Published September 23, 2008
If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog—
Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal.
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
I can't say anything except, I loved it, and great job!!
~M
I thought 'Very Emily Dickinson' before I even read your last reply!
I loved this, basically.
However, I'm going to question the capitalisation too, even though you're probably sick of hearing it and you've already explained your reasoning.
Here's my thinking: I understand why you wrote 'Tree' (big, strong tree), and maybe therefore 'Oaks' (although I'm not as keen on that). The 'Petal' is so significant that the capital is incredibly effective, but I'm not sure about the 'Sun'.
I liked how you didn't capitalise 'rose' in the first line, reinforcing the image of it being 'tiny'. Perhaps you could just write 'oaks' at the end, because now the tree can no longer compare to the rose. The capitalisation, or lack of, would show this change.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling! Loved this!
Thank you for all the lovely replies, I really appreciate it.
Actually, it's just another thing I picked up from Dickinson. She often capitalized things to draw attention to them or emphasize their importance. I often capitalize nouns if they are personified.
I used a dash at the end of the first stanza because it is an adverb clause and should not have a period after it. Although looking at it now I realized the independent clause could be "You're motionless" so I can see why it looks like a complete thought, but I don't intend for it to be. I should have used a comma actually, but I'm addicted to dashes thanks to my hero and inspiration, Emily Dickinson. :]]
running_with_the_devil: (Interesting name there!) You pretty much answered your own question lol...Nature is too cool not to be capitalized.
hamerkid2: Thanks, I appreciate it. Grammar is important, haha.
Kaylyn: Nah, I'm sure that you can as well!
chichi: Thank you, I wrote it with other girls (poets, or anyone else who feels "small") in mind. I wanted them to feel loved. Sorry about my capitalizations, I know they confused a lot of people haha. The shorter the poem, the better, in my opinion. Well, usually. That's just me though.
Beautiful ending! I love the way you describe nature and how you are talking TO the subject, not ABOUT the subject.
I like how you capitalize the names of the plants and trees, though I'm not sure that "trees" in the first stanza really applies to this rule. But, then again, neither does "petal" and I'm not complaining about it.
Not sure why you need a dash here. You've used it in the previous two lines and with this line you end that collection of thoughts. Why do you need a dash? You don't need to bridge the stanzas and that would be fine with a period at the end.
It's so short that you have almost no room for error! Well, it's a beautiful poem and so I'm going to give you a gold star. Great work!
Wow I absolutely love this poem. It is short, but it works. I love the imagery and word choices. Your rhymes came so naturally and beautifully.
I love it
Hello there,
This poem from short and simple I loved it, full of meaning and very sweet. I wish I could write poems like this but, I can only write sad things. I have no suggestions it was perfect and got to the point :]
So happy i read this it was fantastic good luck with future pieces.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie
Loved your poem. so envoius. i wish i could write poetry that good-i cant.
nice poem. unique and interesting.
It has a rhythm that works well with the lines in the poem.
There aren't any grammar mistakes and it is prefect the way it is now.
Keep up the good work.
Wow.
This is so well written.
The way it was worded...flawless. :]
I didnt really understand why you capitalized somethings...
Oaks and Petal....
Although nature is so awesome it deserves a capital letter. Lol.
But I really liked this.
It painted a good picture and is a great metaphor for many things. :]
dont capitalize "tree" and dont contract "you are" into "you're"; it gives the poem a slang- or urban-like feel that the rest of the work definitely does not convey
Ha ha...no. dont ever do this unless you want to be seen as someone who desperately is trying to act "classical" or "wise". just say "do not despair".
again, your completely runing the poem by juggling around terms and words where they should not be. say "for soon the sun will meddle with the droplets". its that simple.
again, why capitalize? other than that, these last two lines were well-written and poignant.
in general, i was thrown off by the odd phrasing throughout the poem and i felt that you were just doing that to rhyme. listen, rhyme isn't everything - plenty of great poems dont have it, so do not think that you need to sacrifice the rest of your poem just to get some words that sound the same.
again, why capitalize? other than that, these last two lines were well-written and poignant.
in general, i was thrown off by the odd phrasing throughout the poem and i felt that you were just doing that to rhyme. listen, rhyme isn't everything - plenty of great poems dont have it, so do not think that you need to sacrifice the rest of your poem just to get some words that sound the same.
Thank you for the kind reviews, everyone.
Thanks.
October Girl...Thank you lol and it's okay about the quote thing...sometimes it can be a pain. I am flattered by your comments.
JADEREDNALIH...Nah, you won't, what do you see? I would love to know.
kittykat...Actually, the first stanza is the first clause, so if you put a period after "fog" it would be a fragment, I think...correct me if I'm wrong. I think in poetry it is normal to have the first word of every line capitalized, except for maybe in "modern" poetry (of which I have numerous invectives, but that's another rant for another day). Thanks for your lovely comments.
Well done.
I liked the rhyming and thought it was very clever. Keep writing!
C.C
I didn't see any major grammar mistakes in this poem, so good job there. I loved the poem, it flowed nicely. Good work. It had a nice rhyming scene and it worked great. Keep writing and keep up the phenominal work.
Oh my god! i loved it... but i must admit i felt totally stupid the first ( no really the second and third time) time i read it. I had no clue what it meant. I could understand but i may not have been paying much attention
but then the fourth time i read it... I loved it. thank you and you don't know how much i see in this poem ... i would tell you but i would sound intirely to stupid
First of all, welcome to YWS.
Second of all... I have no idea why you aren't already a published poet by now! This is one of the most shortest, and simplest, poems I've ever read on here. Yet it's so sweet and beautiful. I'm sort of jelous...
The only problems I have are:
It should end in a period after fog instead of the dash, er, line... thing. Also, it's really not nessesary to have every beginning letter of every line capitalized. Hmm... I think that's it. ^_^
I hope I get to see more of your work around! PM me if you have any questions or need help with something.
-kittykat
[quote="BlondeTwiggy"]If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog—>>I like this a perfect begging I swear!
Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal.[/quote]>>>AWW!!! I love how you ended it, you are a true poet.
After reading this I want to be your BFF, lol, hey I'm max and I just totally distroyed your poem, sorry >_< it was just so good, you have a very advanced vocabulary it's very impressive in a writers work. Anyways PM me if you have any questions.
-Max
i honestly loved it! it was very good and interesting. It rhymed but also made since at the same time.
i saw no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. very good