Day 1
Our name is International 4-8818. We have been given the task of recording our journey through the uncharted forest, with our brothers.It has been one year since Equality 7-2521, and Liberty 5-3000 have left the city. We are traveling with Union 8-3218, and Liberty 7-2316 in search of the two. There has been much unrest within the city, and many of our brothers speak now of fleeing into the uncharted forest. Such talk is forbidden among us and many of our brothers have been executed for their sins. We still remember the days when we looked upon Equality 7-2521 with respect. We thought of him as our brother, we worked with him day after day. When we found that tunnel from the unmentionable times we should have alerted the scholars of it. Instead we held our tongue and now our very way of life is at risk. We have since admitted to our sins to the world scholars. Of course we were punished for our crimes, but now we are on our own path to redemption. When we find the traitors, and return them to city our sins will be forgiven. Should we die on this journey...then our brothers will have no need for our corpse.
Day 3
Our quest to find the traitors is making progress. Today Union 8-3218 found the remains of what we suspect to be a robe worn by the street sweepers of the city. We are getting closer to finding the two traitors... and closer to finding redemption from our brothers.
Day 4
We have arrived at the base of a mountain in the forest. Tomorrow we will climb it in hopes of finding more traces of the two traitors. We fear we will not survive the climb to the top of the mountain. There is little food and the water causes our stomachs great pain. Perhaps it would be best if we turned around and went back to the city. Convincing our brothers will be difficult but at this rate we will surely die.
Day 5
We have convinced our brothers that the search for Equality 7-2521 and Liberty 5-3000 has failed. We shall return to the city empty handed, and prepared to face our execution. Equality 7-2521... because of his disgusting ways we now face our certain death. We will die branded as a failure, and a triator to our brothers.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hello, Bloodvein! I like the idea behind this story, and I think Ayn Rand fanfiction is a very interesting idea. I recall that Anthem had a very open ending, and I was left wondering whether the main character would succeed. I'm interested to see what you will come up with, and I'm glad you begin by addressing the reactions of the characters in the city.
I'm not sure what this sentence is saying. It might help to reword it, but I might just be misunderstanding it.This chapter is somewhat confusing, because it jumps around a lot. It might be better if it focuses just on describing the narrator's mission, or explaining the narrator's thoughts about Prometheus' actions, or showing the effects of Prometheus' actions on the city.
It could be made more clear who "the two" are. It's somewhat confusing, especially because two people have the name "Liberty."
This sentence is a bit awkward to read. Maybe it could be reworded.
The narration in this story is very good, and it fits with the style and ideas in Anthem. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you keep writing!
Hey I have a review.
I really did enjoy reading this chapter, since the way it was written was a nice breat of fresh air from what I normally read, but I'm going to have to agree with Lee0z on the idea that it can get a bit repetitive, and maybe you could add some dialogue and change the tense to the present day later on?
That's just my input, but I'm sure if you do that it will work wonders for the story. I really do like the idea, and that cliff hanger at the end, I want to know if they die, or come up with an amazing plan, or something like that anyway!
I really look forward to reading more of this
Thank you for the review. I started writing this fanfic right after reading the book. The next chapter will be more interesting.
Hello BloodVein11, I'm here to review.
Okay, so I found your style of writing to be.. interesting. I do like it, however I don't recommend every chapter being like this as it may bore your readers.
I can imagine this being a voice diary, is that what you're aiming for? A person recording down their journal quickly by recording their own voice? I don't know. *shrugs*
Anyway, I do recommend, in further chapters that you should have more dialogue and description. If you want me to help you out with those, I am more than happy to.
I would like to know what happened on day two.
The ending of this chapter, it's very intriguing. I really want to know the customs and laws of this place you're writing about.
I would like to read more, just in a different style, you know?
Hope this helps
From ~ Lee0z
Thank you for the review. Not every chapter will be like this, I think the next chapter will be more interesting. However I reccomend reading the book to understand the plot. I will try my best to get peoople more interested.