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Conundrum of Suicide

by Blackho

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

BEFORE I GO (part one

This life is filled with vanity as a lot of people will agree. Having lived 27 years on Earth, I have seen men treat themselves with great disdain something they do not wish to experience and if they are treated in such manner they will always be angered. A saying that my group of friends keep saying as we believe is the truth is "The heart of man is very wicked and selfish". We try our best to live with this quote in our minds never trusting in the promises and words of men because eventually, they will fail.

As I write this letter to my loved ones I do not wish for it to be seen as a suicide note rather as a goodbye speech they would never hear me speak but may read and hear it as they would imagine me speak it.

People will usually say that suicide is not the answer to problems as it would only transfer the problem to someone else including the pain of losing the one who committed suicide. Imagine having no family, no one to love and no one that loves you, no one checks up on you not a single day in 5 years. You've got no prospect for the future and have accepted that there can be no profitable future for you because even when you try to do something of substance you will still need the help of people, nut they always deny you because you are not someone they know or maybe they just hate to be of help to people that are not members of their family.

If I die will it not be of greater benefit to the world at large?, one less person to consume oxygen, reduction of human waste that has to be disposed of, my body can be used as manure to grow plants for consumption or the conversion of CO2.

This is the first of my four letters letting whoever wishes to learn about my passing.

So before I go, I have accepted the terms of life that not all men are equal and because we always accept the terms and conditions of anything without ever going through it, I have inadvertently accepted that I came to Earth to suffer and become a dog to those who had more favourable terms. Therefore no one is to be blamed for my demise accept myself as I have also concluded that the only way to escape this life I am living in, is to die.

Yours faithfully, Oblivion

How Do I Go (part two)

If you read my first letter and are interested in reading all my letters even if might not turn out great for me cause there is a scarcity of happily ever after, you are the part of my loved ones cause in reality I am alone with no one to love and no one loves me.

This letter is therefore written to account for the ways which I thought of to end my life and to share the one I have chosen to be the most appropriate way for me to go, taking into consideration that I am not lovable and with literally no one I know who cares or would be affected by my demise, and I would not like to disturb others even after I am gone to be taking care of the body or even worry about a burial. One thing I do wish I could have is my ashes mixed with the ashes of the marigold flower my favourite and thrown into the sea.

The options that I narrowed out include (ways to die);

Burning down the house while I sleep: I could turn on the gas, close the windows light a candle in my room and wait for death. The problem however with this is that I am not a scientist and I do not know how bad the aftermath can because I wouldn't want an explosion where the neighbours would also be affected (I know I am very considerate), also it'll be very bad if I destroy a beautiful place like my home. I could donate the house for something rather than just have it destroyed because my life is ending. If however, I decide to die in that house, wouldn't it be wonderful if people could think that my ghost would forever haunt the house, It's nice to think of.

I imagined stabbing myself but it's just gonna get bloody with someone having to do the disgusting job of cleaning the bad blood.

There is the option of hiring a killer so it just looks like murder but I do not want to think of myself being murdered and paying for it from the money I do not have.

However I go, I believe so much inclosure, so I'm going to set things straight with those people who keep coming to my house to ask me to hang out with them. Probably check my messages from the past 5 years and see what has been happening there although I believe that not a single message will be there for me to reply but still closure is good and it'll be nice for me to be reminded how lonely my life is.

I'd ask for help from people about better ways I can go but I still would not want to implicate anybody as being an accessory or having knowledge of my suicide without informing the authorities and I'm not sure if such a person can be jailed for such.

Maybe when I complete all the closures I hope for then the way to go will just come to me, I am truly sorry and I apologise for not having discovered the way yet cause I am sure that the reason a lot of people are reading my letters is to see in what gruesome way this lonely hopeless dude has finally decided to end his sorry excuse of a life. For those people do not be alarmed it is coming however if you are optimistic about me, I advise you to shift that optimism towards something else.

Till my next letter (do the opposite of not sharing my letters and story) do not wait too passionately for the rest of the letters. I'm smiling till the end though, however it ends

Yours for a limited time,


To Go or To Stay, I'm Confused (part three)

If you are reading this letter and have read my two previous letters you must be aware of the reason I have written these letters and must know about my quest to achieve closure with those irritating people that try to make me call them my friends. So for the first time in five years I decided to come out of my house expecting to see the compound dirty and rough I met it sparkling clean, the reason I would still find out which was as shocking as many other things I got to find out.

Those people that like to tag themselves as my friends hired somebody to watch my house in case of an issue, the hired guy probably an ex-assassin informed them that I had finally emerged from my house and before I could get to the bus-stop he blocked me and said that he had orders to bring me in but he would prefer if I didn't resist, I didn't resist partly because I was indubitably scared of the person and the other part. After all, he might have been the solution to the problem I was facing on how to end my life. During the drive I finally connected to my social networks, my assassin was kind enough to provide WiFi and password which confused me. As I had predicted I had zero messages or so I thought right as I thought to throw the phone out the window I received a message from someone who belonged to that group that call themselves my friends and told me that he is the one that hired the person driving me and when I am at his place he would explain better, I was very disappointed in myself for not seeing something like this happening with those overly friendly people.

On getting to His place (I will call him Shrek for easy reference), life is comfortable when you just hate on everybody and give them bad names without their knowledge of course. So this Shrek had the confidence to hug me and say he missed me, I simply asked him why he could not check up on me after five years, He gave one foolish excuse that he came to my place a couple of times in the first year but he had no response but was told by those nosy neighbours that I was still in that house which was why he and the others came together to hire an assassin for me, I rubbished his claims of course but they were true, I gave him my copy of the first two letters and he said he supports my cause but he had a better idea. But he said he had to tell me somethings and we had to have a send-off party before my life ended. I was offended but as stated before, the heart of my is wicked except mine though I like to think of myself as a saint. This dude and the others in the useless group had been covering the charges for food, been paying all my bills and the most painful part is they, I just thought the authorities had forgotten about me and my house. I don't know who asked for their help though but to not seem ungrateful I told him thanks and said I would write a note of thanks to the other and that's when he said they were on their way to come see me and therefore I needed to prepare for my death sentence party which included all the birthday parties I had missed which they had celebrated for me without me, I hate those guys.

Anyway, he had prepared a lot for this, I got into the clothes he provided for my which for some reason was a perfect fit for me and by the time I was done the rest of their gang had arrived. We said our heys hugged and I said thanks, it was not comfortable. They kept telling me how their lives were great and improving like I wanted that for them. By the end of the night, they gave me awesome goodbye speeches which I told them I didn't even listen to and when it was time for that hired goon, my assassin to take me back home, the ugly duckling that I loved and loved me was there waiting for me in the car. What a nightmare. I may or may not reveal the details of how the rest of that night went but come what may, I am prepared to say the final goodbye

Yours Unfearfully


He Is Gone (part four)

If you had read Oblivions previous letters then you must be aware of the reason he wrote them. Although he had the thought of committing suicide after releasing the last letter, I'm glad to say he didn't commit suicide but painfully he is dead. However, I am charged with completing what he left cause he was a dear friend to me and now that he is dead I decided it would be nice for people to read the last letter as he was able to write it before his death.

The contents of his letter:

This is my fourth and last letter following my conundrum of suicide and I know that some were hoping I would go on with my plans while others hoped I would not, I am pleased to say that I have found a reason to live such as my friends, my family, my career even my partner. My friends helped me to realise something that even when nothing is going well or smooth that because of life there is always a chance for change and that whatever struggle one might be passing through is just going to be a way to understand that life is not always smooth but we should always smile and move forward. A family member pointed out that if things are going badly for two people then one does what I thought of doing then I should just try to grasp the kind of situation the other would be put in. Life itself is motivation and when one kills himself not according to plan then he kills his chance of success and happiness while also taking away the motivation he could have been for another person.

After getting home from the party that they hosted for me in the third letter (even though I do not plan to die I still think that party was hell, I hate parties) I reminisced on all that had been spoken that day and how they all tried to show me, love, I realised that they did love me but I was the one deciding not to see it which was what clouded my thoughts. I just believed that no matter how lonely a person might be there is always someone somewhere that truly love such person the problem is that he may be looking somewhere else to receive that love or my have just blinded his heart from witnessing such love.

When the sun comes out tomorrow I have made a promise to make everyone feel loved so they do not have to rethink about having their beautiful lives and maybe I should host my friends together for a party cause they have been instrumental in my life and everything I have achieved. As I say goodbye to my letters, I say goodbye to the thoughts of suicide as it is never something that should be done by anyone.

Yours in Life,


And that is how the last letter goes. For those who are wondering how he died you should know that he died painfully, The walls and roof of his room collapsed and he was found dead the next morning under a pile of the rubble and a lot of blood had spilled out, the doctors say he must have been alive for at least 2 hours bleeding and unable to move.

Until we meet again my friend, love you.

Yours forever,


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User avatar

Points: 138
Reviews: 3

Tue May 19, 2020 4:02 am
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Jillian275 wrote a review...

This is good. It draws you in immediately, as a story should. It really made me think. As someone who's considered suicide myself (I managed to pull myself through) I can relate to this. The story is incredibly done. Good job.
As for critique, there's not much to say that hasn't been said already.
Keep writing!

Blackho says...

I'm glad you were able to fight it, kudos. Thanks a lot

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304 Reviews

Points: 23305
Reviews: 304

Sat May 16, 2020 3:02 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hello Blackho, I'm here for the requested review!

I know @Tuckster already said this, but I'm gonna say it as well. If you are struggling with the stuff described in this short story, or any other negative feelings, talking to someone can really help.

My main critique, for all four parts, is that there are a lot of small errors. Each on its own is not a huge deal, but altogether, they make the story hard to read and give it a childish/unprofessional feel. If you find it hard to proofread a story, you could always download Grammarly or another similar app that can help you fix nitpicky details.

I'll give you a few examples, but I'm not going to go through the whole story and point them out, because that would take a while and not be the most helpful way to use this review.

This life is filled with so much vanity as a lot of people will definitely agree... having lived 27 years on Earth, I have seen men treat themselves with great disdain something they do not wish to experience and if they are treated in such manner they will always be angered.

First of all, this opening sentence is quite long and hard to read, and is likely to discourage readers from continuing. As Tuckster also pointed out, throughout the four letters the sentence length is all very long, with no variations. It can help make the writing easier to read, if there is a variety in sentence length and also just if you use slightly shorter sentences in general.

Below is a broken up and easier to read version. You can apply this to many different sentences throughout the story, so keep a lookout for long ones and see if you can split them up and make them easier to understand.
This life is filled with so much vanity as a lot of people will definitely agree. Having lived 27 years on Earth, I have seen men treat themselves with great disdain, which is something they do not enjoy experiencing. If they are treated in such a manner they will always be unhappy.

See how this is easier to read?

I'll give you one more example, just to make sure it makes sense. (If you do have any questions about anything in this review, you are more than welcome to ask!)

As I write this letter to my loved ones I do not wish for it to be seen as a suicide note rather as a goodbye speech they would never hear me speak but may read and hear it as they would imagine me speak it.

And here's an altered version:
As I write this letter to my loved ones I do not wish for it to be seen as a suicide note, but rather as a goodbye speech. They would never hear me speak it, but they may read and hear it as they would imagine me speaking it.

Again, it makes it easier to read and less run-on. Try reading the story aloud, and see if some sentences are hard to say. This is a good way of seeing if they're too long. Then, try to divide them up into two or three sentences.

Also, just a small formatting detail:
BEFORE I GO (part one

I think you're missing a closing parentheses here?

BEFORE I GO (part one)

One more tiny detail:
Yours faithfully, Oblivion

All the other signatures are written like this:
Yours faithfully,


So I would suggest doing the first signature like that, too, for consistency's sake.

Other than that, the plot seems well thought out, and you portray some very difficult emotions.

Overall this was an interesting read, but I strongly suggest proofreading your works in the future.

Thank you for requesting this review from my review thread, and I hope this review was helpful! If you have any questions, please ask!

Keep writing!


Blackho says...

I forgot to mention this to @Tuckster, I am not actually going through anything like this. About the first signature that was just typing error and unfortunately I did not notice, same thing with the parentheses. I do understand making my sentences shorter and easier to read.
Thank you for your review, I am grateful

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525 Reviews

Points: 27067
Reviews: 525

Thu May 14, 2020 4:38 am
Tuckster wrote a review...

Hey there Blackho! Tuck here, as promised, to review for you today. Let's get into it!

First off, I want to say that if you are personally struggling with any of these things, I'd encourage you to get help. If you ever want to talk about these feelings, feel free to PM me. I've also experienced these thoughts so I know how scary it can be, but there is a light and there is hope.

There's a lot to digest here, but as far as my initial impressions, this started off with a very dark theme. I liked the premise of the four letters and the way it opens up the potential of plot and character development. I think your first and last letters were the strongest; the center ones tended to meander from the plot, and could be strengthened.

For example, the part where the assassin took over convoluted the plot. I think providing some direct clarification -- i.e "Letter 4, Written By [Shrek? I don't know what you want to put here lol]". I also thought that the use of "Shrek" was a strange choice; it added a juvenile and humorous aspect to the plot, which didn't jibe well with the main idea. There were many strange and unnecessary deals in parts 3 and 4 that didn't seem to add anything to the story and instead distracted from the main point. In my opinion, it was the weakest part of the story and almost lost me in the seemingly pointless meandering.

On a writing note, you tend to write in very long, run-on sentences. For example, here:

I'd ask for help from people about better ways I can go but I still would not want to implicate anybody as being an accessory or having knowledge of my suicide without informing the authorities and I'm not sure if such a person can be jailed for such.

This sentence is grammatically incorrect and gives your story a juvenile feel. Furthermore, using the same style of sentence (by style I mean long and complex versus short and simple, and the middle ground of complex and medium-length) lowers the level of your story. A story with more varied sentence structure is a more interesting story that grasps the reader's attention on multiple levels.

I also didn't understand the purpose of killing the main character at the end. It ended on a happy note, but killing the main character for no reason at all seemed callous and unnecessary. I can see how this could be a way to wrap everything up and have it end on a slightly more bittersweet note, but this felt pointless and random. I'd suggest finding a better way to incorporate it.

In conclusion, the premise of this and the way that you introduced and concluded this saga and the plot was superb, but editing the sentences and adding some clarification to the plot would improve it. I hope this review was helpful to you and wasn't too harsh; this is not meant as a critique of you as a person or even your writing styles in general, just this piece. If you have any questions about this review or YWS in general just let me know and I'd be happy to answer it for you! Welcome to the site, and I hope you enjoy your time here :)


Blackho says...

Thank you very much for reading the story, I appreciate your feedback and will take your advice especially on the length of my sentences. I felt the story was too serious which was why I tried to reduce the intensity. I am sorry for ending the story like that but I just thought I should end the character and it was in my attempts to make the story less sad that both the second and third letters we off track.

Thank you so much.

The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes.
— Viktor Frankl