Promise Prologue: Logan 1920
Message to readers : Note this is my first ever PUBLISHED story on a website. I'd LOVE that if you read this you'd write and a review. Should I keep writing this story ? KEEP CHECKING FOR more parts of Promise.
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The rain was coming down furiously that night. I was so hungry…I hadn't killed or eaten in days…I was fighting the beast that slept in my body that was getting restless because of the never ending hunger…nourishment…
There was a girl coming down the stony brick pathway. She was stumbling, mumbling, and frightened…She was probably drunk as bat, my human mind thought, she seemed some what sad. I didn't want to kill her but she smelled so delicious…Oh, the blood that was coursing threw her alcohol infused blood stream smelled so good…I WANTED HER BLOOD!
My beast honed in on her scent, her lovely scent, as I jumped of the ledge. I was now standing behind the girl breathing on her vulnerable neck. Her lovely smooth skin could break in one little bite…I know she knows. She can tell I'm behind her and her heart beats quickened. I wrap my fingers around the girls neck…SNAP! I've snapped her neck without even realizing. I sank my fangs into her neck and drank. The taste of her blood was enough to drive a lion crazy; I was the lion and she was my prey.
The young girls life force, her future, was destroyed in a matter of seconds…the few seconds of pure hunger. I feel no remorse and absolutely no pain. It was our nature…a vampires nature. I was the vampire that drained the limp body in my my cold arms.
The sounds of familiar footsteps are approaching…Tom.
''Why must you kill ?'' Tom exclaimed coming behind me.
I pushed the girl of my body, turned and stood slowly,'' It's how we must survive.''
''Don't you feel bad when you drain someone's life away?'' Tom asked.
''No...'' I replied swiftly,'' Do you?''
''Sometimes,'' he paused, ''I think we could co-exist with the humans…''
''Stop,Tom!'' I exclaimed,''Do you know what they would do to us if they heard talking about such things!'
''I don't care anymore!'', he yelled back. I grabbed my brother's shoulders and shook furiously
''Its you and I little brother, I promised mother before the…'' Sadness filled his almond colored eyes. I stared into my brothers eyes they were different…no…he was different. He changed in so many ways. My baby brother…
Tom stepped back,'' No, brother…not anymore.'' He faded into the night…
I was left standing there…
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hey, well I don't really think you should continue with this to be honest. If you have an idea to add some originality then yes. At this moment, this story is just backwash of movies that have been done over and over and over again. Cliche' Idea. The font is annoying too, but that has little to do with why I think this story is bad. I think, maybe you are capable of better work and thinking of a better plot. I may revise this review if I see some originality but I doubt it will be much better. I don't mean to be rude, just being honest.
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Anyways keep writing, whatever you do
Sounds good! I think the biggest problem I have with it is the massive font! It's so annoying!
In answer to your question: yes, keep writing it -- this could go somewhere very interesting if you're determined.
The only major problem I think you will come across is the theme. The whole vampire idea could easily turn into one of the billions of other vamp stories out there right now. To me, the most important thing you'll have to concentrate on is making it fresh, original and different.
Also, the capitol letters and all the dots. I get that it's for emphasis and all and it definitely adds character, but it also interrupts the flow of the story and makes it feel kind of unprofessional, you know? Like, the published novelists don't do it so it feels sort of wrong. Of course, I'm not telling you to go all boring on me and ditch them altogether, but I feel as if capitols and dot-dot-dots (I'm pretty sure they're called ellipsis) should be used sparingly so that they don't loose their charm. If you love them though, go ahead and use them however you like I don't want to dim your story's unique personality.
I adore how you are getting the feelings of the character through without being obvious and the quick action that drew me in, keep it up! I'm not even sure whether the main character is good or bad...
Just one more thing. You can make it longer and more interesting without pausing the action by adding a bit more gutsy description. It doesn't have to be long or even perfectly explanatory. Maybe something like: "The rain was coming down furiously that night and the alley walls looked slick with wet." Just enough so that we can picture it all a little easier.
Awesome, I'll keep my eye out for the next installment!