Those eyes of yours glistened beautifully,
even in the darkest of nights.
Your laughter echoed down the halls of this lonely home,
even whilst tears emerged on your face.
You were always there,
with the purity of your innocense healing everything you touched.
You valued the life of a flower
and treasured those brilliant stars that illuminated the nights sky.
You were as precious as a raindrop from the heavens,
without so much as a speck of hate within you.
But then you,
my inner child,
ran away.
It was so sudden.
You just slipped from my hands,
whilst my life turned upside down.
I was busy complaining about the ways of others,
not realising they were a mirror image of myself.
I didn't notice this loss for a while,
but when I did,
all my sins finally began to suffocate me.
So no longer do my eyes shine like the sun in the sky,
they are empty with no happiness.
I can not laugh,
but I can cry all night.
I am lost in this world of bleakness
and all purity has been wrinsed from me.
I can't see any beauty in a blooming flower,
nor do the stars light up my heart as the do the sky.
No future of mine leads to heaven
as this life can not be repaired.
Though I know what is lost,
is lost for good,
what I beg for each night,
ignorant to the lesson to be learned,
is for you to be with me once again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey Ellen
Going to review this for you.
Nitpicks:
Lose the "s" on the end of night sky.
It flows better without finally in the sentence.
You don't have to change this, but I believe it might sound better worded like this:
I don't see the beauty in a blooming flower,
Emotions:
I love this poem because I, and I'm sure many others, can relate to this well. We understand the message you've tried to communicate and you've done it in such a beautiful way. I feel the loss and sadness in the poem but those emotions present themselves in a almost graceful-like way.
General:
In the third paragraph, I felt some of the linse were unnessessary to the overall poem. Especially this part:
Not only does it disrupt the flow of the poem, but it seems too formal. I think it just doesn't have a purpose to the poem as much as the rest of the lines do, and if you wish to keep it still, use simpler words.
Keep it up, Ell. You're a fantastic writter.
-Madz
Heya
Loved the poem by the way, it was sweet and in a way kind of breathtaking.
Anyways, keep writing.
Love Georgie xxXXxx
This is such a sweet poem. I really enjoyed reading it. I hope that you will write more like this. I just loved it. Overall, it's a very good poem. Keep writing to make it better.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.