Published June 20, 2011
A/N: I'd just like to let life know of what i think of it. Hope you guys enjoy! --- Black Ink x.
SHOUTOUT: This is a shout out to my amazing friend, AngelfromHell.
Dear life.
Thank you for the poverty. Thank you for the fire. Thank you for jellybeans. Thank you for puppies. Thank you for the 5 cents short at the vending machine. Thank you for the flooding rain, the soaring snow and the blowing wind. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for my foes. Thank you for the war. Thank you for not giving me a little brother. Thank you for the smelling socks, and not giving little kids dinner. Thank for perverted thoughts. Thank you for our dirty minds. Thank you for homophobia and thank you for hating us because we are different.
But most of all life,
Thank you for truly and utterly sucking.
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139,511 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This is hilarious, I love it! Especially because of the jellybean part. :3
I don't think I can review this, or even nitpick it, all I can do is thank you for a laugh.
OK, so here is my review. I think for this piece you should have either decided to make life sound all good or all bad. I mean, if you are going to end with saying life sucks, then why bother telling us about good aspects of life such as jellybeans and puppies? Also, you should have some more detail. Like the line about five cents short at the vending machine, that was great! Make this sound like something that is directly happening to the writer of the letter. For example, don't just say thank you for poverty. think of an example of poverty, such as thank you for the tin walls of our house, or thank you for the hunger always in my stomache. Don't be so general with this. Otherwise, I don't have much of a review. this was good, it was just too vague for me. Spice it up, make us feel your life. And decide if you are going to make it bad or good, or maybe it starts out as one and then drops into the other. Anyway, I hope I was helpful in some small way.
God, BlackInk, there is so much material in here. I don't think that this is a piece, because it doesn't flow together and make sense in a line, but if you picked out sentences and wrote stories about those sentences, you could find so many links to stories in this small paragraph. A lot of these lines are powerful because of the possibilities they evoke in the reader's mind. It's like the six-word story, if you've ever heard of that. For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Used . The story isn't explicit in those words, but you feel the story bubbling underneath, left to your imagination of everything that happened before this moment. You have phrases like that. They're powerful, but I think they would be more powerful and accessible if explored.
For example:
WHAT? It's hidden between everything else, but I want to know what this means. Maybe it's just shallow and it means you don't WANT a little brother, but maybe it is sarcastic like "thanks for the five cents short at the vending machine", and you really wanted a little brother, and what happened that you didn't get one?
And then...
I'm so intrigued by the pairing of these phrases. I have no idea what the first phrase means, and the second is so sad. I want to know how the speaker experienced this. Did he/she watch little kids not getting dinner, or was she a little kid who did not get dinner? What ARE the smelling socks?!
This is why journalling is so awesome. You stumble upon your thoughts and you have them recorded, so you can go back and say 'oh hey this is interesting, maybe I can write more about it'. I'd definitely encourage you to write more about some of these instances.
Let me know if you have any questions! My PM box is open.
Hannah
Thanks Lily. That wa a really good review. Thank you for helping me out with how i could improve. i appreciate your help, and i know that Family Guy can be kinda addictive. Your an awesome person and i am hoping i can talk to you in a later time, if you want. If you want to be friends, just PM me... look foreward to taslking yto you again.
Love Black Ink x.
Hehe! Told you I was reviewing it! But Family Guy...well…it’s just so funny. Hehe. Right off the bat, though, this reminded me of that YouTube video of that cute little girl who liked everything. And you weren’t interrupting me at all, you were reminding me! Haha!
As a whole, I like this and I definitely got a chuckle out of it. But the thing you really have to keep in mind is that when you say “Thank you for the…” at the beginning every sentence, it can seem extremely repetitive. Try blending contrasting sentences together like taking: “Thank you for my friends. Thank you for my foes.” And saying: “Thank you for my friend and my foes.” Or even similar ones like: “Thank you for jellybeans. Thank you for puppies.” By saying “Thank you for jellybeans and puppies.” Even think about adding some extra details as to why like “Thank you for jellybeans, even the black licorice ones for being a dirty little surprise at the bottom of the bag.” Or something like that. It can make this, as a piece, a lot more dynamic.
I did have a pair of nitpicks, too.
Instead of “the” you should probably say “being.” Also, the rule is that if a number is below ten, you should write it out instead of using the digit so “5” should be “five.”
Did you mean “smelly” instead of “smelling?”
Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this because it gave an honest look and voice to how you feel about life. Good job, Ink, and if you have any questions, just ask me!