Young Writers Society

Hi there Bloodlord! Niteowl here to review! I decided to try something different, looking at the overall meaning of the poem and whether the metaphors and structure used contribute to that meaning.

My summary of this piece:
Man made a choice between light and darkness and chose darkness, so we all live in a world of night. However, there is a light and there is hope for a better world in the age to come. God uses the wind to sing us a song reminding us of our fall and the message of hope.

Thoughts on the similes/metaphors
I liked the idea of the wind as a metaphor for God and the song as a metaphor for the message of the Bible. I thought these felt like timeless and universal concepts. The song idea also has the interesting implication that it is prone to change over time. For example, if someone sings off key or forgets the words to a song, the message might be changed or lost. The rhyme and old-fashioned language contribute to the ancient/immortal song vibe, which is good. However, I think there could be more clarity around the idea that this was a choice, not an inevitable cycle as the light/dark metaphor seems to imply.

I also feel like this piece has somewhat limited appeal. The Christian allusions (e.g. The Lamb, the Apple) are clear to anyone with a background in Christianity, but that doesn't include everyone. As a former Christian, I understood the allusions, but it didn't personally appeal to me. There might be a way to get across these same ideas in a way that has broader appeal using different metaphors.

Overall, I think there's a solid meaning behind this poem, largely supported by some common and less common religious metaphors. Keep writing!

Hey there Bloodlord,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

1) Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

Once had the wind This is more of a personal preference, but I would switch the places of 'the' and 'had' in this first line. I just think it would enhance the flow of the piece.
Sung me a tune--
Seraphic and of old--
Of once a mind
From sin--immune--
It's Fall Why is fall capitalized here? hath fate foretold.
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A quaint song, <- I would get rid of this comma. yes,
But yet it seems
To sing of times long past I don't know what it is, but the phrasing of this line feels a little weird on the tongue.
When dark and light
Stood--seam to seam--
And mortal Choice was cast. Like I asked for fall, why is this word capitalized?
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And so we fell
That fateful day--
In Spirit to the ground;
Until the Lamb
Could scourge away It feels like there's some of connective word between this line and the next missing.
Evil so mortal-bound.
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When the Sun rises
Should we rise
And live in full once more-- My biggest issue with this stanza is that this line reads so much like a question but then it's like you go and contradict that question. I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing but it's really weird to read this question and before we even get the chance to comment on it (to ourselves) we're automatically told "but wait this happening instead..." I would actually if I were you change the spots of "should" and "we" so it reads more like your speaker is suggesting this idea but then they're already to late and something else has occurred that hinders their idea. If that makes sense.
But dusk has fallen;
Night has come--
And Light we see no more.
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And so Winds sing
By Shade of moon,
Beneath immortal crest--
By mortal Apple
Did we fall
From the Immortal Blest. It may be just me but this ending stanza is rather confusing.

I love this poem nise work it is lovely keep on righting poems.

This was a lovely poem. You have a real gift.