, and I was left there, still gaping at the window. I felt the same reeling sensation I had experienced after our first conversation. It was him.

“The shop’s about to open,” Tahlia said. She stood in front of the door, her blonde hair cast paler by the morning light. She lifted an arm and tapped her watch. “It’s nearly ten.”

“Yeah.” I frowned. “Tahlia…”

“What is it?” she asked, moving over to stand next to me. She stared at me intently, her eyes narrowed. I tried to pull my face into an expression that wouldn’t betray the sudden butterflies in my stomach. I clenched a fist, trying to get myself back in check – I was freaking out over nothing. One conversation. That’s all we’d had, and it wasn’t even all that long an exchange. I’d been riled up from trying to deal with Freddie, and still on a high from the music, and all that had somehow been applied onto him. Even as I told myself this, I kept remembering the breathless feeling of meeting his eyes.

“Nothing,” I replied, “I’m just being an idiot.”

“You like him?” Tahlia asked again. Her tone wasn’t as light as it had been the first time she’d asked it. There wasn’t any room for dodging the question, or being less than truthful. It was more than just curiosity this time; there was a pointedness to her voice that required an answer.

I shut my eyes. “Maybe.”

“It’s obvious, y’know.” Tahlia smirked, though not unkindly. “You’re always so practical. Rational, whatever. But when you’re listening to a song you like, you get this look in your eye. Like you’re somewhere else.”

“And so?”

“When you were talking about him before, and when you were looking at the window, after he left, you had that same look in your eye.” Tahlia glanced back at the door. “He must be pretty impressive, to have you looking at him like that.”

“I just met him,” I argued, then asked, “Am I really that obvious?”

“Probably not.” Tahlia shrugged. “But I’ve known you for a long time, Liv. I can tell.”

I sighed, and unclenched the fist I realised I’d been holding since he’d left. Massaging my thumb, I said quietly, “I’m nervous. Why the hell am I nervous?”

Instead of answering me, Tahlia gestured to the doorway of the record shop. On the other side of the glass, a sign had been flipped around to read OPEN.

“Tell me I’m being sappy,” I begged Tahlia, as a grin spread across her face. I felt my heart rate quicken, and I gulped down air. “Tell me that I’m stupid for freaking out right now. I don’t even know him!”

Tahlia took my hand and – forcibly – dragged me over to stand in the doorway. She squeezed my fingers. “Aren’t you going to introduce, us, then Liv?”

We walked into the shop. As always, the slightly musty smell of the old record covers rushed to greet me.

“Is that Liv Fellows I see?” The booming voice Scottie Hartman, the shop’s manager, echoed around the shop. I spotted him standing behind the counter, his usual ecstatic grin in place. “What are you doing, gracing my shop so early on a Saturday morning?”

I couldn’t help but beam back. Scottie’s energy was always contagious, and just being in his presence brightened my mood. He was a daunting figure at two metres tall, with a Hagrid beard and tattoos all up his arms, but beneath all that he was insanely friendly and about as warm as you could hope for. “You know me, Scottie. I’d never walk past your shop without saying hi.”

“How are Eugene and the boys going? What are they calling themselves now?” Scottie asked as I walked over to the counter. Tahlia followed me, her presence a reminder of why we’d walked in.

“Pugnacious Dogma,” I replied. “They’re… I dunno. Freddie’s leaving, he’s said, but I’m not sure whether he’ll follow through.”

“Rough luck,” Scottie said.

“You could say that.” I was about to ask Scottie whether he had gotten any new music in when Tahlia elbowed me in the ribs. I let out a yelp, and swore at her under my breath.

“Sorry,” she apologised, her voice laden with insincerity. She turned to Scottie, “So my mum was talking about this record she had when she was younger, and I thought I’d get for her birthday. Do you reckon you could help me, at all?”

Tahlia shifted so she bumped me away from the counter. I could tell what she was doing, so I muttered, “I’ll just go have a look around, then.”

I wandered down one of the aisles between the racks, scanning the covers of the records that were at eye-level. The ‘display records’, as Scottie called them. They sat on a ledge above the tubs of records, all of which were sorted by a system that I suspected had more to do with Scottie’s personal preferences than any specific order.

On the other side of the racks, I spotted the dark hair of someone on the other side. Tahlia and I were the only customers in the shop, so it was no great leap to work out who it was. He was moving in the same direction as I was, so I kept walking, matching his pace and trying to breath like a normal person, until we both reached the gap between where the first rack ended and the next began.

“Hello again,” I said.

He smiled. “Hey.”

“Since when have you worked here?” I asked.

“Since about a week ago,” he replied. “Scottie’s my uncle. We moved here last month, and I needed a job, and he needed someone to help out here, and this is how it worked out.”

“Right.”

“Sorry I left without warning last night.” He was slightly less intense in the daylight, as though the sun had whittled away the edges. It also seemed like he was less guarded – his smile seemed genuine and he wasn’t wearing that unreadable façade.

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, taking in the grey-blue t-shirt he wore, and the same leather bands on his wrist that I’d noticed last night. “But it’s a surprise to see you again. And here, of all places.”

“You come here often, then?” A hint of the intensity I’d noticed in his voice last night was back again, but this time it sounded more like curiosity than it had when he was talking about Trifecta.

“Sounds like a pick-up line, when you say it like that.” I laughed. “But a bit, yeah.”

“Enough so that the manager knows your name?”

“Pretty much,” I said. “Which reminds me, actually. I never did get yours.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“May as well do this properly, then.” I straightened up. “I’m Liv Fellows.”

“Nice to meet you Liv,” he replied. “My name’s Hayden Beaufort.”


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Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:03 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! I think this is my last one for the day, and again, I think they're getting shorter :p

I raised an eyebrow, still hesitant to go into any further

New paragraph because you’re switching from Tahlia’s thoughts to Liv’s reaction/inner monologue.

She returned my expression disdainfully. “Spill.”

And then new paragraph again when you switch back to Tahlia.

“You like him?”
“I don’t know him,” I replied

I want to give her a hug for this response :p One of my biggest pet peeves in romance anything is when a character is like “I really like him” (or even worse) “I looooove him!” when they’ve talked for ten seconds :p

I became momentarily distracted by the window display of the local record shop

I would do a new paragraph here because you’ve switched focus.

I tried to pull my face into an expression that wouldn’t betray the sudden butterflies

New paragraph here because you’ve gone from Tahlia to Liv.
PS – I really appreciate her thought process in this paragraph. It’s very authentic.

I love the relationship between Liv and Tahlia you’re showing in this scene. It really feels like two friends talking and they play off of one another really well. I also really like Liv’s inner monologue and thought process about this whole situation. It feels really real and I think you executed it well. Thank you for not making them a love at first site cliché :p

with a Hagrid beard

This description <3

“You know me, Scottie.

I’d do a new paragraph here because you’re going from description about a character to her dialogue.

I really liked the exchange between Liv and Hayden, too. There was a nice touch of awkwardness with a dash of chemistry. It felt real :)
I don't feel an overwhelming amount of intensity building, but you have great characters and clean writing and I think that's what's making this so much fun to read. See you in the next part! :)




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you again!



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Thu Mar 05, 2015 1:29 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I was planning on reviewing these last parts during Review Day, but then I realized that I didn't want to rush with my reviews so I saved them for now when I actually have time. Also, I've totally finished reading to the end so I totally know what's going to happen :3 Maybe for the sake of the review I shouldn't have done that, but I was just so into the story that I didn't want to stop. It's probably not going to effect anything, but... yeah. //rambles

I fail to see the point of the scene at the beginning of the chapter. In such a short novel, every scene matters. At least, that's what I think. Anyway, the part where Liv is so groggy doesn't do much for me. The conversation that happens between her and Tahlia could've been held off until they were at the cafe. It just seems like a way for you to fill time and that happens anyway with the time break with the asterisks. Sure it shows us how much Tahlia cares about Liv, but it's not really something that we need to see at this exact moment.

I have to admit that most of the time I'm bored by descriptions and imagery. It could be the most wonderfully written descriptions and I'd still skip it. I'd much rather read dialogue and action and things actually happening. However, there are times when I notice that descriptions are needed and I'm actually bummed when it isn't there. This is one of those times. I wanted to see more of the town as Liv and Tahlia were walking around. I wanted to know more about the cafe they went to. Was it small? Large? More like a Starbucks? Those little details will also give us some clues about what kind of town they live in. I don't think we've really gotten a description or anything about where they live. As in suburbs, city (I'm certain it's not the city, although I don't know why), country. It's not super important to the story, especially since it's on the shorter side, but it would definitely help us understand what kind of life Liv lives. (Liv lives. That made me laugh xD)

It's Hayden! Woo! I think Liv's reaction to seeing him was perfect. She just met this guy last night and she doesn't know how she feels about him. Then all of the sudden he shows up at a store that she frequently visits and she's thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts. Did she really know him and just not recognize him? Has he always been at this store? What does she do now? It's perfect. It's also not the typical cliché meeting, which I love. I'm not one to voluntarily pick up a romance novel or a novel that I know is focused on romance (except yours because, like, it's just too cool not to read ^_^), but I will if I feel like it's something different. This is the start of it for me. Liv isn't completely convinced that she's into this guy, yet here she is going into the store to talk to him. We're not getting a sappy love story here. I like that.

Hm, I'm trying to think of something else to say, but I think I covered everything. I want to save my comments about the novel as a whole until the very end (boy, that'll be a fun, long review :3). Your writing is very consistent and I don't see much that needs to be fixed. I don't usually read too closely to catch things like that (I should probably start doing that). There's an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter, but it works. Sometimes you just need that chapter where the characters are interacting the entire time. Your dialogue is very well written. Liv's voice is very strong as well. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but she's a very strong character. Having her narrate the story was a very good choice. And you developed her well that it works. After reading all of this, I've come to the conclusion that writing is in anything but first person from Liv's point of view would've been a mistake. It's great the way it is.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




TriSARAHtops says...


Yay! Thank you, very much appreciated. :-)



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Tue Feb 17, 2015 1:16 pm
LittleFox wrote a review...



Yeess this story keeps getting better! I'm going to be sad when I finish this and have to find a new story to follow. :(

Like always your writing style continues to be perfect for this story and I am jealous of your talent for story-telling! The only thing was that I felt like this was a little shorter than I would like it to be, but that's only because I want to keep reading. :)

Keep up the great work!

-LittleFox




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Mon Feb 02, 2015 3:10 pm
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Hayden Beaufort! I mean of course we all knew it was him. But even still.

I have to say, I liked this, although not as much as I liked the last few parts. That's okay though, because a story can't be high-intensity high-stakes all the time. I like the 'morning after' vibe that I get after this, how everything seems clearer in daylight. I also like how Liv and Tahlia are clearly very good friends, but it's different to her friendship with Eugene, and it doesn't mean Tahlia gets to know everything.

One of the things I noticed in this part, but I think has been lacking in other parts, is description. You tell the story incredibly well, and the little bits of description you do give us are very nice, but I still feel like there could be more. For instance, when Liv opens the door and Tahlia's outside - what's she wearing? What's her expression? Is she a really chirpy early bird in bright colours or is she in a hoody with her hair on top of her head and bags under her eyes, looking tired the way Liv feels? When they go into the shop, you describe the smell, which is nice, but is there music in the background? Is there anyone else there?

I like Tahlia. I think you do a great job of making very realistic characters, and I like how they're friends but obviously Tahlia's not that interested in music the way Liv is. And I like the difference between night-Hayden and morning-Hayden.

I think the description is my main problem with this part, other than that I don't have too much to complain about! Although that said, I'm not *raving* about it like I was with Part 5. It's fine. It's functional. It's doing its intended job.

Onwards!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you! :)



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Wed Jan 28, 2015 4:53 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



Sarah!

Omg omg I knew it, I knew he was Hayden, but still you kept up with that sweet torturous build-up and I couldn't be sure but omg. I cannot wait to see what happens after this xD

I keep forgetting I'm actually intending to review these parts, because I just enjoy reading it so much that I don't even think about pulling bits out to comment on them. It's so nice to just read this - especially when all the tension is building up towards the end! I do hope you'll post the last bit soon because after this there's only one and I know it'll leave me hanging!

One thing that I was wondering is that Hayden can't have moved to this town from very far away if he's been a part of Trifecta. I don't know, the way he just said "we moved here last month" makes it seem like he's completely new to the area. Then, I don't know if there would have been enough time for him to join and leave the band after he'd moved, but if he's only been there less than a month, I doubt he'd have had the connections right away, unless he knew the band people from before.

Bless Tahlia for dragging Liv into the shop! Can't wait for part 7!


Demeter
x




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you! I need to work out the logistics of Hayden and Trifecta. Another thing for the rewrites... ;-)



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:17 pm
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artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hey sorry it took me so long, but I promise I'm going to see this one through to the end.

I loved the way you described her interaction with Hayden. How she was freaking out even though she wasn't why. It had me laughing because I've totally been there. I'm pretty sure I've raved about your pacing before, but I'll do it again. It was drawn out enough to feel realistic but I was still enjoying reading it throughout the entire piece. I had a hard time reviewing things because I just wanted to read.

I also love how well you've described your characters. I realize I've only been with them for six chapters but I feel like I'm in the world. I understand why they do the things they do and love their interactions with each other.


Here are my few little nitpicks:
[quote]I wasn’t sure why I was so awkward. I scratched my nose, and tried to get my thoughts into some kind of order. I cleared my throat, and attempted to speak with more assuredness, continuing,[quote] Something people have pointed out to me in my own writing is the need to be careful of the repetition of sentences that start with the word "I". They make for a choppy read. It can be difficult to avoid them in first person writing, which is why it's nice to read published works written in first person to see how they avoid it. Some ways to fix it are to add description, make the sentence more of a commentary from the character rather than having them describe their action, or combining/condensing sentences. Here I think the last one would work nicely.

Something else to be careful of is over-describing things. You'll have you characters do an action and then you'll three sentences after that action that modify it. If you really feel like you need to describe why a character raised their eyebrows then fine, but make sure it's really necessary. Sometimes your audience can figure out why your character is doing something without you spelling things out for us. Also try to keep your description sentences to one or two, of possible.

[quote]The booming voice Scottie Hartman, the shop’s manager, echoed around the shop.[quote] I think to be "The booming voice of Scottie Hartman,"

[quote]On the other side of the racks, I spotted the dark hair of someone on the other side.[quote] There's an unnecessary repetition of the phrase "the other side," delete one or change it too. "There was someone with dark hair on the other side of the racks."

Two other little things you have are the words so and replied. For so, just make sure you don't overuse it. Usually it used as a transition in dialogue, but often it's not needed.

I may have mentioned this before, I don't know, but often times it's good to use the word said. Said becomes invisible to your reader. it doesn't draw attention to itself which allows your reader to focus on the dialogue which helps the flow. You really only use the word replied instead of said or asked, which isn't really a big problem, and you may decide you want to keep using it. Just thought it be nice to be aware of why people often use the word said.

And that's all I got. I'm so glad the next part is posted because I'm not sure I could wait that long to find out what happens next.

Thanks!

-Art




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you! :) It's weird, I think the not using said comes from a teacher who, when we were doing creative writing in English in year seven, really stressed the idea of not usng 'said' all the time. I think it's taken me a while to kick that habit :-)



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Wed Jan 07, 2015 1:31 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



HA! I knew it was him in the window.

I have little to comment on this, but I just wanted to say that the way you've been doing Liv's feelings about Hayden--from the moment she met him all the way through here--is probably the most realistic girl-meets-boy feelings I've ever read about a teenager in my life. Like Twilight and, well, basically everything else out there is like, "And then I saw him, and there was this weird feeling like he could see into my soul and he was gorgeous and love at first sight and blah blah blah," but your story is actually how it usually happens (in my experience), right down to her being like, "What's the big deal?" even while she's getting butterflies and going, "Why the hell am I nervous? UGH WHAT IS THIS."

So, props to you for that. It's making for a very enjoyable read with no eye-rolling at all, which is quite a shock since most romantic stories have the eye-rolling effect on me.

Blue

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TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you!




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg