Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“Miss Lola?” Cameron’s voice bounced from behind where she was sitting on a bench.
“Cameron, you can just call me Lola.” her smile soft yet sad as she faces him, “What’s up?” she motions to next to her. The sun is setting on the island and the sparkles on the water as they reflect the light as Lola stares on.
“It’s been nearly two years Lola you can’t keep waiting forever.” Shoulders brought up and then relaxed letting loose a sigh, “He would want you to keep moving forward.”
“What keeps you up at night?” quick cold reply, “because Cameron ‘that’ keeps me up at night, not knowing where he’s at or if he’s still alive, I miss Doron so much you don’t understand.”
“Lola, he did it to save- “
“I don’t care.” Voice cracking eyes shut, “I don’t give a shit that he did it for me and he felt it was the only option to give himself to something we couldn’t comprehend!” her hands balled into fists. “I never asked him to be a martyr for me.” She shakes, “All I ever wanted from him was to never leave my side and work as a team, but when the time came, he just made a rash decision without hesitating!”
“It was his decision.” Blunt with an attempt to soothe her, “You can’t blame yourself for not being able to control the outcome Lola.”
“I would rather that I had been taken alongside with him than to be here!” screams and temperature rising burning liquid streams out of her eyes.
“Lola, you need to get a hold of yourself.” He reaches out to her but flinches and pulls away as he is burned.
“Maybe it’d be better if I just burned myself till there was nothing left because then it’ll all just stop!” She sobs into her hands, “ my whole life I’ve been left to tend to my own wounds and just when I thought I found someone to be there I’m left in the cold…” broken sobs leave her throat as sizzling is accompanied seconds after.
“Lola, there’s people here who can help you.” Cameron cradles his hand, “All you have to do is ask.”
“I was robbed Cam- “
“I’m not saying we’ll take his place in your life, but please just let us help,” he takes a breath, “let me help, we love having you here including the students in our dorm and they’d be just as sad if anything happened to you.”
Lola continues to cry softly never taking her hands off her face but occasionally wiping her face and sniffling. They both sit there for a few minutes.
“Cameron, I’m so tired.” Finally, she speaks voice hoarse from crying.
“I know Lola.” Cameron answers gently, “But you don’t have to be alone anymore.”
“I miss him so much…” she admits, “It hasn’t stopped hurting it just keeps burning like holding hot coals.”
“You loved him.”
“Still do.”
“No wonder it still hurts.”
“We were supposed to be a fairytale, but all I got was a tragedy.”
The two watch the sun sink beneath the sky not saying anything just sitting. And Lola felt, that maybe, just maybe that her love was out there. Feeling just as lost as she was and that fire in her? Made her want to claw at anything if it meant getting to see him again. She shivered bringing her shoulders up rubbing them to warm her.
“Hey, Lola?” Cameron starts, “lets get you to the nurses office for your sunburns.”
“sounds like a plan, lets go.” She responds as she gets up and as she does, she leaves behind the scorched marks of her own reflection.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Hi Blossombriar!
Oooo, intriguing! I am getting this X-Men vibe at the end and I like the slow reveal that she is like a walking sun who can burn what or whoever he touches. Great job leaving some mystery for the reader to figure out who Doron is and what he did to sacrifice himself. A bitter sweet end.
I agree with the other reviews, there were some descriptions that didn't quit work or make much sense, but I totally understand how difficult it can be to clearly articulate exactly what you want the readers to feel and think.
For example:
“I don’t care.” Voice cracking eyes shut,...
I think you want to break those two phrases. Add a comma, or try rewriting it.
"I don't care." Her voice cracked, and eyes shut/squeezed tightly. "I don't..."
Another point to remember, it is better to show and describe what the character is feeling, which you do a great job at! However, you should tell the reader what they are actually seeing.
“I would rather that I had been taken alongside with him than to be here!” screams and temperature rising burning liquid streams out of her eyes.
You don't need to describe what tears are, tears are tears. When we see liquid coming out of someones eyes, we know they are tears. Of course, describe how those tears are coming out. Try replacing "liquid" with "tears".
Sometimes we as writers want describe every detail, but remember that somethings are allowed to be simple.
We don't say:
"His lips pressed together and curled up."
We say:
"He smiled."
But, we can then describe how he smiled.
"He smiled with delight." or "A cunning smile appeared on his face."
I love the story and I hope this helps a little bit! Keep up the great work, you have a natural storytelling heart!
Hey there, this was a nice tale, but I got the idea it was only a fragment. Even if you don't choose to continue it, I think this was a nice idea and a real treat to read. On to corrections, I guess!
I'm going to tackle the immediate two things I noticed in here, one of which appears all throughout the rest of the story.
1. You use the word 'as' pretty frequently. Speaking from experience, you were probably creating a picture in your head and unconsciously chose a word that best gave the reader a clear picture of what was going on. The downfall of 'as' is that the reader will do just the opposite of what you want after a while, and the real connections you had in the first place will be lost. I recommend giving the characters a chance to take a break from dialogue - if only for a moment - to think about the sunset and the connections they have with it. Just PM if you want me to elaborate.
2. This sentence was a bit choppy; allow me to show you what I have in mind to fix it.
Next, I have a more query than concern. You used a kind of unfamiliar way of breaking between dialogue that I honestly had no clue whether was a problem or not. Let me quote them for you.
It sounded weird, but I can't be sure it was incorrect in any way. If you know it isn't a mistake, I love for clarification.
While I absolutely loved the description you used, I think the grammar wasn't perfect. I'd have said '...broken sobs leave her throat sizzling seconds after.'
I think the 'L' in 'let's' should be capitalized and a apostrophe should go after the 'T'. But the 'sun' in 'sunburns' really confused me. I think since you're talking about coals, it should just be 'burns'.
In conclusion, this was an enjoyable read, and conveyed a lot of believable dialogue. I only wish there were more to read. As for my overall review work, (and I tried not to restate fleuralplants review), I thought there were some small things to work on in the future, but you had many strengths to make up for that. Also, a late welcome to YWS!
Hi! This is going to be a rather short review, but here we go.
I think maybe saying "she gave a quick cold reply" might work better. "Quick cold reply" by itself doesn't really work, in my opinion.Suggestions:
1) I noticed that you said
2) Here, there is an unnecessary space between the quotation mark and 'my'. I'm sure this was an accident since you didn't do it anywhere else, but I figured I might as well alert you to it.
3) I found a sentence that I don't think works very well. I think maybe a comma between 'speaks' and 'voice' to separate the two thoughts would be helpful.
4) I think the same thing goes for this one as the point above, that a comma could be useful somewhere in that phrase to break it up a little.
5) A few times you said 'lets', when I think it should be 'let's', since it really means to say 'let us'.
6) Towards the very end, I noticed that there was a missed capitalization: The 'S' should be capitalized.
Loves:
I love the last line! I really like that part, and the description in "scorched marks of her own reflection" adds to the emotion that the character feels. The word "scorched" is rather negative, and that fits in well with the emotion felt by the character.
This is a sad story, but I like that!
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading!