Quite Pain

by Blossom
  • September 13, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Testing and luring my weakness,
the memories still torment me.
The tedious repetition of images flashing across my mind
blinding me, tainting my vision of life.

My dreams are like tactical bullies,
teasing me with the horrors of the dark, lonely night.
I toss and turn vigorously.
My temper is on the rise.

I feel like my life can't possibly break,
for it wasn't even whole to start with.
My windowless mind of swarming thoughts
are cornering me into blackness.
Whats left of what was nothing,
has finally taken hold of me.

If only those memories would disappear,
vanish for enternity.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi! This is just a quick poem I came up with in 5-10min in a class competition. We had to use the following words in our pieces:
-Tease
-Test
-Torment
-Tedious
-Temper
-Tactic
-Tainted
(NOTE= We could changed the context of the words. Example: Tease to teasing.)
Tell me what you think about it as I am considering entering it in the school poetry competition. :) thanks xx

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
rainbowbubble
Review
rainbowbubble wrote a review · Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:12 am

master writer class? hehe good times ;) i agree with the above reviews, but you did really well considering we only had 10-15mins, with the added pressure. Make sure you put up that poem you wrote last year for the poetry comp, and overall keep writing beatuful poetry :D
-xoxo rainbowbubble

User avatar
heybeccahey
Comment
heybeccahey commented · Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:57 pm

well done! I do have to agree, you have very lovely imagery.

My only concern is this last line. I think it could be a little trippy. It seems too blunt compared to the rest of the poem, because the poem is beautiful.
keep writing (:

User avatar
Abigail_W.
Review
Abigail_W. wrote a review · Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:54 pm

Hi Blossom! I hope you don't mind if I change the color back to black for now, because I like to highlight errors in red. :clap:

Blossom wrote:Testing and luring my weakness,
the memories still torment me.
The tedious repetition of images flashing across my mind
blinding me, tainting my vision of life.


Hmm. This seems like it would do just fine as one long sentence. In poetry, quite frankly, most of those rules you learned in English class don't necessarily need to apply.

Blossom wrote:My dreams are like tactical bullies,
teasing me with the horrors of the dark, lonely night.
I toss and turn vigorously.
My temper is on the rise.


This is an excellent metaphor; I don't think I've ever related the way nightmares taunt me to the way bullies do. That's exactly how metaphors are supposed to make you think.

Blossom wrote:I feel like my life can't possibly break,
for it wasn't even whole to start with.
My windowless mind of swarming thoughts
is cornering me into blackness.
What's left of what was nothing,
has finally taken hold of me.


"What's" is a contraction for "what is," so it needs an apostrophe.

Blossom wrote:If only those memories would disappear,
vanish for eternity.


Overall, great poem, considering you had only 10-12 minutes to write it! I have a concern about the title: did you mean for it to be "Quiet Pain" or "Quite Painful"? I'm not sure if "Quite Pain" makes any sense. o_O Anyways, I hope this helps, and I hope you win that contest! I'm looking forward to seeing you around!

- Abigail

User avatar
Ross
Review
Ross wrote a review · Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:42 pm

Blossom wrote:
#400040 ">Testing and luring my weakness,
the memories still torment me.
The tedious repetition of images flashing across my mind
blinding me, tainting my vision of life.

You have some lovely imagery here, but "tedious reptition" kind of distracts from the flow. But it is a overall solid start. The hook is a bit weak, but I'm not gonna be [i]too nitpicky.

My dreams are like tactical bullies,
teasing me with the horrors of the dark, lonely night.
I toss and turn vigorously.
My temper is on the rise. This kind of distracts from the overall point of the poem. It's assumed that she's mad about the dreams, but is it really that important?

I feel like my life can't possibly break,
for it wasn't even whole to start with.
My windowless mind of swarming thoughts
are cornering me into blackness.
Whats left of what was nothing,
has finally taken hold of me.

Overall, this is a nice introspective climax. But...it's bordering on the floweriness that Stephenie Meyer would do.

If only those memories would disappear,
vanish for enternity.
[/i] A bit too short, compared to the other verses. Elaborate on this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi! This is just a quick poem I came up with in 5-10min in a class competition. We had to use the following words in our pieces:
-Tease
-Test
-Torment
-Tedious
-Temper
-Tactic
-Tainted
(NOTE= We could changed the context of the words. Example: Tease to teasing.)
Tell me what you think about it as I am considering entering it in the school poetry competition. :) thanks xx


You've got nice skill with imagery, Blossom. That's definitely nice. I'm not seeing too much assonance in here, nor alliteration. But, it's a decent poem.

GRADE: B

(Also, I encourage you to enter!)



Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg