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​The Zhongsiyan

by Blake's stories and poems


The Zhongsiyan

A man stood within a large snowy graveyard. However the dead land was not always dead, once it was a town. A few graves sat at each house with bits of Core technology tributing the now dead owners. The man stood staring at the small shrines of sorts. The man was a Zhongsiyan. Despite his current action of standing at the graves, the man was not much different from other Zhongsiyans. He was unfortunately still a war based murderer. The man stood at each grave for a few minutes before moving on to the next. After about a day the Zhongsiyan began to move on. The man was wearing very heavy fur armour suited for the cold. A few pieces of neon Core technology are scattered around him. One sits on his hand, another on his arm, and another on his back. A fiery like aura surrounds him which is fueled by the neon green Core technology. He also wielded an Aktina rifle.

His head was slightly hunched forwards from looking down at the snow all the time. He always stared at the snow beneath him, although the human threats lay ahead and not beneath, the man did not fear the humans no matter how murderous. Instead he worries about very different things.

He suddenly saw the snow beneath him move ever so slightly. The man screamed before jumping back and firing the Aktina like a mad man. The man did not fear other humans as he had never come close to death while fighting and killing them. Instead he feared the horrid creatures that dwelled beneath the snow. The man still remembered the time he was sliced in half by one of those horrid drepouda and only survived thanks to the regenerative Core technology that replaced his original body with a replaceable artificial copy. Ever since then the possibility of death began to dawn on the man causing him to have a strong fear of the horrid creatures.

The man continued traveling while still staring at the snow. He had no destination, his life simply consisted of avoiding drepouda, and killing other humans if they were seen. One of the reasons the man lived the way he lived is because he was young enough to have been born in Zhongsiya. He was born way after Core technology was invented, the global war, and the death bombs. Because of this he had no concept of the morals of the past.

Suddenly he came across a road. He pulled out his Aktina as if he was required to and looked up at the town. The inhabitants of the town looked in horror at the man. The man wielding the Aktina screamed a horrid scream, however it was not a scream of anger and rage, but a scream of fear and horror no different from the screams of the inhabitants. He began firing at the people. Eventually, there was no town left. Only the now abandoned houses and the Core technology of the murdered inhabitants. However the man then did something strange for a murderous Zhongsiyan. He began setting up graves for each of the people he killed and placing their corresponding Core technology at their matching grave. The man didn’t know why he killed, in fact he hated the murderous rampages, however he simply believed there was no other possible way to live life. He stood at the graves before moving onto the next, and the next, and the next. After about another day the man once again picked up his Aktina, and began once again walking with his face staring down.

I will be posting this story on RoyalRoad.com


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Sun Jan 03, 2021 1:33 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a review!!

First Impression: This seems like its a really interesting idea that I don't think I have run into before and I like it. Its quite fun and it looks like there's quite some thought put into this world and the backstory of this character even though this is only a short story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A man stood within a large snowy graveyard. However the dead land was not always dead, once it was a town. A few graves sat at each house with bits of Core technology tributing the now dead owners. The man stood staring at the small shrines of sorts. The man was a Zhongsiyan. Despite his current action of standing at the graves, the man was not much different from other Zhongsiyans. He was unfortunately still a war based murderer. The man stood at each grave for a few minutes before moving on to the next. After about a day the Zhongsiyan began to move on. The man was wearing very heavy fur armour suited for the cold. A few pieces of neon Core technology are scattered around him. One sits on his hand, another on his arm, and another on his back. A fiery like aura surrounds him which is fueled by the neon green Core technology. He also wielded an Aktina rifle.


Okay that's a slightly scattered description there. I feel like there's quite a bit of room for improvement there with it being just a little bit more cohesiveness in that. It is quite an intriguing description though so as an opening paragraph I think its doing a decent job of capturing the reader's attention which is good.

His head was slightly hunched forwards from looking down at the snow all the time. He always stared at the snow beneath him, although the human threats lay ahead and not beneath, the man did not fear the humans no matter how murderous. Instead he worries about very different things.


Oooh pretty interesting thing to say right there. Looks like its a really powerful being we're dealing with if humans aren't a threat at all.

He suddenly saw the snow beneath him move ever so slightly. The man screamed before jumping back and firing the Aktina like a mad man. The man did not fear other humans as he had never come close to death while fighting and killing them. Instead he feared the horrid creatures that dwelled beneath the snow. The man still remembered the time he was sliced in half by one of those horrid drepouda and only survived thanks to the regenerative Core technology that replaced his original body with a replaceable artificial copy. Ever since then the possibility of death began to dawn on the man causing him to have a strong fear of the horrid creatures.


Oh my god that sounds like quite a terrifying ordeal to have in your backstory, well totally justifies him just shooting madly at it. And I love that we're diving straight for some action too.

The man continued traveling while still staring at the snow. He had no destination, his life simply consisted of avoiding drepouda, and killing other humans if they were seen. One of the reasons the man lived the way he lived is because he was young enough to have been born in Zhongsiya. He was born way after Core technology was invented, the global war, and the death bombs. Because of this he had no concept of the morals of the past.


Okay, well certainly looks like a hardened survivor of some sort of apocalypse scenario that appears to be taking place in this world so that's quite interesting. I can't wait to find out more about this.

Suddenly he came across a road. He pulled out his Aktina as if he was required to and looked up at the town. The inhabitants of the town looked in horror at the man. The man wielding the Aktina screamed a horrid scream, however it was not a scream of anger and rage, but a scream of fear and horror no different from the screams of the inhabitants. He began firing at the people. Eventually, there was no town left. Only the now abandoned houses and the Core technology of the murdered inhabitants. However the man then did something strange for a murderous Zhongsiyan. He began setting up graves for each of the people he killed and placing their corresponding Core technology at their matching grave. The man didn’t know why he killed, in fact he hated the murderous rampages, however he simply believed there was no other possible way to live life. He stood at the graves before moving onto the next, and the next, and the next. After about another day the man once again picked up his Aktina, and began once again walking with his face staring down.


Wow, well that is an interesting point of view to present there, showing someone killing in cold blood but not really knowing that he's doing something wrong. Well it certainly is a very interesting story to read.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I don't think there were many issues with this besides a couple I mentioned here and there. For the most part this was a really interesting idea and it was fun to read. At any rate, that's all I've gotta say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thanks! I'll try to fix some issues in just a moment.



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Sun Jan 03, 2021 2:21 am
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SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

A man stood within a large snowy graveyard. However the graveyard was not always a graveyard, once it was a town. A few graves sat at each house with bits of Core technology tributing the now dead owners. The man stood staring at the graves. The man was a Zhongsiyan. Despite his current action of standing at the graves,

You should take out the repetition of "graveyard" and "grave." It distracts the reader from what the paragraph is trying to say, and repetition is never that good.

He suddenly saw the snow beneath him ever so slightly move.

The wording made me reread this a couple times. Move the "move" in front of the "ever". It'll make it flow better, and makes more sense.

The man did not fear other humans as he had never come close to death while fighting and sometimes killing them.

The "sometimes" just makes this sentence too wordy and isn't needed. You also need to add commas like this, "The man did not fear other humans, as he had never come close to death while fighting and killing them."

There are a lot of places where you need to add commas, and there are a few run-ons. Go through your story carefully, and make the necessary edits.

Glows:

This story is kinda like a loop. He starts looking at graves. Paying his tribute to them, if you will. Then he keeps walking and encounters a village. Then we find out why the first scene was happening. Very well executed! It was an enjoyable read, and it gave me shivers at the end when I found out what he did to the first village.

Bye! Have an amazing day!






Thank you for the response! This was very helpful, I'm going to go over the story in just a moment and fix the things mentioned.



SpunkyKitty says...


I'm glad I could help!




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