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by Blackfire1

You stole my heart when I thought no one could, 

Helped me to love and feel like I never thought I could, 

but now you surround me in pain and confusion. 

Every little thing hurts and I don't understand

I know you aren't doing it on purpose

I know you love me, and I know I love you,

but the electricity is gone and I don't know what to do. 

I'm numb and hurting.

What is happening? 

Is this a review?



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702 Reviews

Points: 87926
Reviews: 702

Wed Dec 29, 2021 4:04 am
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Plume wrote a review...

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

This was a nice poem! I enjoyed the feelings-centric-ness of it. The ending was especially haunting, and the way you built contrast throughout was nicely done. Relationships are complicated, and though I've never been in a serious one, I could find myself relating to certain lines about feelings in general. You did a nice job of breathing life into feelings, and since (in my mind) the main point of a poem is to feel something, I'd say this is a success!

One thing that stood out to me was the contrast. I really enjoyed how you juxtaposed several things both throughout the poem as a whole and then within lines as well. I liked how you started with the connection between the narrator and the object of the poem, but then went into how it's faltering. The several contradictions in the second part of the poem also helped tie into that theme of confusion. I liked how you stated the love between the speaker and their partner like a fact, but then said that the "electricity is gone." The "numb and hurting" part was also a great example of those contradictions. I think that while illogical, those lines helped build the confusion throughout the poem. The simplicity in the last line was great too; I think it just felt so raw and human.

The one thing I would say was that like some of the other commenters said, it was quite straightforward. Straightforward poems are still poems, but I find that there's nothing particularly memorable about them. Since you wrote this based on your own feelings, it's understandable that this is the way you want to get it out. Our feelings don't really naturally form metaphors in our brain. I do think it would be interesting to maybe incorporate some more poetic devices throughout, though. Some images or metaphors could be good. I want something to grasp on to, whether it be a nicely phrased line or a striking image. If this is autobiographical, really reach into yourself to see what you might find! Sometimes our own feelings surprise us with how poetic they can be.

Overall: nice work!! With a little bit more polishing + some extra flair, I think this poem could become absolutely phenomenal. I hope to read more of your work on here soon as you rediscover your writer self! Until next time!!

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Points: 146
Reviews: 2

Wed Dec 29, 2021 12:05 am
josierae98 wrote a review...

Welcome back to the writing community BlackFire.

I can really appreciate this poem, Ive felt this exact thing before in a relationship so every word I felt like I was nodding my head.

I honestly dont see much that should be changed or tweaked, its a very straight forward and to the point I feel like.

Keep it up, looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Happy New Year!!!

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Reviews: 0

Tue Dec 28, 2021 8:46 am
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Blackfire1 says...

I'm sorry that the title is misleading, I didn't have any other ideas. This is the first thing that I've written in a year, so I'm sorry that it's horrible. I am in a fantastic relationship, but this is what I've been feeling lately and I just needed to get it out. I welcome your reviews, I used to be a really good writer and I'm trying to get back to where I used to be.
Thank you for reading this.

Myah06 says...

This is a pretty good poem. I don't read much poetry, so my feedback might not be the best but I honestly like this.

It seems to be a very literal poem, to me, but I feel that poems are simply meant to touch someone's heart and make them- well, feel. I think this poem could really resonate with someone who's in a stage in their relationship where they're loving someone and don't know why. At least that's what I'm getting from this.

I really don't know what else to say about this. It's simple and short, but it gets the job done. I might think about this for a few minutes to see how it resonates with me, personally. Since I'm not in a relationship.

Keep writing! I feel this is a wonderful start to your return!


Blackfire1 says...

Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad it resonated with you, I really am

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain