O.k. So this is only the begin part of my book and there isn't any fantasy in it yet, but I find it so hard to start of a decent story so please review it and tell me what you think. Thanks.
Leila stood static on the edge of her bedroom's balcony, leaning againt the sculpted metal rails. The morning sun glistened as it surfaced on the horizon as a subtle breeze brushed through her hair, leaving the distinct aroma of pine lingering.
Throughout the grounds of Layro Manor, the employees hurried from place to place, goining about their morning duties.
Leila, unintentionally ignoring her surroundings, had her gaze set solely upon the secluded woods that existed quietly beyond the Manor gardens.
The young teen, along with her sister Lucy, had only been at Layro Manor three days and two nights, but it already felt like things were turning for the worse. Leila thought back to when she had first met Lord Layro at Starlight Children's Home open day where individuals, couples or even families who were interested in adopting or fostering could come and learn more about the certain procedures.
Lord Rex Layro, a well built mid forties man with light brown hair-that was sporting the beginnings of a salt and pepper look-had approached a not-to-bothered Leila in her room that afternoon.
"I see that not every inmate is allowed out on these open days." He teased in a rough voice. Leila smiled slightly and turned around to greet the stranger.
"Yeah. Juvenile prisons are getting worse thanks to the goverment," she giggled, surprising herself, "I don't exactly feel like hanging around another set of foster parents who will eventually decide that two kids is just too much," she explained, "Our last two foster families brought us back like a broken carton of milk." She looked up at the man with a oh-well-better-luck-next-time look accross her face.
"Us?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister, Lucy."
The two formally introduced themselves and sat listening to each others stories until it was time for Lord Rex to leave. The two exchanged their goodbyes and the Lord promised to visit her again some day. Leila watched through her bedroom window as he climbed into his silver Rolls Royce and drove away.
Leila strolled out of memory lane and focused back on the woods. Two nights of sleeplessness I can bare, but three? Each night at the Manor, sleep had becom a problem for her. As the wind stroked the window panes it brought with it the voices of strangers, calling out for help. However, Leila seemed to be the only one who could hear them, but it wasn't like hearing someone speak to you face to face, it was almost...telepathy.
Continued soon...
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Prophecy (Chapter One)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,569 Literary Works • 673,465 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy....this is a pretty solid start here. Nothing too wrong with this at first glance and I think you manage to do a pretty decent job of establishing a nice little sense of the surrounding area and creating a bit of an atmosphere and setting here along with our main character and sort of their immediate circumstances in this story.
Ohhh...now things are immediately getting a lot more interesting. If the first part was simple and solid, this one was much more exciting, and now you've got the attention of the reader's proper I think with the mention of prison and a couple of other things that do make you sit up and pay attention as a reader. I think this is shaping up rather nicely here so far.
Hmm, so the ending falls a tiny bit flat I think. You seem to be trying to end on a very interesting questions there with a little bit of a cliffhanger but I don't think you quite manage to bring that one across there. There's a slight I guess...uh flatness in that tone there because immediately after the interesting conversation we've got this somewhat generic sounding patch of description. I think you could spice that part up a teensy bit more and it would make for a much more complete cliffhanger there. Otherwise, overall, I think this is a pretty good start here to this story. It certainly seems like one I'd like to read more of.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Rose, Pink here
Nitpicks
>Leaving and lingering are 'almost' the same thing here. I suggest taking out the 'lingering'.
>*going
>Comma after days.
Open days," he teased in a rough voice.
>I'm pretty sure it's "My sister, Lucy, and I." Or something like that...
Overall
Alright, I liked the idea of telepathy in here. I mean it's a subject that I haven't seen much and I find it interesting and I'm left wondering what kind of plot you plan to build around this attribute.
Now, your writing needs some work. Review your work or run a spell check because there were quite a few misspelled words. I don't think they were intentional though, more like you were typing too fast and could have been typos. Nonetheless, it is an easy fix and I deeply suggest you run through with the spell check before submitting your work.
Also, there were parts of this where your descriptions were done well and other parts where they lacked, but that might just be the way I see this piece. Overall, you did quite well and I wish you luck with the rest of your story.
Cheers,
~Pink
Yeah, the writers before me really hit the nail on the head with their corrections. Your writing in general shows need for improvement but also reveals a lot of promise, because we can see the great images you portray; now it's all about perfecting that image. I won't reiterate what's already been said, so keep it up.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hi Blackrose,
Welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here
I see you have some great description, but you are repetitive:
Here, you've used "as" twice very close together. You've also put too much information in one sentence. I tell this to everyone: vary the lengths of your sentences. Example: short, medium, short, long, long, short, medium etc. Here's my rewritten version of the quote above (I've made all changes in red):
Okay, first, I took out static because a) nobody ever uses it like that anymore and b) for what it means in this context, you're practically just saying "Leila stood stood". What I'm trying to say is that it's repetitive. Next colourized place: if you say "sculpted", you have to at least say what's engraved and, either way "engraved" is a better word to use. Next: just an "and" inserted here instead of "as". The sun anyway would be glistening continuously, so how can the breeze come while the sun is glistening? I find this works better and also sounds nicer when you read it. Next: flipped. Next: Divided sentences, simply.
Also:
It's impossible to fix yourself on something purposely and yet unintentionally ignore everything else.
Okay, you like saying "Leila" at the beginning of every paragraph, like the one with her sister. Maybe it should go something like this:
Along with her younger sister Lucy, Leila............................
Not-to-bothered= not-so-bothered
I liked how you wrote that. It flows nicely.
Overall
This piece definitely has potential and so do you. You have fantastic images to portray and a good vocabulary, it's just a matter of writing it so that we can share that image. I'd like to see more of your fantasy as you are very good at writing it and I'd love to help you out.
Look back: You're repetitive and need to keep track of what you've already written/typed. The beginning really intrigued me, but then after, there wasn't much description. Even it out, spread it throughout. It would be really nice.
I still loved this piece. It was a nice change from the other fantasy pieces and it definitely wasn't dull.
Keep it up!
Lavvi
PS- Any questions about the review or something else, just PM me
Hi, I real like the story, but there were a few mistakes. Please don't be mad by me pointing them out. After all, you were the one who asked for a review...
You might consider using a different word here in steed of "static" maybe something like "motionless".
You should place a (,) after horizon and remove the "as".
lingering is not needed.
Leila's name is not needed here do to the fact she has been the only character introduced at this moment, then you might what to change "had her" to "she".
"only been" not one word!
place a (,) at the end
I think you meant "set"
Always place yourself last, example "Yeah, my sister, Lucy, and I." Or "Yeah, my sister and I." <-- you don't have to say her sister's name just yet.
doesn't sound right you might want to use something else like "without sleep"
Also, you never told how old Leila is, or what time seting it is in. This are to of the main things that are asked at the begianing of any story. Once agian I realy liked it. keep up the good work!
~AGS