Young Writers Society

The poem was beautiful. The rhyme scheme was amazing and your word choice was phenomenal. The topic you chose was perfect and made me somehow just cling to your writing. I also love how mature it was and how it wasn't traditional. This is honestly one of my favorite poems I have read on this website and am intrigued on your future dark poem work. My only complaint is the way you signed your name. I would suggest you use ~, -, or something of the sorts. It is rather distracting but that is a personal opinion. Anyways, your poem has inspired me in a way. Amazing job!

HEY im Menu : )
I'd like to say a lil something about your poem...

So this is a lyrical yet a mature piece of writing. I really like your rhyme ends and your diction. It is sometimes simple, sometimes wise which adds a genius sense to your poem. The content of course is easy to understand. I have no confusions about it.

As it seems to me, i sense its about a person who had suffered a traumatic experience in the past and is now " twisted". The suicide attempts later mentioned and the on - the - fence attitude of your poetic persona supports the "twisted" mentality too.

And your imagery used is also on point but i only wish it were more.

Soooo all in all i love your poem : ) keep up.
Thank you@
_ MENU_

Hi there BlackWidow! Niteowl here to review. Oh, and welcome to YWS!

My first impression of the poem is that the speaker sounds very scattered. The short lines and quick rhymes really contribute to that effect. It's interesting how in some lines the speaker sounds like they think highly of themselves, while in others they sound more depressed and empty. There's some hints to a dark back story, like the first few lines, but most of the piece is focused on how the speaker feels twisted in the present.

My main critique of this piece is that it uses telling more than showing and that it reinforces some really problematic ideas about mental illness. For the first point, I read over and over again that the speaker is twisted and insane, but I see very little evidence to actually support this. Self-harm, possible drug addiction, anxiety, a hinted-at history of trauma--none of these scream "twisted" to me. Troubled, sure, but not twisted. I guess for someone that's twisted I expect to see more violent thoughts and actions, which I'm not really getting in this piece.

I can’t always remember;

I’m loaded up on narcotics.

So wired anxious

I shut down, enclose.

I take meds because

I’m sick in the head.

I’m running down

the dimly-lit corridors

with extra-padded walls

and outside-locked doors.

Traumatic times and violent blows;

Hidden secrets that nobody knows.

I sleep eyes-open, hands always fisted.

I’m wise beyond your wildest dreams.

Happiness is just a scary thing.