Stars, see them high.
And you. Get high.
Off of them.
Kings smile at you tonight-
Down, on your tears,
Wiped with a gentle hand.
Whisps of a dream...
Intruded by a light,
To your left, the corner of your eye.
Don't they know to leave you be?
Let you listen...
To waves crashing,
Though you don't hear them anyway...
Your mind keeps wandering-
Away from the stars,
from the person,
Holding your hand, humming a song.
Concentrate on tears.
Swallow, breathe, in, out,
Smile through it...
it was beautiful...
More beautiful than the shining dots above,
That smile you smiled through your tears...
It is my own collection of stars.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Nice poem, dude!
But it might be a little too scattered.
There are lines that are supposed to be in here not there. If you know what I mean.
But I like your poem.
Pretty cool!
Stars, see them high.
You're a great poet!
And you. Get high.
Off of them.
Kings smile at you tonight-
Down, on your tears, - I... don't follow
Wiped with a gentle hand.
Whisps of a dream...
Intruded by a light,
To your left, the corner of your eye.
Don't they know to leave you be?
Let you listen...
To waves crashing,
Though you don't hear them anyway... - Ahh.. Anyway is not a great word to use in a poem
Your mind keeps wandering-
Away from the stars,
from the person,
Holding your hand, humming a song.
Concentrate on tears.
Swallow, breathe, in, out,
Smile through it...
it was beautiful...
More beautiful than the shining dots above,
That smile you smiled through your tears...
It is my own collection of stars.
AWWWW. I loved the last line. "These are all my stars that are making you smile!" Awww. I liked it a lot. Very wordy, though, but thats alright
It's awkward, how "high" is repetitive.
Very interesting...very abstract, in a way. I couldn't really keep up with you, so my eyes sort of skimmed over the thing while I was reading it and they were pretty glazed as donuts.
Yeah, kill some of the "..." It's just too much. I mean, what thought would you be trailing off to if you were going to catch it up with another stanza?
It's interesting but really scattered.
Your punctuation breaks here are all too abrupt.maybe you should have a comma, or a semi color between "that smile" and "you smiled". You seem to like punctuation but forget it there.
Don't abuse your ellipses, as well. They don't add anything to the text if you over use them.
I liked the way the tone felt rushed and jittery, which seemed fitting. I didn't like that I couldn't get into it, and I couldn't pin point an emotion, or a topic, or an idea. Not all poetry has to engage the reader (some humorous things do well to be just that) but poetry of this kind should. Ask yourself: what do I want my reader to feel/think/do/believe after they read this poem? Try to give something back to your reader, rather than isolating them and only focusing on your speakers feelings. Try to clear it up--it went from what I thought was a drug trip and romp in the park to people crying. The events didn't make much sense to me.
Best of luck! If you have any questions feel free to pm me.
I like the rhythm of this and I can tell its really beautiful. My favorite was the last line. The only problem is, I'm not sure if I really understand it completely, but thats just me. Anyways, good job.
Originally, it had great breaks and spacing in the lines, but it didn't transfer over when I copied it. I know I really should go back and fix it. Hopefully it'll make better sense then, and the fragments will sound better.
Rambling is bad. What part exactly?
I like the fragmented nature of this piece. The first three lines were the best.
I felt like it rambled to a point, and the fact that it was all crammed into one stanza didn't help this. It did wander in parts, and I think you could definitely condense it and make it stronger.