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Once Sang the Wind

by Bloodlord


Once had the wind

Sung me a tune--

Seraphic and of old--

Of once a mind

From sin--immune--

It's Fall hath fate foretold.

————————————————-

A quaint song, yes,

But yet it seems

To sing of times long past

When dark and light

Stood--seam to seam--

And mortal Choice was cast.

————————————————-

And so we fell

That fateful day--

In Spirit to the ground;

Until the Lamb

Could scourge away

Evil so mortal-bound.

————————————————-

When the Sun rises

Should we rise

And live in full once more--

But dusk has fallen;

Night has come--

And Light we see no more.

————————————————-

And so Winds sing

By Shade of moon,

Beneath immortal crest--

By mortal Apple

Did we fall

From the Immortal Blest.


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Sat Sep 22, 2018 7:26 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Bloodlord! Niteowl here to review! I decided to try something different, looking at the overall meaning of the poem and whether the metaphors and structure used contribute to that meaning.

My summary of this piece:
Man made a choice between light and darkness and chose darkness, so we all live in a world of night. However, there is a light and there is hope for a better world in the age to come. God uses the wind to sing us a song reminding us of our fall and the message of hope.

Thoughts on the similes/metaphors
I liked the idea of the wind as a metaphor for God and the song as a metaphor for the message of the Bible. I thought these felt like timeless and universal concepts. The song idea also has the interesting implication that it is prone to change over time. For example, if someone sings off key or forgets the words to a song, the message might be changed or lost. The rhyme and old-fashioned language contribute to the ancient/immortal song vibe, which is good. However, I think there could be more clarity around the idea that this was a choice, not an inevitable cycle as the light/dark metaphor seems to imply.

I also feel like this piece has somewhat limited appeal. The Christian allusions (e.g. The Lamb, the Apple) are clear to anyone with a background in Christianity, but that doesn't include everyone. As a former Christian, I understood the allusions, but it didn't personally appeal to me. There might be a way to get across these same ideas in a way that has broader appeal using different metaphors.

Overall, I think there's a solid meaning behind this poem, largely supported by some common and less common religious metaphors. Keep writing! :D




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Thu Aug 30, 2018 4:38 pm
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Bloodlord,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

1) Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

Once had the wind This is more of a personal preference, but I would switch the places of 'the' and 'had' in this first line. I just think it would enhance the flow of the piece.
Sung me a tune--
Seraphic and of old--
Of once a mind
From sin--immune--
It's Fall Why is fall capitalized here? hath fate foretold.
————————————————-
A quaint song, <- I would get rid of this comma. yes,
But yet it seems
To sing of times long past I don't know what it is, but the phrasing of this line feels a little weird on the tongue.
When dark and light
Stood--seam to seam--
And mortal Choice was cast. Like I asked for fall, why is this word capitalized?
————————————————-
And so we fell
That fateful day--
In Spirit to the ground;
Until the Lamb
Could scourge away It feels like there's some of connective word between this line and the next missing.
Evil so mortal-bound.
————————————————-
When the Sun rises
Should we rise
And live in full once more-- My biggest issue with this stanza is that this line reads so much like a question but then it's like you go and contradict that question. I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing but it's really weird to read this question and before we even get the chance to comment on it (to ourselves) we're automatically told "but wait this happening instead..." I would actually if I were you change the spots of "should" and "we" so it reads more like your speaker is suggesting this idea but then they're already to late and something else has occurred that hinders their idea. If that makes sense.
But dusk has fallen;
Night has come--
And Light we see no more.
————————————————-
And so Winds sing
By Shade of moon,
Beneath immortal crest--
By mortal Apple
Did we fall
From the Immortal Blest. It may be just me but this ending stanza is rather confusing.


2)Overall opinions

For the most part I really enjoyed this piece. I think it is well written and you show an nice talent for poetry. There were a few places where I was a little confused on why you decided to do somethings. One of those places being the capitalized words in the middle of a line. Are the words you capitalized significant to the piece? Other then that I don't have much to say other then what's already in the line by line.

I do want to comment briefly though on the extra space added after the lines. It can hinder a readers experience because it can look ununiformed and make the piece look a little clunky. Instead of hitting "enter" when you want to start a new line, I would recommend hitting "shift+enter" instead that way you can have a piece that looks like the one I have above in my line by line review.

I don't know what else to say but good job. If you have any questions please feel free to ask them and I will attempt to answer to the best of my abilites. Good luck and continue writing.




Bloodlord says...


Thanks for the review! I understand how you might not be able to understand it in some parts - I'll try to fix that. Thank you for pointing it out! As for the capitalization, I capitalize the words that I thought connected with the ulterior meaning.

Thank you again! :D



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Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:58 am
Dossereana says...



I love this poem nise work it is lovely keep on righting poems. :D




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Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:56 am
FlamingPhoenix says...



This was a lovely poem. You have a real gift. :D





"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll