E - Everyone

For All Eternity

by BlackDiamond139
  • August 10, 2015
  • Poetry
  • My Works
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I cannot see the moon,

Hidden as it is on this new moon’s night.

The brightness of the stars seems to have been muted and dulled.

Perhaps it is merely my imagination,

Yet I enjoy deluding myself that it is in honor of you.

I cannot help but recall the sight of you,

Lying on the grass that had been covered in your blood,

Green eyes lifeless the way they should never be.

No matter how much I attempt it,

I cannot forget the sight of the sword planted in your stomach,

Your dress torn and revealing light scratches and deep cuts.

It struck me as rather ironic when I considered it,

That you should die in your finest gown.

I remember every detail of that night.

The way I held my lantern as I searched for you,

My lady.

Exasperated and believing you had run away once more.

I had been so naively convinced you were invincible.

Then I had seen your body,

With just that faint, yellow glow, from the lantern.

Even in death, you were gorgeous,

Yet somehow lacking the wildness that was ever reflected in your eyes.

Devastated.

That had been the only word to describe my state after I found you.

My lover was dead and gone,

And I would never again hear your laugh,

I would never again see the glint of mischief in your eyes,

I would never again feel you sneak a tender kiss when no one was watching.

I would never again hear you promise to love me,

For all eternity.

You were gone,

And my whole world had been destroyed.

I had collapsed to my knees after I saw you,

Weeping above your body,

Caring not for how I appeared or the stains upon my simple dress.

You were gone and everything was over and done.

They say that you should never focus your entire being on your lover,

But you were more than that,

You were my closest and best friend, my partner in crime.

You were so much to me and now you were gone.

I should have seen the troubled glances.

Near the end, there were those of nostalgia and wistfulness.

You drew further away for me and closed off.

I should have seen it all and realized the truth.

I remember how you had been so strange.

You had asked me desperately,

Whether I would always love you despite whatever else happened.

Whether I would always remember you and carry you in my heart.

I had answered that I would,

For all eternity.

The next night,

I found you with a sword in your stomach.

I’m sorry.

Sorry for not noticing the clues,

For not being able to save you.

A year later, on the anniversary of your death,

I feel the grief and devastation,

But above all,

Remorse.

Yet, rest in peace, my beloved.

I will remember you and mourn you and love you,

For all eternity.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
myjaspercat
Review
myjaspercat wrote a review · Tue Aug 11, 2015 12:24 am

Hey BlackDiamond139,
Myjaspercat here to give a review...

So, before I start here I noticed that you were fairly new to YWS and I wanted to say welcome. I really hope you enjoy your self here and find some amazing friends and help. Any-who lets get on with it shall we...

I cannot see the moon, Ok, so to me this is a very mundane way to start a poem. You see, in great writing (rather prose or poetry) an author uses descriptive language to create the scene. Now I could understand if this was later on in the piece and you didn't want to bog down the flow but at the very beginning it would be better to start a little bigger. (Not really with a bang but maybe with a little more sizzle).
Hidden as it is on this new moon’s night, 'new moon' sounds rather odd to me. maybe a change in wording.
The brightness of the stars seems to have been muted and dulled.
Perhaps it is merely my imagination, I don't personally like this line. It's ok if you want to keep it but I think you could do without.
Yet I enjoy deluding myself that it is in honor of you.
I cannot help but recall the sight of you,
Lying on the grass that had been covered in your blood,
Green eyes lifeless the way they should never be. nice imagery here
No matter how much I attempt it
I cannot forget the sight of the sword planted in your stomach, This is rather cliché. If you want to stick with the whole sword thing then I would suggest writing it differently. Remember what I wrote above; a story is better told through descriptive language.
Your dress torn and revealing light scratches and deep cuts.
It struck me as rather ironic when I considered it,
That you should die in your finest gown.
I remember every detail of that night.
The way I held my lantern as I searched for you,
My lady.
Exasperated and believing you had run away once more.
I had been so naively convinced you were invincible.
Then I had seen your body,
With just that faint, yellow glow, from the lantern.
Even in death, you were gorgeous,
Yet somehow lacking the wildness that was ever reflected in your eyes.
Devastated,
That had been the only word to describe my state after I found you.
My lover was dead and gone,
And I would never again hear your laugh,
I would never again see the glint of mischief in your eyes,
I would never again or feel you sneak a tender kiss when no one was watching.
I would never again would I hear you promise to love me.
For all eternity.
You were gone,
And my whole world had been destroyed.
I had collapsed to my knees after I saw you,
Weeping above over your body,
Caring not for how I appeared or the stains upon my simple dress.
You were gone and everything was over and done. you are starting to get a little repetitive here. Ok so I'm stopping here because I myself will just start repeating myself. Take a look above and most of the suggestions there should help you below as well.


Wow, ok, that was a very interesting piece. I liked the concept you had behind this a lot, I thought (for the most part) that the pain the narrator felt was real. I do have a few suggestions for you however.

Let's start with format: This is a big. With proper formatting a poem can look very neat and polished (which really is what formatting is for). Though a poem could have proper formatting and still suck it just reads easier in the audience's eyes. The first problem with formatting that you have revolves line spacing. Instead of just hitting 'enter' you need to hit 'shift-enter' that way your lines are right after one another and there isn't that extra, annoying little space between lines. This also helps with the whole stanza thing; again, I know not all poem's have to have stanzas but considering the length of your piece it would be best if you broke this into a few different sections. Now to create a new stanza you just have to resort to the original old 'enter' button instead of 'enter-shift'. I think my last point I really need to make in formatting is the length's of each line. Above, you have many lines that just stick out from the rest of the piece (and no, I'm not talking about depth wise, but structurally). These longer sentences (and quite the shorter ones as well) just stop the flow of the rest of the piece. It starts to bog down your poem and causes your reader to start getting all jumbled up. My suggestion to you would just simply play around with words and take out the parts that you truly don't need and then rewrite.

Second we have the whole show don't tell concept: To be honest, there were quite a few places in your poem that I actually felt jealous of. You can write very nice description but I felt like it was to small and far in-between. Most of the time I was just being told by the narrator what they felt, and in-fact I would have liked to 'experience' it a little more.
For example:
Even in death, you were gorgeous,
---Instead of say something like this I would say something like; Even in death, the beauty which radiated from your skin caught my eye. Now that's not great since I kind of rushed myself and I could have found a better example, but I hope you get the point. Give your reader more.

Anyway, I did like the piece above and I think you have a great eye for poetry. A few tweaks here and there and this could be great. I'm sorry if I sounded rude above but I just want to help all I can. Good luck and continue writing. Have any questions feel free to ask. --Myjaspercat

User avatar
ChipsMcCoy
Review
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review · Mon Aug 10, 2015 1:00 pm

Hello, Chips here with a review.

I thought the title of your poem was intriguing as perspectives on eternity can be varied and unique to each individual. I thought the emotion you added through the poem was good also.

I have a few suggestions which may be of help to you.
I think some of your line lengths are much longer than others so the poem doesn't always flow as well as it could in some parts. Maybe structuring the poem in stanza format may help, but that's a stylistic choice.

"Hidden as it is on this new moon’s night."

This line was fine, but it has small unnecessary words that break up the flow. I think it's mainly the "as it is" section that makes it a bit choppy. Maybe, "Hidden beneath this new moon's night"? Something along those lines.

"Yet I enjoy deluding myself that it is in honor of you."

I liked this line, it had a sentimental feel to it.

"I cannot help but recall the sight of you,"

I understand the way you were going with this line, but it didn't read too smoothly aloud in my opinion. It's the second half of the line, "the sight of you". But otherwise it's fine if you'd like to keep it as it is.

"No matter how much I attempt it,"

I think simply saying, "No matter how much I try", would've sounded better.

"Even in death, you were gorgeous,"

I think a full-stop would have fit the end of this line more.


Overall, this was a good poem, it has potential. I hope this review was helpful.

--Chips



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