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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey guys,
One thing I want to comment on though is about the statements that I didn't provide enough imagery or explain my emotions in a unique way. I understand the point you are making but I do actually think I communicated my message in a way that isn't completely cliche. The feelings, ideas and words suit the scene I was trying to create perfectly to me and to be honest, I have used imagery (mainly in terms of emotions) and metaphors which haven't been done before. PLease don't take this to offence, it's just what I think and that is the reason I won't be changing my poem in that way. However, I do thank you very much for putting forward that opinion.
Thanks for the advice, it is truly appreciated
-Blossom xx
I liked this poem alot! It's imagery is great, i'm a beginner at writing, so im not looking at punctuation and spelling as i am at the message. The message is great, it cuts straight to the heart, keep up the great work!
Right away, I noticed this:
It should be "breath I breathe". "Breath" is the noun; "breathe" is the verb. When in doubt, consult a dictionary.
Having a basic mistake like this in your first line is a major turn-off to readers. Also, I am wondering why the entire poem is italicized. It strikes me as a bit gimmicky.
Overall, I agree with ultraviolet. You have a good base, but the execution needs a fair bit of work, especially with regards to imagery. For the most part, your poem lacked descriptions, and what imagery you have is bland and not particularly unique. Try thinking of ways that you can describe the situation without using what comes first to mind, or second; the reason they're the first things you think of is because you've heard them somewhere before. Instead, try and think of a description for the situation(s) that makes perfect sense to you but that you've never heard before, and then write so that your readers will be able to go "Oh wow. I've never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense."
You also had a few issues with punctuation, namely missing/unnecessary commas. Rewriting your poem out like regular prose will help you find these issues.
Concept
I like the concept here, especially at the end. You give us a new view of unrequited love. Not only does she want him, though she may not even know the reasons, but she realizes how unhealthy it is to be strangled by the desire. She also realizes how something so simple as a crush can turn into an obsession, and I think that if people really thought about it, they could relate to that aspect of this poem as well as others.
But along with the knowledge of how this is affecting her in negative ways, I like how she knows she's powerless to it's effect, that she may even love the effect of it, no matter how dangerous it is to her heart -- the heart that holds love, not blood.
Descriptions
You have some nice descriptions and comparisons here. But while they're nice, they're not necessarily memorable. They were the same old "I can't even think around him, I want him so much" kind of thing. Until the end. But it wasn't until the end that this piece made me think. I'd take some of those controversial lines and put them further up, make us think right away, give us reason to keep reading. But something to remember is, don't overload this piece. Don't have a too strong start and sort of fade off, put don't put in many conflicting ideas that we're confused. Anyways, just give us more incentive to keep going through this piece.
Flow
I got to tell you, this flow just isn't flowing. The way this poem is set up, I don't know, there's just something in my mind that thinks the lines are too long. Not necessarily the sentences or poem in general, but the individual lines. I'd suggest breaking it up differently, if you want to keep the same sentences, making the lines shorter but the stanza longer. Or you could just reword things. It's up to you. All I'm saying is that my mind had to really think just to make the lines fit in the space my mind reserved for them.
Okay, so I've rambled enough for one review. Just, consider what I've said, and overall I do like this. One final thing I want to say is, while working with such a common subject, you have to make sure the keep the material original. You did that towards the end, which I loved, but you have to make the beginning memorable too or no one's going to keep going till the end.
loveness, ultraviolet <3